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Loving a Meth Addict

Discussion in 'Methamphetamine / Meth' started by TripleD123, Mar 4, 2015.

  1. TripleD123

    TripleD123 Senior Contributor

    After growing up in a household full of drug addicts I somehow landed myself at the age of 17 in a relationship with a troubled guy battling a meth addiction. I had always told myself that I would never start or pursue a relationship with someone addicted to ANYTHING, let alone meth. But alas I was head over heels by the time I found out about his dark secrets. I was going to SAVE him. Obviously we all know how the story goes, and no one can save anyone. They have to save themselves. Without making a long story even longer we both can say we made it out the other side mostly in tact. It was the fight of my life as well as his that lasted over 10 years and he still struggles to this day but 99% of the time it is easy sailing.

    Which leads me to wonder...If I had the chance to go back in time and reverse it all...Would I do it again? Would I stay? Would I love someone and support them through all the lying, cheating, stealing, and abuse for a nasty little drug? My answer is no, I wouldn't. As much love and happiness as we have today, I wish I would have walked away. I wouldn't have wished our battle, my battle, his battle on anyone.

    How about you?
  2. JoshPosh

    JoshPosh Community Champion

    I grew up in a drug infested household. But I never liked being around druggies after I had moved out on my own. If someone I knew was doing drugs, I would stay away. Why bring that kind of trouble back into my life? It was bad enough as a kid. Dealing with it as an adult wouldn't be beneficial.
  3. amethyst

    amethyst Community Champion

    When I was younger I had a lot more energy for helping others deal with whatever they were dealing with. I had patience, and also I was quite naive and inexperienced on many levels. So, unsurprisingly, I found myself feeling all used up and drained after a while. People were hanging off me, looking for any kind of support they could squeeze out of me, because good old Amethyst here always had an open ear and heart. I had to learn the hard way that you need to protect yourself, as others can finish you off quite easily, unaware of what they are doing under the influence of a substance.
  4. missbishi

    missbishi Community Champion

    The reason you stayed for 10 years and never walked away was because you are a kind and caring person. So you mustn't beat yourself up about it.

    You don't say whether you are still together? If you aren't, please don't feel as though you have deserted him. There is only so much one person can take before becoming seriously ill. If you are still together, how are things now? Do you want to keep working at things or would you prefer a clean break?
  5. Determined2014

    Determined2014 Senior Contributor

    Loving an adddict is a very difficult thing, that majority of us can not handle, since it takes alot of patients and humbleness, like you said one should be able to tolerate all the lies, stealing and all that comes with it, one has to give such a relationship their all and all, I give you alot of credit for being able to hang in there that long, I wish there was more of people like you.
    ktdid likes this.
  6. TripleD123

    TripleD123 Senior Contributor

    We are still together. Married with children. Overall everything did work out in the end but I do still hold resentment towards him. Every so often something will come up that reminds me of the struggle he put me through and I become bitter, snarky, and rude. He has had one relapse in the last almost 5 years which didn't help anything but overall we are o.k. Couples therapy probably would help me with my resentment and him with his addiction but funds just aren't available to do so. So, here I am. This forum is cheap therapy. :)
  7. TripleD123

    TripleD123 Senior Contributor

    Looking back I went through many different waves of support. One moment I was an enabler, the next I was all about tough love, and then I was boxing up his stuff and telling him to get out of my life. I was unaware of it at the time but most of my efforts were useless. I was alone in all of it. My family had sort of deserted me with their own drug problems. My grandmother was the only support I had and then she died. So I was pretty much alone in the world. I had him, my dog, and my job. In the end I didn't have much choice but to hold on and deal with his problems. I'm just glad I didn't lose myself through it all.
  8. bsthebenster

    bsthebenster Community Champion

    While staying away from certain demographics can make for an easier life, not every addict is necessarily the way they are depicted in society. My father, for example, was physically dependent on alcohol up until maybe a month ago when he was forced to go on a diet that didn't include alcohol. He was - and is - a good person who would show up for work every day, feed me home cooked meals and help me with my homework every night. I also struggled with addiction in the past and, while people would reiterate the standard "never trust a junkie", I had never stolen, lied or broke anyone's trust. Sure, meth addicts may be more likely than the average person to be an asshole, but there are exceptions with everyone and everything. If someone were truly a good person, I wouldn't be overly turned off by their drug use.
    ktdid and TripleD123 like this.
  9. TripleD123

    TripleD123 Senior Contributor

    I sometimes give myself a lot of grief for putting myself in the position I was in. I had been raised by drug addicts, why would I let myself fall in love with one...but thats where what you are saying comes into play. He wasn't a bad person, he took good care of me and protected me when the rest of the world wasn't there for me. I allowed myself to over look his bad habits in the beginning because he was such a good man. But the problem was his bad habits were actually addiction that just progressively got worse.
  10. amin021023

    amin021023 Community Champion

    TripleD123: you are a strong woman, he is so lucky to have you, without you he would have died many years ago in some shithole. Now that you have passed that harsh time and gained something great you shouldn't look back at the past. It seems you know well how to deal with addicts so if I were you I would just help other people with similar problems and do what I'm good at.
    Js1986, ktdid and TripleD123 like this.
  11. TripleD123

    TripleD123 Senior Contributor

    I really do appreciate that bit of advice. I always wish I was doing something in my life to make a difference. I feel like my job is just a job that pays the bills and that I am not making a difference. I have always toyed with the idea of helping others, but never really thought I was qualified enough. I figure you should have been an addict in order to help addicts, is that crazy? I really would love to help children being raised by addicts, but sometimes worry if I might crack in a tough situation.
    amin021023 likes this.
  12. MyDigitalpoint

    MyDigitalpoint Community Champion

    It is sad, but true, many times the environment you are raised in, contributes to push you drugs, alcohol and substance abuse.

    However you cannot blame the environment nor your family as all of us have freedom of choice, so if you were able to survive from falling in addictions having the environment and probabilities against you, why didn't him?

    Indeed you were leaving a situation that probably worn you out, but you can have peace of mind knowing that you did what was in your hand, despite it's something that wasn't worth.

    Getting out of a conflicting situation sometimes is a bigger achievement that breaking with a drug itself, and having done it deserves congratulate yourself.
  13. Matthodge1

    Matthodge1 Community Champion

    There is a woman at my church was in a similar situation to yours. Her husband fell into meths grip, but God saved him, and now they are living happily with four kids and they are stronger than ever. Just be patient and if you ever fall in love with an addict again, just try to help them through it. Just don't get too caught up in it or else you could be in trouble yourself.
    TripleD123 likes this.
  14. amin021023

    amin021023 Community Champion

    You've proven yourself strong.Helping children being raised by addicts is a good idea and you seem to fit the job very well.
    TripleD123 likes this.
  15. ktdid

    ktdid Member

    He is the luckiest man alive.
    YOU ARE A SAINT
    I am a meth addict and have been for over ten years. i have been ready to quit for years, but until recently have been unable to take that leap by myself. Doing so means asking for help, and in my case, asking means I'm going to experience some very negative consequences including losing my kids. In my state, there is a no tolerance policy, and dhs immediately removes the children. Then it is a guilty until proven innocent situation. I have wonderful parents, who would be shocked to find out I'm a junkie. They would report me immediately, or i would go to them for help. I wouldn't wish foster care on any child, especially when i have seen the damage it does to kids to be forcibly removed from a functioning home and parents that love them and take very good care of them. If my children were taken, I'm afraid of what it would do to me psychologically, and what that would do to my addiction. I'm a light user, but an addict no less. i use 20$ a day, but I'm a slave to it. Because I'm a high functioning addict, life seems perfectly normal to a third party observer. But in reality, I'm killing myself, albeit slowly, and it WILL catch up to me.
    I should note here that I'm also an educated woman, who holds a BA in the field of substance abuse studies. I know meth addiction, from both sides of the fence, inside and out. It is a dangerous, destructive drug that people rarely put down without help, and even with help, meth addicts have a 99% recidivism rate. However, people can change. You have seen your husband's use almost disappear, and although the sickness lingers forever, I'd call him a success story.
    I use because #1 I'm lonely and #2 I'm alone. As a single mom, I've got way more than i can handle if i want my children to have the right upbringing. I have a certain set of expectations that I'm unwilling to take less than. So i exist on only a few hours of sleep every night. About every two weeks i sleep an entire day or two, however much scheduling will allow (sleepovers, scout camping, grandparents etc). I cannot, CANNOT, get everything done that i need to if i sleep one third of every day away. I now understand why the family unit works best with two parents. No matter how much i cherish my kids, I'm hopelessly lonely. The fact that I'm an addict has prevented me from ever having a real relationship. How could i ever tell someone that I'm an IV meth user, and expect them to stay?
    Then i met the man of my dreams. For the first time, i saw a light at the end of my tunnel. I had HOPE, i saw a chance for a HAPPY ENDING, a FUTURE; where those things didn't exist before. I was tortured by the fact i was living a lie. He knew something was amiss because he loves me and could see it in my eyes. So in an attempt to hold onto my dreams, I TOLD HIM THE TRUTH. He was not happy, but he truly loved me and promised to help. However, the stigmas associated with addiction would haunt the next few years of my life.
    We set a quit date. I hated the way he looked at me when i was high, a look of disdain, disappointment, hurt, and disgust. I couldn't make it to the quit date, i put down my needles a month before schedule. It was a tough month. I did not do anything besides sleeping, eating, and going to the bathroom. I willing gave up my car keys, my money, and my phone. I changed my phone number. I dropped people that had been in my life for 15 plus years. For the next year, i never thought of drugs. Not once did i want to use. I was happy.
    Then, an old friend came by, and the same old story you've heard before became my own. He learned i had had contact with a using buddy, and became suspicious of every move i made. I became increasingly resentful of his suspicions. And in keeping with a normal addict, i used the lack of trust to justify getting high again. He knew, of course, and my denial (i was ashamed and embarrassed) only furthered his distrust. He left. I felt abandoned. After all, i had gone an entire year!
    I begged him back, but the seed was planted. Trust is hard to regain, and I'm an addict with an instant gratification mindset. I felt my progress had been minimized, that I'd always be a junkie I'm his eyes, deserving of a sideways look at the first perceived hint of trouble. Three years later (after leaving several times after i slipped, and a few when he thought i did but hadn't), the ease in which he has been able to abandon our family has left me feeling insecure. He used to be my rock, on which i anchored my sobriety.
    At current, he is living at his own home again, and we are dating, but don't see each other often. He feels lied to, i feel I'll never be anything but a junkie to him. He wants me to be honest about my recovery. I'm afraid if i slip, or even share feelings of cravings or urges, or of difficulty in my sobriety, i will start to see that unsure look in his eyes again.
    I gave up the only defense mechanism, security blanket, and coping strategy
  16. ktdid

    ktdid Member

    I have known my entire adulthood, when he came into my life. When i feel he has doubt in my ability and desire to stay clean, i question his commitment to our relationship.
    How can he question my desire for sobriety? Haven't i proven that I'm willing to work hard to stay clean? Does using only a handful (5x) in 3 years mean nothing? Is my effort not good enough? AM I NOT WORTH THE EFFORT? Is my best not good enough?
    At the same time, i understand his side. He has hurt alongside me thru withdrawal, he has dealt with the physical and emotional ups and downs that come after the initial come down. He has had anxiety, worry, and fear every time he wasn't in my presence that i would use again. He is scared to fully invest in me.
    What gets me high is my insecurities about his commitment.
    What causes his commitment o waiver is his insecurities about my ability to be sober.
    It's a catch 22. And until one of us is able (in my case) or willing (as in his case) to take the leap, we're doomed. And if that happens, i fear for my life. Addiction will kill me, it is a terminal illness.
    I thought i was sad before. But now that I've had a small slice of seeing my hopes, dreams, and ambitions realized.....and then watched it slip away.....Im a walking corpse. I feel hollow. I wish there was some way that he could understand how very much his faith in me has meant. I've said the words, but i can't expect him to understand how deep the gratitude is. I wish he could find the strength, like you have, to stick it out they the hard times. I know I'm worth it, i know i will spend the rest of my life doing my best to share a happy life with him, trying to repay him for literally saving my life. If he stays. If.
    I'm ashamed to say my kids aren't enough to stay sober. I'm embarrassed to admit i can't clean up alone. I'm angry i will fight this disease forever. But I'd be eternally grateful if he could love me in spite of my disease.
    I know if one day he falls victim to a disease, nothing could ever separate me from his side. In sickness or in health, for better or worse. I love him with everything i have or will have. He could save me, as you have your husband.
    I can't imagine he would feel any different. I expect it is hard for him to communicate, in a way you understand, how very grateful he is that you have loved him enough to stand by him.
    Never show him your post. Pray he never finds out. It would probably destroy him if he knew you regretted your decision to be with him. I know it would me.
    I hope the man i love is as strong as you have been to see our relationship thru. I hope i can show him enough love in one lifetime to keep him from regretting it.
    I hope sharing my thoughts with you might shed some insight into the mind of what it feels like to be on the receiving end of someone's compassion. I hope after reading it you might rethink the way you feel about your role in helping same someone's life.
    Had you made other choices, and he fell victim to the disease, would you sleep at night knowing you could have done more?
    all37 likes this.
  17. Corzhens

    Corzhens Active Contributor

    Pardon me but I disagree with the title. A meth addict does not need affection albeit discipline, strict discipline is the key to his recovery. I have a nephew who was hooked on meth and he always returned to his vice after a series of rehabs. So I'd say he should be given the rod so he would not be spoiled.
  18. all37

    all37 Member

    Every human being needs and deserves affection! I'm not sure how old ur nephew is but u can demand rehab , strict discipline , making sure he got the rod! But.... If he wants to use there isn't anything u can do or force him to become sober! He has stand up and dust himself off Alone before anyone can help him. And he's not "spoiled!" He's being enabled to continue to stay high! The only thing u can do is step away cut some ties and let him hit rock bottom. Starving dirty alone and beaten up mentally so he owns that! But u can't allow him over or borrow money doing ?laun.dry! Ect, once people realize this is their cross to take up to bear.?i know this from experience! My family with is extremely large decided to ask me to go.almost had to sleep in a crime ridden scaring park one night with 4 small kids ages 6,4,3,06 mod.?but thank god! A room opened up.?and shelters aren't a easy thing to be in especially with 4 tiny kids. After 3 shelters an 5 months went by. I was finally approve for housing. And u know what?? I went right back to using. For almost another year their dad and I were in all out mental and physical war. I didn't stop until a year.,hit the ground hard!! Then my mom got a s to church the power or God truly save a needle using dope head!
    Last edited: May 25, 2015
  19. all37

    all37 Member

  20. all37

    all37 Member

    Hi. It's devastating to love someone addicted to meth! It's such and evil, deceiving drug. As far as asking if u had to do it over, would u??u don't get re dos. And if u have stuck with him and the dysfunction battles of meth use then u would of stayed! Trials and hardships r what make tough people have their own version of happily ever after. They know appreciation, forgiveness, as well as stubbornness. Couples who endure such a long tough battle r made to last.