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1 is never enough, 30 and I overdose

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Confusedandscared, Oct 6, 2018.

  1. i keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I’m looking for relief from my depression, guilt and shame. Whatever the drug, Xanax, Ritalin, methadone, anything I can get - I take one or two and feel a little better. Then 15 minutes later I take another and continue this until they are all gone. My method of use is snorting by the way.

    I have called the suicide hotline 3 times. I’ve suffered from the effects of overdose several times and they were so bad I wished I was dead.

    I haven’t told anyone about my addiction, doctors, therapist, family. No one knows. I kind of feel like if I had access to meth or coke - something stronger - maybe I’d finally get that good feeling I keep chasing.

    If I don’t stop the overdosing it is going to kill me, I’m taking a 30 day supply of Ritalin in 2 days. I feel guilty and embarrassed and don’t want anyone to know. I’ve tried and just can’t stop. I think about death all the time and really don’t care if it kills me, it’s the sickness from the overdose that I can’t stand, and I fear that if/when I die I’ll go to hell.

    Well that’s my secret that I have kept for a long long time. At least now I’ve voiced it. Thank you
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Confusedandscared First off let me tell you "Ritalin"is meth so you searching for a stronger more intense high.....Its not going to happen.The only thing you will find if you switch to the street version is almost instant death if you are already pushing to overdose stage with the prescription form.I am grateful you have your faith,I am a recovering addict who is barely coming up on one month sober after a short relapse, I understand where you are mentally my friend I really do,I use to be in the exact same spot,I chased death in so many ignorant ways it would take a novel to explain and you can find that novel here on this site through my ruffle 1000 posts,I was addicted to everything except sunlight and I had to lose everyone and everything before I decided to attempt to change my life and I pushed my loved one's away purposely as I had myself convinced they wouldn't suffer that way if I died,let me tell you my friend I was luring to myself as now I know and understand they would still suffer and the person I am today....I don't want to hurt anyone accidentally by hurting myself, I had to dig deep and I still do,deep within my heart and soul and the person I am finding is a very caring,loving,understanding, remorseful,concerned individual and I was unaware for most of my life.Use your faith for strength, turn to God and surrender your pain and accept his guidance. I pray you continue to reach out and the more you reach the more I will reach back as will other's. You can beat this and you don't have to do it alone but you must love yourself, you have to stop chasing a more intense high trust me there isn't one,not until you get sober .Sobriety is the best high there is,and it's natural.Sober I like to run and I get the best rush after about 40 minutes of running, endorphins kick in for me around 40 minutes in and they are healthy and the exercise is healthy. I fought several substances for over 20 years and the best high I've ever had has been recently and it didn't come from a substance it cane from within,I know it may sound crazy but I am telling you the truth.Stay Strong and God Bless you
    deanokat likes this.
  3. Hello, thank you so much for your thoughtful response. It does help to share what I’m secretly going through.

    You mentioned my faith, I’m sorry to say I don’t have any. I’ve never been spiritual, religious or felt a connection to God. One of my big concerns I hope to get forgiveness for all the wrongs I’ve done throughout my life. I feel that if there is a God I am doomed to hell. I am not afraid of death at all and welcome the relief of my pain, but am terrified of an eternity in hell.

    I am lying to everyone I know and the thought of telling the truth and the embarrassment it would cause is just to much. If I told the truth about all the mistakes and horrible things I’ve done I don’t think people could forgive me or look at me the same way. People know I have mental problems but have no idea the extent of it.

    The drugs sometimes make me feel better but as I continue to take too many of them I start to feel confused and sick to my stomach. I also get very nervous the more Ritalin I take. When I start feeling that way I start to think that maybe I’m overdosing. Instead of stopping I just take more and more til I get to the point where I think it might kill me. At that point I just start hoping I’ve taken enough so I don’t wake up. And when I do wake up I feel horrible for days.

    I have such hate for myself, I do not respect myself. I do not have any redeeming charterisitics. If I did stop doing the drugs, what would it really accomplish, I’d still be the same worthless person with the past that has no meaning or accomplishments.

    I wish I was religious so that I could admit my sins to someone and repent and be forgiven and start over. As it is there is no one to forgive me so I won’t go to hell. How can I find peace in this life when I know that upon death endless hell is waiting for me.

    I appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this. I know I sound like a total downer but this is the first and only time I’ve ever honestly admitted how I feel. I’m sorry I just have no positive words of wisdom to share.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I'm happy to hear back from you and I am not here to preach to you about religion, but I do have a question out of curiosity. Why do you believe in hell but not in God?I personally do believe in God as I have to believe this...Life we go through is meant for something bigger and I don't necessarily know if that's true but I choose to believe. I personally think the human body is to complex and to perfectly built as every organ both internal and external is absolutely vital to our survival, if we lose one organ in our body the rest usually suffer dearly for it and I can't buy into evolution because I just don't think we...human's are an accidental perfect mix of everything necessary to survive but again I'm not here to preach, but I do hope you find something within yourself that gives you hope and peace.You must stop hating yourself my friend I know because I struggle with that at time's myself and what I have come to realize is it's the "Me" who has no control that I hate and not the "Me"who is sober and tries to help other's. Substances are meant to destroy lives that's why they recommend a daily dose and don't recommend over use,it's already known that over use will kill us and sobriety is not easy to regain but there is nothing worth fighting for more than your life.I lost my entire family wife,kids,trust,etc I lost it all but I thank God I have the chance to try and redeem myself as the people I've lost are the ones I love the most.You can do this my friend. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  5. Hello and thanks for writing.

    I wouldn’t so much say that I don’t believe in God as much as I don’t have ‘faith’. All my life people have been talking about how if I could only ‘keep the faith’ I would be alright. I’ve read religious books, I’ve tried praying, but I just feel like a phony because I don’t get any kind of spiritual feeling. I just feel empty. But when I hear others talk about their faith and belief in God I want to feel the way they do. I do believe that others have a connect to God. But for whatever reason those feelings allude me. So although I don’t feel anything when it comes to God on an intellectual level I believe that he probably does exist. And because of that I feel there must be a hell too. I wish I could feel something when it comes to connect with God, maybe then I’d be able to ask for forgiveness and maybe stop my guaranteed trip to hell.

    I have tried going to church before and using all the words and phrases the other people there use. But I felt like a phony and did not believe what I was saying. I just don’t get where people get this absolute faith from. No matter how hard I try I just can’t believe and feel like if I pretend that’s just another lie and road to hell.
    deanokat, Dominica and True concern like this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I understand what you are saying my friend, for myself it's not about "falling in line"to say and do as the other's I understand exactly what you are saying as far as that part goes and myself I don't pray because I want to be accepted or part of rather I pray to be myself,different from and my own.I believe God knows us better than we know ourselves and getting to know him is not a set path or one way road.i believe he made us all unique in our own ways for a reason and to deny our unique qualities in my mind would be similar to what you describe as a purposeful lie.Each one of us unique and each one of us with free will get to choose whether we believe or don't believe. I believe in God with all my heart through my perception of him and the love he has to offer,I believe he will not come to a person who does not seek him with his heart and soul so as to do like the rest couldn't work in my eye's, heart,mind,and soul.I believe the connection you speak of to God is a personal one and I believe there is no one perfect people he chooses rather he who believes completely in his heart and soul will find him.I pray you find your way my friend as the path you are currently on only seeks to destroy you ,whatever your path may be know you don't have to walk it alone nor do you have to be part of a herd,find your path and be sincere about it and then it will present itself. STAY STRONG MY FRIEND YOU ARE NOT ALONE
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2018
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  7. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    @Confusedandscared hey there friend your not alone. Just wanted to let you know there are ppl here for you. I'm so sorry about the pain your going through but I seen your post and @True concern is someone full of advice and wisdom and someone I would consider a friend as many others here. What he says is true. I was also on ritalin growing up for ADHD and it messed me up and eventually as I got old I did switch to the street version which is crystal. I spent years tormented and trapped in addiction and the more depressed I got wanting out the more I used to numb my emotions and lost everything. I was clean finally 2.5 years till I relapsed about a week or so ago and I'm on day 4 now detoxing at home and the withdrawal and pain and sick feeling is more then I'd ever want to see someone else going through. As my friend has given you plenty of wisdom all I can leave you with is that I beg you find help from professionals before it gets worse and stay far away from crystal meth. Your suffering enough as it is with ritalin which as mentioned is just a legal version of it. You don't want and I don't want to see the grips of crystal on your life. My prayers are with you friend. Take care
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  8. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Hello and welcome to the Forum. I'm glad that you're reaching out and that you were able to admit it to us. I will admit I do fear for your life. And I think it would be a shame to lose such a good Soul as you. What I'd like you to know is that addiction is a disease that is treatable. The same thing with depression. But if you don't reach out then you can't get treated. I'm curious to know what the suicide hotline tells you when you call them.

    I know it's challenging to tell others the truth, but I pray that you'll be able to do so. Or perhaps check yourself into the hospital. I know that may be hard for you but there are people there that can help you.

    I want you to know that you are welcome here and there will never be any judgment here. Addiction may have a hold of you, but that does not have to be your future. But it's going to take you opening up to someone that can offer you some help professionally. Do you think you'll be able to do that?
    deanokat likes this.
  9. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    I also want to mention that I think a big part of this is your immense emotional pain. It's tough to feel a connection with anything when you're swimming in pain. I wonder if you've ever really dug deep with a professional therapist to address the pain you've been experiencing since you were a child. The majority of those wrestling with addiction had some sort of trauma or abuse or neglect in childhood.

    Think of the little five year old that is getting abused by a parent perhaps. They don't know how to process that or understand it, so they shut down a part of themselves. They stop the pain and they keep silent. But that pain in their emotional body doesn't just go away. It just goes dormant and as an adult that pain comes back asking the adult to process it and integrate it.

    It's like we go through lives fragmenting off parts of our "selves", where we're left feeling like we're nothing. So at some point, it's like our very soul is asking us to call those parts of our souls back that we have cut off or given away or have been stolen from us.

    I look at addiction like this. You're swimming in emotional pain. Layers and layers and layers of heartache and confusion and negative emotions covering up your very soul. So very much like an onion, you must begin peeling off those layers and oftentimes it's challenging to do this on your own. You need a qualified therapist to be able to help you. And it's also not likely to happen when your continuing to abuse drugs or alcohol.

    So I think that you have an opportunity here in not only becoming honest with yourself, but becoming honest with others in a vulnerable way, beginning a New Journey where you can perhaps for the first time in your life really start digging deep and getting to know yourself. And most find that after doing such a digging and healing some of those Old Wounds that they feel more connected to themselves, to others, and to a higher power.

    But it requires a consistent, planned Journey. But I'm here to tell you that healing the immense amount of pain is possible or at least the majority of it in layers. Because underneath all of that stuff, you are an amazing soul. You are not who you are currently thinking you are. That is a false South or ego construct that you've created throughout your life in dealing with pain and Trauma.

    The real you is beautiful, kind, hopeful, curious, lovable, and worthy of unconditional love.

    And that's just what you'll get here, unconditional love. So I hope you keep coming back.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  10. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Very nice, raw,pure,genuine, sincere....Yes I like this message
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  11. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Confusedandscared... Welcome to the community, my friend. I'm sorry to hear of the struggles you've been going through. But I want you to know, no matter how bad things are, you can get better. You just have to be willing to work at it and find the right resources. It's okay to not be okay. We all go through rough periods in our lives. Unfortunately, some people's rough periods are worse than others. But there is always hope. So please, don't ever give up.

    @True concern and @Dominica have given you some excellent advice and insight. So had @Lostboy8731. I echo everything they've said to you.

    Your life is so important and valuable. I urge you to consider going to an ER and telling them what you've told us here. They can assist you in getting the help you need. My son has had issues with addiction and depression and the ER has proved to be a valuable resource for him.

    We're here and we care. So please don't hesitate to reach out and lean on us anytime you feel like it. We will always listen, no matter what.

    Sending you lots of positive energy, hope, and encouragement. You matter. Never forget that, okay?
  12. Thank you all so much for writing. I am very glad I’ve found this place and can be open and get these feeling out.

    Regarding what the suicide hotline said, they begged me to go to the hospital but I refused. They spent very much time talking to me. Unfortunately, while I was talking to them they somehow traced my location and sent the police and ambulance to my house. I refused to go with the amblulane and the police officer told them they couldn’t force me to go.

    The other time I called they offered to send a couple of counselors to my house to talk to me. I welcomed them in and was completely honest with them. After about an hour they told me that they had to suggest I go to the hospital. I told them I didn’t want to go and they said if I didn’t go voluntarily they would call the police and force me to go. So an ambulance came and the counselors told the driver they would meet us at the hospital and left. Once I was in the ambulance I told them I didn’t want to go and they said they couldn’t force me and I was free to go. So I went inside and closed all the blinds and didn’t answer the phone which rang about 20 times throughout the afternoon.

    I have a therapist, actually have an appointment this afternoon. But I haven’t told her anything about my addiction. I get my Ritalin from my psychiatrist and I’m afraid if I tell the therapist she’ll call the psychiatrist and I won’t be able to get it anymore.

    I Know that at least 2 of my over dosed left me close to death or perhaps permanent brain damage. I don’t want to feel that sick again, it is horrible and takes days to recover. I really am not actively trying to end my life, I just can’t stop taking more and more. I think in some way I am actually addiction to the process of snorting the drug. It is like a ritual.

    In a way when I think about the possibility of telling anyone about this I would have to admit to years and years of lying. Not only that but I know that in sobering programs they want you to be honest abot everything and even apologize for things you’ve done wrong. I just don’t feel like I could handle people knowing all the secrets I have.

    My therapist told me recently that I should journal about things I don’t want to talk about. So I made a list of all the bad things I’ve done and people I’ve hurt or disappointed. It was pages and pages long. After I finished I was just horrified. I cried for 2 days and finally ripped it up and threw it away. Since then I’ve been deeply deeply depressed. There is nothing good about me and my life has been nothing but selfishness. I just can’t admit to anyone what a terrible person I am. I know that other people might have these feelings sometimes to. And I know they’ll be given advice and encouragement that they aren’t a bad person. But believe me if you know the life I’ve lived you’d believe me when I say I’m a bad person. And really what would anyone be able to say or do to make me feel better, being honest they couldn’t say oh no you are a good person you shouldn’t feel that way. I feel the only thing I’d accomplish by telling anyone would be that they would look down on me and want nothing more to do with me.

    When I take the drugs it puts me into a fog where I don’t think clearly, therefore not remembering the things I feel bad about.

    Thanks for listening to me and I know I may not make since but it’s good to get this stuff out
    deanokat likes this.
  13. Well I’m kind of thinking a little bit about telling my therapist. I’m just not sure what she would do or say. But anyway my appointment is at 2:00 and I’m thing about it.
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  14. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Confusedandscared yes, you've probably done some really rotten things... and if you haven't done them, you've probably thought about doing them. welcome to this thing called life.... where we all do things we're ashamed of...and regret. little or big, everyone can relate. and the things you did don't make YOU..the real you...a bad person. your bad decisions don't mean YOU'RE BAD...

    i think the core wound most people have to deal with (and heal) is


    and maybe we aren't. or maybe... just maybe we are.

    despite all the bad things we've done or people we've hurt. maybe we are worthy of forgiveness...of ourselves and from others. maybe this is why christianity talks about our righteousness being as filthy rags without god...grace.. mercy.. in and of ourselves, we eff up. a lot (ok, not everyone. but many)

    but we also have the opportunity to draw a line in the sand and say "no more". no more doing those kinds of things... no more being a more hiding, numbing, blaming, shaming, etc.

    we all have today.... all we ever have is the present... let's make TODAY a good day...

    let us know how therapy goes ;)
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  15. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I am happy you have released some of what you feel and I understand self hate...all to well..the people we hurt,the shame we feel,the hate for ourselves almost in itself proves we are not genuinely bad people, at lest in my opinion. To me truly bad people NEVER feel any negative effects on themselves, meaning the bad thing's they have done NEVER bother them,a "Guilt"free conscious is a myth,we all have something we regret,something we feel bad about, something that tries to drag us down and I think @Dominica is correct we can say ENOUGH and draw the line to our own behavior which makes us hate ourselves, I will be honest when I first came to this site and I decided to give sobriety a Real was one of the hardest thing's I've ever done in my life,for 3 month's I typed and cried over and over,but I kept going creating thread after thread questioning everything I could remember, 3 month's hating myself, 3 long painful month's trying to understand it all and I probably haven't even broke the surface, 20 year's of drinking,drugging,I still don't understand why and it bothers me a lot but the way I keep going is I have myself convinced I gave up early to get it out of my system and now through all the digging, all the hurt I feel I can't give up the way I use to be able to, I don't have that ability any more,I look at my family and I draw strength from them as I have an older brother who is disabled and a little sister that needs to be able to be a kid so for me I can't give up because they need me but not just that I need them as well, they allow me to care and I can't believe I just said that but it's the truth and I guess everyday I make a little progress,I actually care now....anyways sobriety is not easy but it's so worth fighting for my friend, I am still trying to make sense of many thing's and I still struggle but here on this site I have received support from other's I didn't know existed and o am forever grateful to them all.I believe if you keep sharing little by little you will make progress in the correct direction, I never thought I would live to see the day when I was sober and minus my medicine from the Dr as I wait on surgery I can say I am and everyday I make a little progress....progress not perfection my friend, you can do it.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
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  16. Well I did not tell my therapist about drugs. However, I did discuss my problems with guilt and shame about past behavior. She had me tell her the worst thing that I feel I have done along with a couple of other things. I got a lot of relief from these confessions and discussing them. We are going to plan for me to confess a couple of things at each of our appointments. I think confessings these things is the only way to lead to getting over my depression. i feel positive about it.
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  17. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Confusedandscared... For what it's worth, I'm a big fan of being 100 percent honest with my therapist. If it were me--and this is just my opinion--I would tell her about the drugs. If a therapist doesn't know everything that's going on with someone, it's hard for them to help you with the big picture. Just my two cents.
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  18. I know you are right. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do about the drugs. That is a decision that I have to think about for a while. My thinking isn’t that clear right now.
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  19. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Confusedandscared Good morning. I'm really glad you were able to tell your therapist some things that were making you feel badly. I think it's a great plan for you to confess a couple of things each session. That is definitely progress and I'm very proud of you! I think you are on the right path and my hope is that you will gain some more clarity and be able to address the drug addiction. Grateful that you're here with us journeying this thing called life!
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  20. I’m definitely feeling more positive this morning. My biggest secret that I feel is the worse thing I’ve ever done happened between the ages of 5-8 years old. I’ve carried the burden of that guilt like a condemned person. Telling her was very hard and extremely emotional. But she was able to explain in her opinion that there were other older people also involved and that at the time I just really didn’t know Better. She said it did not make her think bad of me but instead made her think that I am a very sensitive caring person or else I wouldn’t be suffering so much from the memory of it. I think I am going to be able to start forgiving myself for it and look forward to getting relief from other memories as I share them.
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