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30 day mark

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Onceaddicted77, Jun 9, 2019.

  1. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Hi guys I just wanted to share my story. It started about 20 years ago...

    When I was 20 I started down the path of destruction though I didnt know it at the time I was just young and dumb. I did any drug I could get my hands on if it made me feel good. I rolled atleast 150 times one year. Then meth, yea stupid though I thought I was still functioning fine since I only did it on the weekends.

    Now what I didnt understand and what should have been taught since biology and chemistry are my two favorite subjects is how these drugs change our brains. But unfortunately the government decides what we learn in school.

    I would not come to understand this until recently. So to continue my story I basically found my drug of choice at 32 years old. It was hydrocodone wow it made me feel great I could go to work all day and get so much done. I'm a tile setter by trade and I own my own company its hard work and it took away all the hardness and pain out of it. Tile is heavy but not on opaites.

    So I finally got up to about 25 10s a day of lortab. I got worried about the tylenol 10k mg a day is really bad on the liver, I knew what I had to do, I had to switch to Oxy smart huh? Lol well about 3 years of that finally got up to 240mg a day 3 80s back then. I couldn't afford it anymore so yep no problem on to the big H. Luckily I didnt do that very long before my mom saved me.

    She gave me the 450 dollars to start suboxone treatment. I decided right then I'm done with these drugs. Sounded good but I wasnt ready, I read about suboxone before I went and I didnt believe it would work because I didnt understand how opaites actually worked. It worked great I was able to go to work again and function I told myself and the dr I want to take this for the rest of my life.

    Well I even started to abuse it after a few months. I was prescribed 12 mg a day but my addict brain wanted more so I would buy it wherever I could and snorted it whatever.. It caused major depression and made me feel like a robot when abused because I was at the ceiling of 32mgs.

    So 10 years later here I am, I understand my mistakes and I know the mechanics behind addiction now and I try to look at it scientifically. It helps to know why you are craving or wanting something. I'm on my 30 day mark of quitting suboxone. I knew if I could just go 4 days without it I would have it whooped. I wanted to share my story because if I can do it anyone can because when your ready to get clean you know it..

    I started my taper 10 months ago and I did it the way most say is best I cut 25% down each week I didnt notice much at first until I got down to under 1mg it got hard and longer to stabilize but I stuck through it. I got down to .12mgs or 120 micrograms of suboxone it's such a small peice of a 2mg strip it's crazy it even does anything but it did..

    So after jumping off it went well for 2 days I thought wow this is gonna be easy, so here comes 3rd and 4th day suboxone is a long acting opaite so it takes a while like 4 days to completely leave your system. 3rd day was ruff not so much the physical but the anxiety was killer still comes and goes but it's getting better.

    I called the doc and she gave me gabapentin on the 5th day I had read about things that help and it came up. To my surprise it did help, alot. You have to understand when you have had enough you start to hate the thing that is holding you back like drugs and that's a good thing. So 4th day came harder than 3rd but it was no where close to Oxy or H withdrawl.

    So to the present day The biggest thing after opaites is the anxiety and stress responses your body and mind are going through. I'm on the 30 day mark and still have paws but itll get better and I'm so excited about being clean for the first time in 20 years. I'm not gonna drink or do any drug that can hinder my healing brain.

    What I have learned is it's all about homeostasis returning the brain to normal function and that takes abstinence and time.
    Our brain wants equilibrium and it cant do that with narcotics in your system. I know now that drugs are not the answer because you cannot sustain it. Your brain dosnt want it even though your mind says you do. I am never going back.

    Even though I cry and laugh in the same day now I'm so excited to actually feel my emotions again. I am no longer a robot.

    I truly hope this could even reach a single person and help. God bless and be strong.

    I'm sorry for the wall of text. :) just wanted to share my story. I hope it can help someone who is going through this and feels like it wont end, It does and you'll be so happy and proud you did it!

    Ps Grammar is not my strong suit so I apologize in advance lol.
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2019
  2. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @Onceaddicted77 welcome to the forum. Our stories are similar in that I was on pills and graduated to snorting Heroin. That was about 6 months and I've been going to a .methadone clinic. I have a little over two months clean. I'm so happy to hear about your journey to sobriety. It's not easy but it can be done. Some of us need tools like MAT and others abuse those tools. We have another thread about MAT. Please stick around you may be able to help someone else.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Onceaddicted77 hello and welcome to the forum. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. I’m so glad that you have gotten off of drugs. Your life will certainly be richer for sure.

    You bring up a great point about learning about addiction and how it affects the brain. I do encourage people to learn about this as they go about their recovery.

    I’m interested in Nuroplasticity ... it’s definitely an interesting field of science and shows the incredible plasticity of the brain.

    I hope to keep seeing you around here, and again thank you for sharing that beautiful story of triumph!
  4. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    I would like to add one small thing to what he said that made a major difference in his recovery.
    Notice that he said its crazy to think that 120 mcg of suboxone is enough to do anything...but it did, well that's why coming off of it gets such a bad rap.

    It is so much (I'm talking hundreds of times stronger than some opiates ) stronger than most that even when you get down to that 120 mcg mark its good to start skipping days if you wanted to make it even easier.

    This person did it right and they said there was no months of hell awaiting them,like you hear in ALL of the horror stories.

    This really I don't understand you have to learn a little something to be able to have an IV habit in the first place. Its not everyone who can hit a vein and knows which ones to hit and which ones to stay away from.
    But its like people get on MAT and then ok I don't need to learn anything else...
    That mindset will set you up for severe pain. Because usually MAT is stronger than street dope.
    So know your meds like he (or she sorry) said. You'll be saving yourself months of misery if you do.
    Onceaddicted77 and deanokat like this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, @Onceaddicted77. I'm so happy to hear that you are on the recovery path! And it's great that you educated yourself on addiction. Knowledge is power! Your story will help others, for sure, so thanks a million for sharing it.

    One question: How long did you take the gabapentin?

    Thanks again for being here. I'm glad you found us and shared!
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  6. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Thanks for your welcoming and kind response guys.

    I took the gaba for 3 weeks. 3 300mg a day first week 2 300mgs a day 2nd and she gave me some 100mgs 3 times for third to taper incase I was sensitive to gaba. I believe in the tapers now. Our body's can become used to a substance in less than a week crazy. Been off for a week now and I'm doing good.

    I heard of people tapering too fast and having major depression but my depression actually stopped on my taper down from suboxone and to be honest I felt the best on suboxone at micro doses. I felt emotions but could still feel the suboxone.

    When I jumped off I felt more anxious than anything. Kind of like a fight or flight feeling. The gaba totally took that away no RLS and no restlessness at night and no hot flashes just cold sensations mostly. I slept like a baby.

    I believe the gaba works so well because of the overexcited neurotransmitters like glutamate that rebounds after suboxone.
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2019
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  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    That's great, @Onceaddicted77. And yeah, tapering off of any med is the best way to do it, I think. Glad you're off of everything now. And that you're sleeping well. All good stuff!

    Happy you're here with us. :)
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  8. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Thank you! Its amazing when we triumph over something as hard as this it makes us want to help other people get that same feeling of accomplishment.

    I feel like this might just be the hardest thing I have ever done and it just might be. Not just dealing with withdrawl but everything. Man after reading the statistics of ever getting clean from opaites and even remaining that way can bring doom over you. But dont let it, convincing yourself your ready is harder than the withdrawls.

    Keep a positive mindset and be excited and happy for yourself when you are doing good.

    I am the third out of my family in the past year that has got off of suboxone we all have the same past and we all got off the same way. After 7 years of suboxone! I know I read alot of horror storys about if you have been on this for so long you can never quit that's bull. You can do it too!

    I hope this helps someone that's scared to stop. I have learned there is no perfect time to quit because that held me back. I cant quit yet because I have to do this or that. Do let it stop you. God bless
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  9. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    That’s awesome that three people in your family have gotten off of this. What a wonderful testimony to inspire others!
  10. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    I agree man music. Muuuuussssiiiiic.....
    I said just the other day I have 2 pair of earbuds so that when one pair dies I can swap to the other. I'm in love with my Bluetooth. Now if I could actually find Bluetooth headphones man...
    I might have another problem on my hands. Really are your headphones wireless? If so id like to know where you got them.
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  11. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    my headphones are not wireless...
  12. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

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  13. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    i'm not that tech savvy.. lol i'm alright with wire phones.
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  14. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    They honestly are probably better for your brain, not having an antenna right at the side of your head. And I do use wired ones when I can...
    Its mostly when I'm working because its so easy to bust a phone leaning over greasy machinery and stuff. But ill look into wired headphones because I do like the superiority of the sound they provide.
    And I really am a music geek. I appreciate good sound.. I don't even want to listen if they are cheap really.
    I still keep the dust covers on my old l.p. record player pickups. I take my sound serious.
    I bet I could get a decent pair off of Amazon.
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  15. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    So I have read your story and it is inspiring indeed,I'm going to share my initial story from about 2 year's ago,after I posted this I put in the work and made it to 10 month's truly sober then I had knee surgery and yep the pain meds were a big setback and here I am again attempting to once again get to sobriety and the goid news is I'm making progress but my emotions are all over the place yet again which for is difficult as I just want to supply inspiration but I get stuck in self pity mode at time's and I hate that sh*t,anyways just in case you want to or haven't yet read it here it is.

    This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you
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  16. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    Well I did end up reading your story again True...
    I read it again as to try and gain some insight into why you are struggling agian even though you know pain and suffering on such an intense level that it cannont be described. It can only be felt. And i dont wish that feeling on my worst enemy.
    As i was reading i realized i was trying to figure out something on a much more complex level, and i was asking basically why are you still an addict. Well i ask myself that everyday...
    and i got nothing.
    You told me something the other day that made me think really hard. Honestly i probably thought too long about it but in any case here is what i ultimately decided. First if i was going to get any sleep i had to stop thinking about it. Second was that i was never, no matter how hard i tried was i going to figure it out. That is why have i remained clean because God knows i have had some intense moments of craving. Truth is i might not be right now if it were not for that small dose of sub i get everyday. (And alot of people wouldnt consider that clean. Although i do and i know my kideys need it.)
    So if i were to have knee surgery or any type of surgery i wouldnt be taking norco because that would have me injecting by the end of the week. I would probably be on methadone. Because what you have done would be impossible for me to do. and to do a norco taper...with the pillls in the house! Forget it! I WOULD tear the house apart.
    i feel like im rambling but what im trying to get at is you are beating yourself up over a situation that you were put in that is an addits worst nightmare. 10 Months man! you could have made that year! SURGERY!
    I am afraid to have my teeth cleaned altough i take really good care of them beause i still have three wisdom teeth! i am afraid to have the othere 3 taken out. because the last one they wanted to give me 5 mg hydrocodone. it was only 12 tablets now,, but that still was enough for me to call my sister in tears while i was im the parking lot if the dentist office and tell her to just hurry quick and come help me.
    She pulls into the dentist office parking lot like the place was on fire, im leaned back crying like a little baby man. i wass so embarrased i cant even describe how ashamed i was. i just rolled down the window a crack and pushed out the prescription. i was so scared to leave with it i was locked up.
    if i had the willpower to stay there until she could come and rescue me from 12 little hydros, why didnt i just throw it away myself? it wasnt out of wanting attention, or pity, it was because i couldnt. i really was locked up. imagine someone scared of hights but they are way up on a ladder afraid to climb down. well if they would climb down they wouldnt be up there anymore. thats the best analogy i have for how i felt.
    I have not shared that with anyone beause it is so emarassing to me. but i hope it helps you too stop being so hard on yourself. youve done something MOST addicts could not do. And for that, im proud of you.
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  17. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Hey @Joshstillclean I'm not sure where you posted your original story. So ill post this here since we are all here. From what I understand you have been here for a while helping people and that is so commendable dude! Even though we dont do it for praise. There is something so unselfish about wanting to help other people and I can tell you really do enjoy helping people. That's freaking awesone man.

    I hope you dont think I judge you or anyone else for being on subs Just because I'm not anymore. They saved my life and I know they will other people too. I was grateful for them and still am for people that need it. As I said before in my story post that I was once content in taking them for the rest of my life. You may wake up one day and be ready like I was, until then you are doing what you feel is right for you and that's all that matters is your happiness. The struggle is still there even on subs, I know the long half live saved me from doing bad things before.

    I just wanted to say I can relate to each and everyone of you guys and I'm sure its vice versa that's why we are all here.

    You guys are awesome and again I'm so glad I found all of you.
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  18. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Look in the mirror, @Onceaddicted77. That guy is pretty damn awesome, too!
  19. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Thank you @deanokat I appreciate that brother. I only hope to help and accept help and if just one thing I say resonates with somebody I'd be ecstatic. I bet we would all feel that way!
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2019
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  20. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    NO! Absolutely not. Look man your a pretty awsome guy to talk to yourself and I'm glad to have gotten to know you and i concider you a new cyber buddy. I really did go for a while without any MAT methadone or subutex. And i was ok. Just okay. I wasn't jumping up and down with joy everday for just waking up...and actually I'm still not... :)---
    Truth is the opporotunity I was given to go in with my sister in taking over my parents farm came with the caveat that i stay clean. See, my sobriety has been a major issue for, well i guess since oxycontin hit the streets. I was in oxy hell for a long time my friend. until one day i found out that i could get just as high for like 600 bucks less (heroin). And all our stories are similiar enough that you know the rest...
    Well, we had a family meeting and my sister flat out told me i needed to go back on suboxone at least for a little while. She knew i would be tempted to use again and she was right. I cannot be responsible for my family to loose everything over heroin or pills, or whatever type of opium i can get my hands on. I wasnt bringing in enough with just my buisness as a mechanic (automotive and industrial) to really worry about it. I would just go broke and be a screw up again. But this is different and others are relying on me for their income now as well.
    So since i needed to be functioning top notch and I was taking on another full time job (as it turns out my buisness is indeed picking up quickly and im exhausted most of the time) i went back on.
    I had been off for long enough that I kind of expected to get a little high if not flat out sick from the first few doses but i only catch a small buzz...hmmm-
    long story short i break my finger and while im at the hospital I tell them whats going on and have bloodwork done. As it turns out I was so tired and week all the time not only from hard work but my kidneys have not been funtioning as well as i was told at one point. Permanent damage from too much oxy and other stuff. So the MAT is sticking with me permanately until i find another way to keep my kidneys going good around the clock. I thought it was just going to be kinda a down lifestyle for the rest of my life bro. But no, i really had done permanent damage. Go figure!
    I'm actually happy to have found that out because now i know there is at least a reason for me being tired. Was a reason, as i don't feel that anymore.
    As far as helping people, man I dont think there is any way that i can ever repay what has been done and given to me. How do you re-pay life? That gives me chills and makes me tear up just thinking about that. And i just want to pay it forward as much as possible.
    And enjoying it? Well, it's really hurtful when you see someone relapse i'm realizing now what I've put so many through. But when you know that you helped just one person not use or not relapse, to me, that feels as GOOD as an oxy detox does BAD!
    -So yeah I enjoy the heck out of it.
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