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Afraid

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by KSalem, May 21, 2017.

  1. KSalem

    KSalem Member

    I'm afraid to open up about what has happened to me and what has led me to this point. I know people who come from good families can still become dependent on substances, but I wish I had a good family life growing up and maybe it all could have been avoided.

    I plan on doing a lot of looking & listening here. I hope to learn. Thanks in advance.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @KSalem... Welcome to the community. I'm glad you found us and hope you'll be comfortable enough to share your experiences with us at some point. In the meantime, make yourself at home and explore the various discussions here. I hope you are able to learn something.

    Love and light to you.
    Peachtree likes this.
  3. KSalem

    KSalem Member

    The first thing I learned is that you're there for a lot of people. Yes, you!

    What happened to me:

    Child abuse > Low Self Esteem > Small Drugs > Big Drugs > Manageable Cycle > Uncontrollable Spiral

    I felt the relief at first, almost 20 years ago, and now I'm rather f'ed. I can't even analyse myself rationally because I'm so ashamed of my past. I know I'm not a bad person though. I've never harmed anyone.

    I was in rehab on and off for two years in my early 20's. Someone told me it's very hard when you've left a trail of destruction in your wake because cleaning up your life means not that you'll run into the open arms of loved ones. Instead, it means you're coming back to a life of having to repair all the destroyed relationships, which isn't exactly peaches.

    I'm talking too much. :) I love you too and thanks for listening to me.

    Kel x
    deanokat likes this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    We'll listen to you anytime, @KSalem. So feel free to reach out and lean on us whenever you need to. Also, try to go easy on yourself. You're a human being and human beings make mistakes. Everyone does. Nobody's perfect. So try not to be ashamed of your past. Instead, focus on the here and now. Living in the moment is such a wonderful and helpful thing. Concentrate on making yourself better now.

    Big hugs.
  5. KSalem

    KSalem Member

    A lot of abused children feel complicit which I think has something to do with the timing of the abuse. It becomes part of you, a truth or maxim you can't scrub off so easily. You are marked with it. I've been in therapy almost 20 years, and I actually now have two therapists independent of each other (embarrassing!) but it has been helpful to me.

    Not long ago, my 17-year-long very abusive relationship with a married man ended, and now I'm redoubling therapeutic efforts. I've learned meditation, guided imagery and cognitive behavioural therapy. I consider myself somewhat of an expert in these practices. Very useful stuff!

    Now my problem is loneliness, that is, not so much longing for companionship but facing the loud demons head-on without the petty distractions and activities of a relationship. And I'm using again to quiet the demons when I can't tolerate the noise anymore.

    The type of things I "hear" from my demons: "You are a loser. You are not fully human. You are unworthy of normalcy or happiness. You are f'ed up. You deserved the abuse. You wanted the abuse. You want more abuse. Being abused is your worth to others..." And inside, I'm screaming: "Make it stop!" And so the drinks begin to pour and the lines of powder are neatly formed.

    Awful, shameful, embarrassing.

    What I'm most proud of though is that I don't harm others. At the same time, my problems are a secret to almost everyone who knows me. I can't stand to burden others with it, and I don't want any reputation I have to be ruined.

    Sorry. I haven't given you much room for a reply, but thanks for hearing me out. xxx
  6. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @KSalem... I will just say to you:

    You are not a loser!
    You are fully human!
    You are absolutely worthy of normalcy AND happiness!
    You are not f'ed up!
    You did not deserve the abuse!
    You did not want the abuse!
    You do not want more abuse!
    Being abused is not your worth to others!

    You are a human being with a beautiful soul and are worthy--and deserving!!--of living a happy, healthy life!

    Keep talking to your therapists and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you. I know there is. And I know you will find it.

    Sending you massive amounts of positivity, hope, and encouragement.
    Peachtree likes this.
  7. KSalem

    KSalem Member

    What an angel!

    Yes, therapy has helped, and I have gotten better inside. I'm just facing it more now, which is difficult. Maybe what will happen is that I'll face it, beat it, and then be in the best position of my life to stop.
    deanokat likes this.