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6 months into xanax withdraw. Thinking about finally seeing a doc

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Xtrm, Nov 26, 2018.

  1. Xtrm

    Xtrm Member

    Hi, hope your all doing well or moving quickly towards it. So here it goes, my partial story, not sure what I'm hoping to accomplish here.

    I somehow landed myself in a buffet of all things bad. Eventually I destroyed my shoulder cliff jumping on lsd. I was waiting for shoulder surgery for 2 years and not being able to live the life I was used to I allowed drugs to consume my life. Absolute pure consumption. Ironically the only thing I didn't abuse, even post surgery, was opiates. Instead I turned to xanax. Lots and lots of xanax mixed with a cocktail of uppers.

    I could tolerate the pain but not the restlessness, which was "likely" caused from excessive uppers and an inability to move. I self medicated with no limits for many years till I was no longer me. I was a shell.

    I wasn't blind, I could see I was spiralling quickly but had many excuses and plenty of lies to keep me going. I figured I'd address the growing issue after recovering from shoulder surgery. I had no idea what I was in for.

    First attempt (years earlier) at quitting xanax cold turkey resulted in a seizure. Had another seizure at a party after being up for 3 days and no maintenance dose. Even at this point I never said anything, never seen a doctor and somehow justified that in my mind.

    So I told the last few friends I was in contact with that I had to go play hermit in the bush and recover, that was 11 months ago. Nobody knew the extent of how messed up I was. I couldn't communicate it and they couldn't understand it. They could see it but didn't know what to do nor did I give anyone that tried to help a chance.

    I moved with family who are very supportive but I mostly hide away on a mates empty farm, I've never talked about what was happening, I felt it was something I had to do alone. So there I was family close by, on a farm removed from the world, small amount of my addictions, a plan to taper off and many tough times ahead.

    My taper was brutal. I didn't read anything about tapering or talk to anyone. I knew I couldn't go cold turkey. I knew the resources on hand and I stupidly thought I could maintain some sort of normalcy through all this and function so I was taking on a lot and dropping the ball everywhere.

    I figured if I stay up for 3 days on uppers I don't feel the withdrawals as much and I only need to take a smaller amount of xanax to possibly sleep. Honestly, it very well may have worked and I'd gladly swap an addiction to xanax for anything else. I had more addictions to knock down once I quit xanax anyway.

    Xanax was near out so the taper I need to do is getting harder and harder. I eventually ran out of xanax and turned completely zombie. Not sure how long, maybe a month or 2 of brutality. I don't even want to describe the pain. Medieval ****.

    The only thing that stopped me from getting more is that I'd put myself in a place where it would be hard and to get more anytime soon. And midst of withdrawal I couldn't communicate let alone drive .

    Still to this day I've never seen a doctor. It's been 6 months since my last dose of xanax. 2 months for most other things. 2 weeks off smoking cigarettes. 2 days off alcohol. I don't know how long I can or will keep up each sobriety attempt but I know each week I do I feel better than the last

    My withdrawal symptoms are still very much present when they want to be but I'm better than I was last month.

    I still feel varying levels of being present, most worrying is the random moments when I seem to go completely blank. I could be doing one thing and all of a sudden it's like I'm watching myself quick slip into zombie mode, often even start doing something completely different till I snapback to in a haze of confusion.

    Similar to above, more common but less intense are the slaps of blank mid conversation. Someone explaining something simple and bam I go blank for few seconds, eyes glaze over then come back to with no idea what we were talking about the past few minutes.

    Sure, there's the depression and anxiety and just a general feeling of being a **** cnt broken. I never had these thoughts before, I'll appreciate them for what they are, emotions. That's all they are. I spent years playing yo-yo with my mind n appreciated the highs now must master the lows. Haha this yo-yo has spun out n needs to be restrung n

    I try laugh it all off but deep down it sucks to think about what sort of damage it takes to cause serious & repetitive brain farts. Etc. Etc. Etc.
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2018
    True concern likes this.
  2. Xtrm

    Xtrm Member

    Sorry that ended up really long. Sort of just started typing n kept on.
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  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Xtrm You are not alone.I may respond in a bit tonight but some thing's I read remind me of what fading away truly looks and feels like.Some stories I can't reply to instantly because I have to process what is going on and try to truly understand the situation as best I can.I will reply in depth later and NEVER do you need to apologize for writing in length, the more we read the more we can offer as far as encouragement and support and advice.I will leave this with a little about my struggles...below is my story so you can know a bit about what I've been through. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS

    This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you
    deanokat likes this.
  4. Xtrm

    Xtrm Member

    Thanks mate. Feels good to open up about a bit. Putting it on paper, communicating it and reading stories like yours is already helping me to understand what I went through/going through.

    I'd actually read a few of your posts already. Good on you for taking the time to respond to and help so many people. That's using your addiction for the win!

    How's the surgery coming along? Stay strong mate. Especially post op, that's your time to shine. Fresh out from a refurb ;)
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  5. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    You're welcome my friend, when I first started this journey I was completely locked inside my own mind,trying to understand why.I was at my breaking point,I was convinced I was to live a life of hurt and misery...and then just like you I threw it down here on this site and thought I had made yet another poor decision and what I actually received was life changing. Slowly the more I shared,the more I read,the more I started to feel,talk,and see hope,away towards change and I haven't shut up since.

    "Using my addiction for the win"
    I fell asleep last night and these word's played like a broken record in my head until about 2a.m. my time and I had to get out of bed.I have never looked at it in this way and I assume I couldn't considering the emotional and physical impact it's had on my life,however as I sit here typing I believe I understand what that mean's. I took my nightmares, my pain,my failures and yes I decided if I can help other's in some way with my agony,if I could help someone who is where I once was in life then it was the human thing to do,give back,care for other's instead of and open eye's in hope's that maybe just maybe I could help other's start their journey to recovery,in this way I guess I can call it a win.

    "How's the surgery coming along?"
    Well the past few day's I have been feeling like I'm nearly 100% but in reality I know I'm 80% at best but I have finally eliminated prescribed pain meds completely, I haven't been on them daily for awhile but for the past month I have needed 1 or 2 every 2nd or 3rd day so I guess it's going well, I won't really know until I hit the treadmill again which is how I blew my knee out the first time but instead of letting my addiction destroy me in substances I guess I've decided if I'm to cause my self any sort of pain I will do it trying to better myself and of course the intention is to not hurt myself and if it does happen again at least I can still look myself in the mirror and stand my own reflection, so I guess in away that too is a win.Stay Strong My Friend We Are Here For You.Have a blessed day
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  6. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Hello there. Welcome. Thank you for sharing an extended version of your story in this thread. I think it's wonderful that you were able to get off Xanax. I'm sure it was hell going through that and still sounds like it is at times. I know this recovery thing is something that you feel you must do alone, but sometimes there is Great Value in having a supportive Network. And working with an addiction specialist could really be beneficial. Someone who will help you when it comes to what's going on with the brain and how to rewire it. Sure it's been through a lot, but the brain is an incredible organ and quite resilient.

    Perhaps looking at this through a holistic lens and going at your recovery from a mind, body, spirit perspective. I'm wondering if you've ever gone through a period off therapy? A good therapist that will help you dig down to the very roots of why you even started on this road. Or perhaps your intense desire for thrill. Just someone who will help you uncover layers and deal with any roots or weeds that might be trying to spring up to choke again. Just a thought.

    We are definitely support and encourage you however we can. Super glad you're here reaching out.
    deanokat, True concern and Xtrm like this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I replied to a post you made in another thread, @Xtrm. So please look for that. I just want you to know that I'm proud of you for getting off the Xanax. Benzos are awful, awful drugs.

    We're here for you anytime you need us. For help, support, advice, encouragement, or just to chat. We care and we'll listen, always without judgment. Welcome aboard and thanks for sharing. I hope to see you around here going forward.
  8. Xtrm

    Xtrm Member

    Thanks. I've got an appointment today with a GP to get a referral to an addiction specialist. I've never been through any therapy. I've always considered it too much of a risk (yep, I see the irony).

    Uncovering the layers and digging to the roots scares the **** out of me, I like the no till approach. Haha just top dress the mind with various ammendments. A quak will run a plough through it.
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  9. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    The situation is not a funny one...however the way you described this particular post does have a humorous side:confused::eek:o_O
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  10. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Xtrm you have a way with words... i love it!

    also, yay about seeing a therapist. i know digging to face our "stuff" is scary, but if you really think about it, it's not scary..... but liberating. face it head on. your ego won't like it... but your soul will.
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  11. Xtrm

    Xtrm Member

    "Using my addiction for the win". Yep, you got it mate, can probably be interpreted many ways now I think about it. Do same with your knee. Eg. Shoulder surgery has pushed me to build strength.

    Yepyep. Fun n games ahead. No idea what to expect. I didn't ever picture myself here. I always wanted to be an astronaut or a dinosaur when I grew up.
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  12. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Don't give up on that dinosaur dream,I always wanted to be a 1970 Hemi Cuda lol,never made it there but I've built 4
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  13. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I still don't know what I wanna be when I grow up. *sigh* :(
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  14. Xtrm

    Xtrm Member

    Pointless. Went to see doc. Mostly questioning the zoning out / how long can symptoms last. Didn't get much of an answer. He questioned where I got the xanax like he was a cop. Then offered scripts for another Benzo. Dafuq. Didn't take it. Doctors aren't for me. Don't know what I was thinking. I've come this far. I'll just keep punching through to the other side
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  15. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    You got this my friend we all believe in you
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  16. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Lol.i know...A fantastic mentor and life guidance specialist
    deanokat likes this.
  17. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    Some doctors don't get it... you're right. Some do. An addiction specialist or therapist may be helpful... :) Symptoms vary from person to person... just know they're not forever.... feed your mind positive, encouraging things... go at it holistically, mind, body, spirit.... and know we're here!
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