I have a brother; who, before a few years ago, was the golden child. College right after high school, received his PharmD, bought a house, got married, ect. He was also my best friend. We lived just a few block away from each other and used to hang out everyday. One day my mother received an E-mail from his (then) wife telling the story of all my brother's secrets; his hidden life. He was using fentanyl intravenously, he lied about having a job, he used craigslist for sex, among all kinds of behavior that was shocking to me and my family. There was a divorce, a house lost, hundreds of thousands of dollars, but most importantly, a friendship was lost. He went to in-patient recovery and has been out for some months. He is currently in South America traveling around. While I believe him to be abstaining from opiates I do believe him to be "imbibing" and harboring more skeletons in his closet. My feelings towards him are indescribable. Anger, sadness, distrust, these don't come anywhere near to describing how I feel. There are no words. It is a nameless emotion. I feel as if I have lost my best friend as well as a role model. It is a shattered reality. Some of my family members attend ALANON meetings and they tell me how much it helps them come to terms and cope, yet I can not find the interest to attend these meetings. I just want to push out the feelings and go on as usual. Thinking about him I can literally hear my brain telling me "Stop right there! You don't want to go off the deep end do you?" I am happy he is making strides towards recovery and I know I need to be doing the same thing. I am just not ready.