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A girlfriend looking for advice

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Lovehurts, Sep 25, 2018.

  1. Lovehurts

    Lovehurts Member

    my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. When we first started talking he told me about him being on suboxone because he used to be addicted to drugs. He said he didn’t do them anymore though and had to get drug tests done weekly when he picked up his subboxone. I said well I haven’t so much as smoked weed since I was 16 so you have no worries about me pressuring you to do any. Things started off amazing like they normally do. We started living together two months after dating and again everything was going great. I worked shift work so a lot of weekends he would want to hangout with his friends while I’m at work which was fine with me. If I got off at 11pm I would offer to pick him up if he has been drinking and he always said it was ok he’d take a cab so I didn’t have to wait up till he was ready. For months it was always “I’m on my way”, “one more beer”, “just finishing this game of darts” over and over and then he would show up hours and hours later. I trusted he wasn’t doing drugs even though he was staying up so late just because I knew if his doctor was drug testing him and thought he had a problem he would have to go back daily to pick up his subboxone so I was like okay so him and the boys just get carried away every time they drink. I told him to stop saying he was on his way until he was legit in his cab. One night he met me at my friends house and I noticed white all around his nose. He assured me it was the first time since we met but how could I trust that. I felt so sick to my stomach but took his word it wouldn’t happen again. A few weekends passed and he said he was going to have some drinks at his friends. That night he told me he was on his way home maybe three times from a small town just outside of our city about 25 min drive, a few hours passed and I said what the heck?, then around 2am tells me he is in a different town which was 45 mins away. I lost my ****. Not only was he drinking and driving now he was lying to me a whole lot. Said he was too drunk to drive and he’d be home in the morning. The next day he tells me he is going to some festival in another small town about 20 mins away from my city. He didn’t. He didn’t come home that night either. I find out he’s been on a weekend binger doing coke all weekend and partying and the whole time lying right to me. I was torn. I felt so hurt. I wanted to stab him. He came home and apologized and I forgave him but told him that was the last time. I know the amount of times I caught him couldn’t of been the only time. I know he was lying to me a lot but I didn’t know what to do I loved him. He promised me he wouldn’t do it again, he swore. Like an idiot I believed him. Months and months went on and I can’t tell you how many times he did coke but I know I will never know. Just so much lies. Last weekend we were at a wedding. After the wedding we had to head to his brother and sisters birthday bash so we stopped at home and got changed. He said the neighbor was gonna come over and have a beer. I went in the house to lock up while they stayed in the garage. The cab came to get us and he said go out there and make sure it doesn’t leave while we finish our beers. Well they brought their open beers in the cab a few mins later so you’d think that would be a hint to me but no I was oblivious. We get back home after the party and go in the garage where I find a $20 bill under the bar on the shelf. Again a hint I didn’t even notice. Then I see it. White all over the top of a case of nails. I pulled it out and put it right on the bar where my boyfriend looked me right in the face and said it wasn’t his. My rage. I didn’t believe him I got so mad. I went in the house where he came in after me and he said I swear it isn’t mine and I said I don’t even care how disrespectful to have it at our home knowing I don’t approve. He said well it’s my house (because my credit was bad so the mortgage had to go in his name but I still pay for half of everything) and said if I let my friends do it here they can. I wanted to pack my **** right then but I had been drinking and had no where to go. I haven’t mentioned yet but I also have a daughter and she wasn’t there but had she been I would of probably stabbed him because it was within reach of her. Anyways so he stayed up with his friends till 8am in the garage while I was inside. Once they came inside I went out there and seen it was gone. He did it I knew it because the friend he blamed it on had already left. I went out and got a drug test and when he woke up he admitted it. He said there’s no point taking it because it would be positive. Now when he is sober he is the most amazing guy and most amazing step dad but when he drinks he can’t say no. He has no self control. He doesn’t know his limits. He Tells me it’s a social thing everyone does it and he doesn’t have a problem. I don’t care what everyone else does I don’t approve. He keeps saying he’ll never do it again when I catch him and I don’t know I just feel like an idiot. And if I stay I’m saying it’s ok. But like I said he’s an amazing person sober which is 99% of the time. I don’t know what to do. Am I just going to keep being hurt and disappointed or is there hope that maybe he will just stop. Maybe now that he knows I will drug test him?
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lovehurts... Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing with us. I'm very sorry to hear about the situation you're going through with your boyfriend. Unfortunately, loving someone who struggles with addiction can be one of the most challenging things a person can do. I'm sure you've already figured that out.

    No matter what your boyfriend says, doing cocaine is not a "social thing." And if he's had addiction issues in the past, chances are very good that he's in the midst of a cocaine addiction...or soon will be. It also sounds like he has a problem with alcohol. Yes, he may be an amazing person when he's sober, but the likelihood of him just stopping his drug use because he knows you'll drug test him are probably slim and none.

    If you don't approve of his cocaine use, or of him letting others use cocaine on your property, but he continues to do it anyway, then you have to think long and hard about this relationship. If he knows you don't like something, but does it anyway, what does that show you about his respect for you?

    Even if he were to stop using cocaine, there's still the drinking to deal with, too.

    I think the best thing you can do is to sit down with him while he's sober and have a heart-to-heart conversation with him. Tell him how you feel, how his drug use and excessive drinking make you feel, what you want your relationship to be like, what kind of environment you want to raise your daughter in, etc. It is perfectly acceptable for you to establish boundaries in your relationship (example: no cocaine use...period) based on what you want out of it. And if you set boundaries and he doesn't respect them, then you have to make some tough decisions.

    Seeing an addiction specialist would probably be a great thing for your boyfriend. But that's only going to work if he wants to change. If he doesn't want to change, then your hands are kind of tied. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us that we didn't cause our loved one's addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. No matter how badly we want to "fix" our loved one, we can't. They have to do that.

    We're here to help, support, and listen to you. You are not alone and you can come here and post anytime. I know love is a powerful thing, but you have to remember that YOUR life matters, too. And your daughter's life. You didn't say how old your daughter is, but it doesn't really matter; being in a house where drug use and excessive drinking are going on is not a good environment for her.

    I'm sending you love, hugs, and hope. Take care of yourself and your daughter. You both deserve to be as happy as you can possibly be, both physically and mentally.
    Dominica likes this.
  3. Lovehurts

    Lovehurts Member

    Is it possible that he actually means that he could care less about doing it when he’s sober and he actually means it when he promises he won’t anymore and that just the drinking makes him not give a ****? Or do you think it’s more of a “I’ll just keeping lying till I get caught” and says it without any intention of staying true to it? Because I will babysit him. I wrote out a whole list of conditions and handed it to him yesterday and he agreed if I’m going to stay he will do those things. So some of the things are telling his friends do not even offer it to me and to respect that we don’t want it at our house and that when I say it’s time for him to shut it down, it’s time to shut it down. And all the things I said he soberly agrees to do and I am willing to stick around and help him stay on track if that’s truly what he wants but since he’s already broken my trust it’s so hard to know if that is actually what he wants or if he’s just saying it. Ugh I’m so torn
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Lovehurts

    Hey there. Thank you for reaching out. Dean has already given you some great insight and advice. It's really tough for us to guess what his intentions are or what he's capable of doing. He could simply be struggling with addiction, which means that he may want to stay sober and clean, but can't. Oftentimes, an addict will need help from an addiction specialist to learn about addiction and Recovery. Learn how to live life on life's terms without drinking or drugging, not to mention dealing with any emotional or unresolved issues from the past. It's a process.

    He also could just be in the wild phase still. Not ready to settle down into a sober life so to speak. It's really tough to tell.

    I'm glad that you let him know your wants and your needs. Are you prepared to follow up with consequences if he breaks your boundaries? What are your deal breakers? Does he know the deal breakers? There's so much more to a relationship than just feeling like you love each other. And you deserve to have a peaceful home and be alright with expressing your wants and needs not just for yourself but for your daughter as well.

    One thing is for sure, time will tell. This might be a week or a month or a couple months, but you begin to see if he's really making the effort towards staying sober and working on taking full responsibility for his life. Try not to enable him and if you need support, keep reaching out for support for yourself. And know that we're definitely here to help as we can.
    deanokat likes this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    It's hard to say, @Lovehurts. But I think what you suggest might be the case. Once that alcohol gets in him, he may just say "WTF?!" and not care anymore. It sounds to me like he should really be off of all substances, including alcohol. An addict who quits using some drugs but still drinks heavily is still an addict.
    Dominica likes this.
  6. Lovehurts

    Lovehurts Member

    And that’s exactly it. He will 100% go without both all week. If anything like one beer or ceaser when we go out for dinner. When he is with me, we can sit in the garage or have a fire and have some drinks and I have no issues. As soon as his friends come around though he is a different person and all his cares go out the window. They stay up all night drinking and he says I’m being controlling if I remind him he was going to take it easy but then they get in his head and tell him to be a man and put his foot down. Even his own parents think he should be able to party if he wants. They all enable it which makes it so hard for me to help but his parents would never offer him coke or approve of it where as his friends are doing it and offering it and because he’s drunk he doesn’t have self control. He agreed to let me “babysit” him and to tell his friends to no longer offer it and if they do to cut them out of his life but these are all the things he says he’ll do and then when he starts drinking get in the “I don’t give a ****” mood and ya it’s really at my breaking point because for days I’m a mess mentally emotionally and physically and like I said I have a daughter that I need to be there for and I need to be in the moment with her not spaced off worrying and replaying all the bullshit over and over in my mind. He has cut certain friends out in the past because I said I don’t think they have your best interest in mind and he is human he is going to make mistakes but I just don’t want it to continuously be this same thing over and over. It’s very confusing and I honestly don’t know what to think or say or do. I feel like giving him these boundaries and telling him if he crosses them I’m out is almost that ultimatum thing that almost makes people do the opposite of what you ask and rebel but then again he did agree to it so it’s just a time will tell thing then and I just have to have faith for now.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Lovehurts

    It's perfectly fine to have boundaries in any relationship. Take some time to think about what your boundaries are. What do you want your relationship to look like? What kind of friends do you want individually and together? Do you want your boyfriend to cut all substances? I think friendships are important, but they do tend to have an incredible influence on our lives. I know you care about him and you want this to work. It does sound like he's in party mode when he's with his friends. And if this is something that you don't want in your life, you may have some big decisions to make. And it's okay to have such requests... Not easy, for sure.... but possible.

    One thing is for sure, you're not alone and many others are in similar situations. I hope you can gain some clarity and peace of mind..for you and your child....
    deanokat likes this.
  8. Lovehurts

    Lovehurts Member

    I just listened to a great podcast from the betrayed, the addicted & the expert. Lots about boundaries called how and why the addict breaks boundaries. Very eye opening. My boyfriend has agreed to listen to it as well and to revise my “conditions” list.
    I had said if I ever caught him again I’d leave. I feel like an idiot for not leaving and feel like he’ll just keep doing it because he knows I’ll forgive. When he had said he hopes I change my mind and he wants to work on himself I made a condition list. I’ll stay and work on it with you as a team if you follow these rules you could call them. So this podcast helped me realize I can’t set out “rules”. So together we are going to listen to this podcast and then write out our boundaries tonight and make it well known what the consequences will be.
    Dominica likes this.
  9. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Sounds like a good plan, @Lovehurts. And yes, if you set a boundary and don't stick to it, it shows the addict that you are weak and can be manipulated. That's why it's so important to be ready to do what you say you'll do if he uses again.

    Working on this together is a great approach. I hope you guys can work things out. And I hope your boyfriend can find recovery.

    One last thing... If you have a link to that podcast, I'd love to check it out.

    Sending you lots of hope today!
    Dominica likes this.
  10. Lovehurts

    Lovehurts Member

  11. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

  12. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Lovehurts This is wonderful news and thank you so much for sharing that link. I will try to check that out later. I'm super glad that your boyfriend has agreed to listen to it. I'm excited to see how your boundary setting goes. What an inspiration to others!
    deanokat likes this.
  13. Lovehurts

    Lovehurts Member

    Well it was getting better until around dinner time. He had mailed a cheque out a few weeks ago and it got lost in the mail so he was trying to go online to cancel it before he submitted another one. His computer wasn’t working so I offered to do it at work. He replied with “why so you can creep on my banking?” Immediately I got upset and said “oh is there something I shouldn’t see on there?” He assured me there wasn’t. We carried on our night and went to bed. At 4am his phone starts going off. Text, text, text. I get up and look at it and it is his friend sending him $500 saying sorry it took so long here’s another $500. We’re not well off and $500 is a lot to us. He thinks because he lent it and not gave it to him and because his friend paid him back means that he shouldn’t be in trouble. I feel like if I were to do that and didn’t tell him ahead of time he would lose it. So I get up and cause a stink obviously and he moves to the couch to try and get some sleep saying we can talk about it tomorrow. I can’t sleep until I resolve issues so the fact he can just go to bed so easily pisses me off. He really doesn’t seem to care at all about me. I mentioned in our fight he could give me that $500 for first and last rent at a new place where then he said actually you owe me $250 for the mortgage payment that just came out. I’m sorry but I’m not paying a dime if I don’t even know if I can fix this relationship.
  14. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Lovehurts so sorry you're having to go through this.... i hope you two can resolve this today.. have a real heart-to-heart about everything.....
    deanokat likes this.
  15. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lovehurts... It definitely sounds like your boyfriend is still deceiving you, and that's not a good thing in any relationship. He's affecting your emotional and physical health (not being able to keep a normal sleep schedule). He's taking risks with your finances. I think you have to sit down with him and set those boundaries/consequences ASAP.

    Sending you hugs.
    Dominica likes this.
  16. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Lovehurts First let me start by saying Wholyshit!!No disrespect intended.So I have struggled for a lifetime with addiction, lost my wife,kids,home,self respect,confidence, etc but the people of this site,the 2 mainly responding to you are both amazing people and when I first got here I had "ZERO"hope,I was done one last ride away from death which unfortunately and disgustingly I use to chase and mock and get pissed off when I would live,truly just awful sh×t.I don't know you but I was going to make a thread called "love tortures"This morning but we'll no need now.Sorry I'm just rambling but I will tell you here when I first got here I got sober for 7.5 months,longest ever and then recently I fuc*ed it up,a very short relapse like 1 day but still I must start over but here's the point.I am a person who can stay sober however if you give me 1 beer hold on because before the nights over I will have a needle in my arm and 20 pills in my body and that one beer is always to many and 30 are never enough. I think you have a man like this and 20 year's is what my wife went through, and I hurt terribly for that.....Dont lose your life for anyone.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  17. Lovehurts

    Lovehurts Member

    Thank you for your comment. I agree that I also have a life and I shouldn’t live unhappily just because someone else can’t help themselves after they have a drink. Even myself, I started smoking when I was 11. I quit when I was 24 and had my daughter. That’s a pretty long time to smoke and hard to break that habit. Soberly I would never try it again. I love not needing to smoke before and after every single thing I do however you put a few drinks in me and someone I smoking near me, well then I might sneak a puff. Which is why I tell him if he really wants to stop his “occasional social use” of cocaine, he needs to stay away from people who are doing it. Make it known to people you no longer want to be asked. The people who love you will respect that and the others well they aren’t really your friends. Now I get smoking and drug use are different however it’s the same idea, soberly we all set these boundaries for ourselves and then after a drink or two we can’t stick to our own morals. It’s crazy however also not an excuse. I am a drinker, I like a few beers after work, I like ordering a rum and diet at the restaurant, I like going to parties and getting hammered, I like drinking but for the most part I can had self control I know when it’s time to shut it down and he on the other hand just can’t. The amount of times he comes home at 6am after drinking is insane. Now I’m rambling but my point is I know that he loses his self values when he drinks but I think it’s more about the environment and who he is with and if they are doing the things he’s promised he wouldn’t.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  18. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Environment plays a role no doubt, I was strong into almost 8 month's sober and watching a family member fresh out of jail be on meth every day,we'll over time it broke me I'm looking for away out of this house now,upcoming surgery is slowing the process but as soon as I can walk we'll again I'm out of here.I WANT MY LIFE BACK...PERIOD.TAKE CARE
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  19. Lovehurts

    Lovehurts Member

    Good luck and I wish you all the best!
    True concern, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  20. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Hey, @Lovehurts... Let us know how things are going today. Happy Friday. I hope your weekend is a good one.
    True concern and Dominica like this.