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A Father Lost in His Drink

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by TXgirlNCworld, Nov 25, 2014.

  1. TXgirlNCworld

    TXgirlNCworld Member

    I feel like every since I was a child, my father has been lost. I know growing up he saw and went through some tough times, but to carry it through your whole life and let it destroy you and your family....breaks my heart. For as long as I can remember, my father has put the responsbility of helping his addiction all on me. It is as if he thinks I can heal him. It is not fair for someone to hold that against you in life. We have been through some really bad times and he had been an abusive father...but to put the weight of the world on your daughters really is not fair. My question is what can you do and how do you deal with something like this. I have tried to get him help for years and tried to lead him down the right path, but it all ends back up with a 3 am completely drunk phone call about how he gave in. What can a daughter do for her father, for her own mind, heart, and soul?
  2. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    The most important thing is being there for your father. Because he believe you can help overcome his addiction then you have no choice but to be his "anchor." Support in all ways you can. That in itself may not get him to stop drinking but because he trusts you can help him then I believe that if you tried real hard, you could get him to check himself into an alcohol rehab center. Maybe that could help.
  3. notodrugs

    notodrugs Community Listener Community Listener

    Hi TXgirlNCworld. Have you tried referring him to a rehab or an addiction support group? If you haven't yet, maybe you can give it a try. Talk to him about it. Tell him it will be beneficial for both of you. Directly inform him you cannot be solely responsible for his recovery, As a matter of fact, he is the one truly accountable for his own welfare. If he decides to stop, only he can will it. Nobody else can, not even you.

    You are right to say it is unfair for him to put the blame and the burden of his recovery on you. It is good that you know that before you get crazy with guilt feelings. So maybe, for now, the best that you can do for him is to refer him to a rehab or support group program. But talk to him about it first. Tell him it may help him to get over his addiction when he cooperates and resolves first that he wants to stop. Then you can give him your moral support. But he has to be the one to DO IT.
  4. maryannballeras

    maryannballeras Senior Contributor

    This is a really tough situation that you are in right now. You can help him as much as you can but it might be in vain if he doesn't want to help himself at all. Do you often talk to each other? I mean, like talking about reasons as to why he needed to drink alcohol. Maybe he's trying to drown some odd feeling inside him.
  5. GenevB

    GenevB Community Champion

    My feelings are mixed about this, depends on how much are you going to struggle and if it's worth it. If you tried everything, then maybe you should take him when he's sober to a discussion, and explain why you won't help him anymore, and you will take care of your own life. If he begs you to not let him on his own, then maybe there is still another chance, you can propose one last try, after that you're gone.
  6. Recovery101

    Recovery101 Member

    You are in a difficult position. It is hard when you love someone as close as parent who is suffering from an addiction. The fact is though it would be wonderful for you to be with him for the long haul, you need to consider whether or not your over supportive attitude may be contributing to his addiction. It's time for you dad to choose.
  7. TXgirlNCworld

    TXgirlNCworld Member

    Thank you everyone for your responses! The thing is I have kind of broke the connection between us a few years ago when I was in a really hard place in life, because it was the best thing for me at that point, but when I did talk to him (which is like less than 3 times a year) the conversation leads to him needing me to be the reason why he stops drinking.

    It is kind of frustrating after having to tell him I have done everything I can, it is all in his hands now. But when I tell him that he guilt trips me in to believing that he is going to leave this Earth without ever seeing me again. He is sick and it sucks, it is hard to deal with it, so most of the time I don't.
  8. notodrugs

    notodrugs Community Listener Community Listener

    But when he does see you, will he stop?? Or have you tried seeing him? If you have and he didn't even try to stop at all, then he must be bluffing. Try to constantly call him up just to make him see and let him know you care. But the burden of changing, make sure you tell him this, lies on HIS will power. It is HIS choice, HIS decision.

    I know it is really difficult. But look at it TXgirlNCworld as a case that you can detach yourself from when the going gets too much for you to handle. You know how when you tell off somebody to get a grip of their lives, but after the scolding, you get on with your own unscathed? If you can, go for it. And if you believe in God, pray for his enlightenment and healing. Prayers do not fail.
  9. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    I don't think there is a magic solution here because as you might already know, only he himself probably can solve his own problems now, and the fact that he puts it on you is probably just an excuse. As the best course of action I would just recommend for him to find a personal psychiatrist so he can figure out what makes him act the way he does. I think this is a good option to treatment because it might take some one on one work before he can finally realize enough of himself to find a treatment center or group.
  10. jeremy2

    jeremy2 Community Champion

    I really feel for you.It can be hard for you for someone to let you shoulder their burden more so your dad.I feel like you have done enough already but what you do right now is let him have a shoulder to lean on.I believe there's isn't much you can do other than show him a little compassion and love.
  11. Clair

    Clair Member

    I am in a similar situation and it is very hard to do anything at all especially when they don't want to help themselves. My dad was lost to alcohol and drugs he wasn't really there for my teenage years and now he wants to make up for lost time. I have a daughter and two nephews he always uses them as an excuse to drink. If we didn't visit him that day he gets mad, we have been there the whole day sometimes and that is still his excuse. I have decided to motivate him by limiting visitation with his granddaughter so far we have been blessed and he is doing much better. Don't give up on him its hard but when he sees how much you care it will make some kind of a difference. Good luck.
  12. c9h2ua

    c9h2ua Member

    It is a really hard situation, because that is your father. Try to show him your care and love, that may helps him to stay away from alcohol. Although it seems to be a stupid way, love always affect others by changing their minds and valves. Be strong!! Although he didn't do a good job as a father, please forgive him because he is your father, who is not going to be changed!
  13. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Your Dad calls you at 3 am drunk and back to the old tricks. I guess there is a point when you have to walk away from it. I don't know what to say. The abuse I have dealt with from my parents. I just recently pointed out to my Mom that her and my Dad have a prescription drug/alcohol problem. Of course she swears there is no problem as they continue. Seems like since I said something they are drinking even more. Sad when you realize they are acting like losers. What they don't realize is the abuse and carelessness does a ton of damage to those around them. It is just a basic low mentality and self-centeredness. There is an opposite effect with people like this. Like maybe if you tell them to continue it's good for them. It won't hurt you. I like you this way or something like that. Sad but it is an immaturity.
  14. rga1999

    rga1999 Member

    Hi TXgirlNCworld, I have dealt with family members and drinking first hand. The most common concern for me was when do I say enough is enough. After a while you find yourself lost and putting in more effort than the person with the issue. Everyone needs a support system, even the person who is doing the primary support giving. Continue to be there for him as much as you can, but also make sure you have people who support you as well. He has to have someone to talk to who won't judge him, but wont let him get away with the foolishness. Continue to be strong!
  15. Nichole W.

    Nichole W. Member

    I am so sorry. And I completely understand. I'm in a similar position, my father has hopped on and off the sober bandwagon for years. I recently moved out, but my younger siblings are still at home. They keep wanting me to come back for an intervention but it's so exhausting, and it never leads anywhere.

    Have you thought about getting help for yourself at all? Being the child of an alcoholic is stressful, and can lead to it's own issues. (I never drink because I'll end up like him.) Make sure you take care of yourself first. Whether that's yoga, or church, or a support group with other ACOA.
  16. Twinsmommy31

    Twinsmommy31 Active Contributor

    I am sorry that your Dad is going through this. I am also going through a similar position with my dad. He was always drinking when I was a kid,always had it hidden in the car and it always made him act differently. I really don't know how my mother dealt with him. He would get in car accidents and lie about what happened. The latest escapade left him with a DWI and a wrecked car. I fear he will kill himself or someone else. It is a surprise he is still alive. This is over 30 years of volatile actions. Once day the time will come for him to make a decision; to live or not to live.
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2015
  17. light

    light Active Contributor

    Don’t blame yourself because your father is using the excuse that is your responsibility to make him sober again. But please don’t abandon him. Ask for help to rehabilitation center or recovery groups and make sure your father goes there, by accompanying him. I know you love him a lot and I know you are hurt but you have only a father and meanwhile he is alive then this is a blessing for you so do all what you can. It would be good if you invite him to live with you and do a bunch of activities together. Your absence in his life makes things worse for him. It would be good for him to exercise a lot when his mind reminds him about alcohol.
  18. Whiskers

    Whiskers Active Contributor

    @TXgirlNCworld I know how that feels. It does something for a girl to watch the one man she loves most go and make a mess of his life. I hated this with my father but at some point realized I could do little to change things. From then I made up my mind to accept him for who he is and support him when I could. I have had to live with feelings of insecurity brought about by his habit to this day.
  19. tasha

    tasha Community Listener Community Listener

    It is sad and really difficult to go through life with all the burdens that have been dished out in our lives. To change our lives we need to ensure that if your life is not the way that you need it to be then you have to take a stand and move away from what is eating you up inside.
    deanokat likes this.