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Codependent even at Recovery.

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by wife of recovering, Jul 4, 2015.

  1. I first heard of codependence when I coerced my husband to go to rehab and we had to go there for the weekly family therapies.
    I had him arrested. I didn't want things to come to that point because ever since we were still dating, I knew that I could not live without him. Even though we got pregnant at college and he left me for someone else for 2 years and got the other girl pregnant, I still took him back and married him. I knew he was a crystal meth addict even when we were in College. But I loved him and I still love him for the man I thought he was, for the man I know he is and for the great man I know he could be.
    The first year of marriage before he was sent to rehab was not that bad. We started our own business which our parents helped us establish. Everything was going great but I did notice some changes. I've never handled my own business before so I needed a lot of help from him because he has had a lot of successful business ventures and he closed those so he could focus on this joint venture with me, his wife. He would always call me names when I got little things wrong. He would call me STUPID, DUMB...etc....and this got to me. I felt I wasn't good enough.
    Our neighbors, my relatives and his relatives, always say I'm so lucky for marrying a great man, a good man who knows how to provide for his family. We had so many cars, more that we need. We had a huge home. Our house was built to fit 20 people and there are only 3 of us living there. But people didn't know what happened behind closed doors.
    I did my best to learn the business and I got good at it. I was proud to settle huge accounts. The bank even gave us a gold credit card as a gift for when our account's maintaining balance reached a milestone. I thought he would love me for it. I thought if I showed him that I could take care of our son, take care of our home, take care of our business and on the top of all that, be the wife the wants me to be then the shouting and cursing would stop. The verbal abuse got only worse.
    He would say he should have married the other girl [the other he got pregnant] because I was useless or he shouldn't have married at all because he could have 3 whores who would **** him breakfast, lunch and dinner.
    I was so depressed then and I'm depressed now, even as I try to remember it.
    I don't know if rehab helped him. But I do know that rehab helped me. During family therapies, we were lectured on codependence and how we enabled our addict to feed off of us. How our depression just pushed him to his addiction.
    The grave threats to kill us and burn our business and our house convinced me that he needed help.
    I told him about rehab but he shoved the idea and he disappeared for another 3 days, more than his usual 1 day of going missing.
    For a long time, I could barely function. He drained our bank accounts and I was left with no income, no savings, no nothing. I would cry on our king-sized bed while my son was in school. I had all these beautiful things surrounding me, but it was empty. I had nothing.
    Checks were bouncing all over. I couldn't keep up with the debt. I worked 24/7 but it felt like it didn't make a difference. I needed my husband beside me to function. Everything just went downhill from there.
    I pushed through everything. His life was not my life. His addiction was not my addiction. I only made him my problem because I love him and that's what we do for loved ones. We make their life our lives. I wish I handled things differently. I wish I gave him an ultimatum to make him realize that I could leave him and I could stand on my own. So he better pick himself up. But I didn't do that. We fed off each other.
    One day, as I was listening to the speaker on family therapy. Things were just put into perspective.
    YOU ARE NOT THE REASON WHY YOUR SPOUSE IS AN ADDICT.
    YOU ARE NOT THE ADDICT.
    YOU CAN BE SO MUCH MORE THAN BEING JUST THE SPOUSE OF THE ADDICT.
    YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSO
    N.
    I didn't leave my husband. We're still together but I know now I'm not helpless in this. I can recover too. And if he strays, I know I can deal with it.
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2015
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @wife of recovering... Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story. I commend you for opening up to us here. That takes a lot of courage.

    When someone we love struggles with addiction, it's so easy to become addicted to their addiction. We want them to change so much that we get caught up in trying to make that happen. But like Al-Anon says, we didn't cause their addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. Only the person who is addicted can fix things.

    One of the hardest things to come to terms with when we love an addict is that WE are the most important person in our lives. Not the addict. We need to practice self-care and do everything we can to make sure that OUR lives are happy. Even though it can be incredibly difficult, we cannot let the addict and their behavior dictate how we live OUR lives.

    Also, addiction is a family disease, and when one person in the family is addicted it affects everyone in a negative way. Because of this, everyone in the family needs to work a recovery program. For loved ones of addicts, self-care is a huge part of that program.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that you are able to get to a point where you can enjoy your life without having it be negatively influenced by your husband and his addiction. More than that, I hope that your husband can find a path to recovery.
  3. @deanokat
    I have actually printed this message to put on my night shelf. I need all the encouragement I can get. And so far my family has all been pessimistic about my husband's recovery. Even my closest friends feel that I have gone on the edge for my husband. They all want to prepare me on what they feel is the inevitable decline of my husband in his meth addiction. Most of the time, I'm just afraid for him. He owes people money. We're always looking over our shoulder. and maybe its not the "bad guys" anymore. Maybe, I've absorbed his paranoia. But I am praying. and it helps. Thank you again, for this message.
    deanokat likes this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @wife of recovering... Wow. I'm so touched that something I said resonated with you. Keep taking care of YOU. If you're not well then you can't be there to support your husband.

    Continuing to send thoughts, prayers, and positive vibes your way.
    wife of recovering likes this.