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A girlfriend looking for advice

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Lovehurts, Sep 25, 2018.

  1. Lovehurts

    Lovehurts Member

    First of all thank you for reaching out. It makes me feel like people actually care.
    I’ve been reading all kinds of posts and things on google and listening to podcasts and all these stories are so insane that I feel bad for complaining about what I’m going through because I feel like other people are going through so much worse. But then I realize if we don’t fix it when it’s at this point then we will eventually get to those real rock bottom points and no matter what stage of the process people are in it is important to talk about it and start working towards the best life.

    We haven’t followed through on all the “we’re going to listen to podcasts together and write out our emotions” all those things just yet because by the time my daughter goes to bed, we’re exhausted as well so I do hope this weekend we can do a lot of connection and discussing everything while my daughter is at the zoo with her aunt. From day one we both have agreed we don’t ever want to fight in front of her and even though we are supposed to be sitting down and talking, just in case emotions get the best of us and it turns into an argument we don’t want to do it with her there.

    Another good thing happened though. The neighbour asked my boyfriend to go have a beer last night and my boyfriend declined and said he was taking it easy. He told him tomorrow (so today) after work they could have a beer or two. First of all, normally, he wouldn’t of even told me that he was planning on having drinks with anyone. It’s always a last min thing so the fact he told me ahead of time I was ok with. He also knows I will be there as well as my daughter so I do trust he won’t do coke. He also told me he is going to tell the neighbour no more. I said it’s fine if you want to blame me so you can still seem “cool” or whatever. I don’t mind if I come off the “loser stuck up mature adult” because that is me and I don’t try and be ok with anything that I am not. So he is going to tell him not only he’s done doing it so don’t offer it to him but it’s no longer welcome on our property either. He lives across the street so he can go there and do it.

    Today is also my sister and brother in laws birthday who live about 40 mins from us so we are going to celebrate with them tomorrow and he offered to be the DD He is showing that this is what he wants and he is a very strong willed person (when he is sober) and I do truly believe if he cuts certain people out of his life and makes it well known to his “friends” not to even ask him to do it or let him know when they are, I think he can stay off coke for good. Only time will tell.

    Again thank you for checking in! It’s really hard to talk to my friends about it because they are only looking out for the best and tell me “you said if he did it again you were done” and I think I just need other ideas of consequences other than just leaving.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    You're very welcome, @Lovehurts. I hope you have a great weekend. It's great that he offered to be the designated driver tomorrow. That's huge. I love progress!

    We're always here if you need us.
    True concern likes this.
  3. Lovehurts

    Lovehurts Member

    Well it’s been a crappy weekend. We went out for dinner and when we got home he went to hangout in the garage. He had said he was going to go through some of the things we still haven’t unpacked from the move and came in at 11. When I had asked him about it he said here we go the nagging again. Like I’m sorry that when you say you’re gonna do something I hold you to it? So anyways it turned into an argument and he said my “conditions” are ridiculous and pretty much he had no intentions of dealing with it and I hold him on too tight of a leash and all his friends agree. I can see now how computers he really was to the whole idea. He may have meant he wants to change in terms of no longer doing coke but that still doesn’t mean he wants to stay true to his word when he says he’s going to do something. We argued pretty badly in circles and I feel bad because my daughter is just sleeping. I started packing my bags. We have so much stuff it nearly seems impossible. When I was crying he made a comment about how he can’t stand that sound and not in a “please don’t cry it makes me sad that you’re sad” kind of tone. I hate this feeling so much. Feeling like I mean nothing. Like I was just being dragged along for no reason. For him to pretend he’s gonna try and have an honest relationship and be a family man. It’s so hard. I just wanna put my daughter in the car and leave but it’s nearly 1am and he would have to drive like 40 mins to get to a friends or family members. He’s on the couch and I’m in the bedroom now and we’re calm so it is safe to stay but I feel if I don’t leave while I’m this angry we will prolly talk calmly in the morning and the circle will continue. Why is life so hard ?
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lovehurts... I'm sorry to hear about your weekend. How are things now? Are you still thinking of leaving? I am not an expert on relationships, but I think it would probably be a good thing for you and your daughter to get away, at least for a while. Unfortunately, addicts frequently say they'll do one thing and then do another. It's all part of keeping their loved one "happy" while they continue to do what makes them happy. It can very often seem like a never ending merry-go-round ride.

    It sounds like he has a long way to go still. And it's not fair that you and your daughter have to be a part of this drama. YOUR lives are the most important ones. YOUR lives are the only ones you have control over. His life is his, and he's in control of it. So if he's living it in a manner that is unacceptable to you, you have to decide when enough is enough.

    Sending you love, light, and hugs today.
  5. Lovehurts

    Lovehurts Member

    Update.
    He said he couldn’t come to my sisters birthday yesterday because he had an ear ache. He said he was gonna stay in and relax. I ended up driving home after the party to find him and his friends doing coke in the garage. Obviously I lost it. I went in the house and destroyed it. Holes in the walls and threw everything around. Slept it off and then this morning we fought some more. It got bad and he called the cops. He was acting as if he had done nothing wrong and didn’t provoke me at all I’m just crazy. So I left again and I’m now at my friends. I guess today I will be deciding where to put her in school now that she will be living in a different town and figuring everything out. I am just so lost. I wish so badly he could of just said no to drugs and meant it.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    So sorry, @Lovehurts. It's obvious that he cares more about the coke than he does about you and your relationship. That's sad, but it's not uncommon for addicts. They are so hooked on a substance that they put it at the top of their priority list. It's all that matters to them. They can have all kinds of good things and people in their life, but they choose to focus on the substance that has control of them.

    My heart breaks for you. But I think getting away from this guy is probably the best thing for you and your daughter. You deserve so much better. And there really aren't any signs that things are going to improve.

    Keeping you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers. Be kind to her and yourself today. You both are entitled to a calm, peaceful, drama-free day.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Some of us truly do change and can change, I'm talking about "Addicts"when I say us but @deanokat is correct some of us ,myself included must lose absolutely everything before we start to understand and usually at least for myself when my wife kicked me out and my family turned their back,"Which was absolutely necessary "or I would have probably never choose to fight for normality, but anyways usually a Major Self Destruct mode kicks in,for me I chased death for 2 year's straight.....but here's the thing regardless of how scary that scenario is the fact is We Won't Change Without Feeling True Loss,I lost them all yes and though it hurts to admit I can look in on them from the outside now and say with all honesty....They are better off without me.Ya it hurts to admit but my live for them is real so at least my shitty ways impact them no more.We can change but it's a question we must ask ourselves honestly "WHO ARE WE GONNA MISS MORE?"our families or our friend's. The answer is obvious but it's not obviously seen.Stay Strong and God Bless You
    Lostboy8731, Dominica and deanokat like this.
  8. Lovehurts

    Lovehurts Member

    I am still so torn on what to do. I have friends who do coke here and there and it really is just an occasional thing for them. For me though, even though he doesn’t think it’s a problem and thinks he’s just one of those occasional people, I feel like it is a problem because he will feel guilty about doing it, say he never will again, then does. And I don’t know if he will ever stop. He just says he will but if he doesn’t see a problem with it then how can I expect him to stop. The fact that my whole family and friends are in a different city and we had just moved there last month really sucks. The fact that my daughter was just enrolled in junior kindergarten there and getting adjusted but now we’re baxk in a different city about 40 mins away sucks. What if we take this little break a week or so and then he wants to work it out and do counselling? Am I supposed to put her in school her for a week then move her back? I am torn. I told him don’t give me hope if there is none and he said that’s what I’m trying not to do but right now I just need to work on myself. But who knows what the future holds only time will tell but in the meantime I can’t just have my daughter switching back and fourth so it really sucks
  9. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Lovehurts

    I would say no to the putting your daughter in school for a week and then moving her back. This shouldn't be about him and catering to his addiction or recovery. Do what's best for your daughter, and that at this point probably means cutting ties with this man. It's okay for you to have very firm boundaries surrounding this. There are millions of women out there who would say active addiction is a deal-breaker.. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts. Whether there's love or no love. Because signing on to live with an active addict who does not want to address it is signing up for emotional hell and instability. And you don't have to sign on for that. Trust that as you stand up for yourself and your daughter, god or the universe will stand up for you. That's you standing in your power and not giving your power away.

    Of course this is just my two cents. I agree with what @True concern says and that some addicts can and do change. But usually not without feeling a true loss or suffering harsh consequences. If your boyfriend isn't experiencing negative consequences for his actions, enough that prompts change, then chances are he's going to keep doing what he's doing. And you and your daughter are the ones who are going to suffer the most.

    I hope somehow this helps.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  10. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    He said everything you needed to hear when you said "Don't give me hope if there is none"From how it reads he said "I'm not you need to work on yourself "DO THAT!! and let your little girl live like a little girl not a ping pong ball,whatever your decision NOW in both your lives....That little girl takes priority.Work On You and him with your spare time because that little girl needs you FULL TIME
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  11. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    And yes damnit your name is very accurate Love does Hurt Sometimes A lot but There is also no stronger DRUG Than TRUE LOVE........Your Child is guaranteed to be a love so strong
    Lostboy8731, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Do what's best for your daughter, @Lovehurts. And for you. I think you know what that is; but I'm not sure you're ready to do it. Moving on isn't easy. But I'm pretty damn sure that once you do it you'll feel better, and that things will start to improve exponentially. You deserve better, my dear. So does your daughter.

    Big hugs to you. And her.
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  13. Lovehurts

    Lovehurts Member

    He says he wants to do couples counselling. Stay separated for now and do individual counselling work on ourselves then once we are ready we can do couples sessions. He promised me zero tolerance, even for his friends at the house. He says it’s just something people do at parties here and there but he 100% doesn’t have a problem with it and can cut it out of his life.

    Again this is something he has said before though so I’m still torn. I agreed we should do individual counselling for now and go from there. In the meantime I plan on putting my daughter in school back in my hometown and if in the future we do get back together, I drive here for work anyways.

    The trust is going to be the hardest part because it has been so broken but I am hoping for the best for all of us. We talked today and we both said perhaps spending our spare time working out, being active might be something to help us get our focus off of all the negativity in the meantime.

    I don’t know how long the counselling process takes and I’m sure it differs for everyone but it’s hard to really tell his commitment level. Like always only time will tell.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  14. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Your heart is so big and your soul is so forgiving and understanding, you are very compassionate and sincere and I pray nothing but good comes to your life.You are aware of the lies,broken promises,etc so you know what to look for and that is an advantage to you,I don't like to hear about a person constantly being hurt or let down it hurts my heart as I use to be a man who promised the world and my intentions were to be that man but my occasional drug use lasted about 20 year's straight so I'm now more mature and more in the real world about how these thing's usually go,however now I try to encourage, listen, advise,etc though I stumbled recently for a day I now feel true remorse and I only want to see this workout for you,though I don't know you personally I can feel your genuine struggle and your desire to understand as well as fix thing's. I personally don't have much to offer other than many stories and often times I can predict how an active addict will act because I spent most of my life as one so basically I will always be rooting for you and your family. If ever you seek honest advice I will always try my best to dig into my past to maybe explain certain aspects of how addicts think and often time's manipulate thing's, I've lost everything except my heart and soul and I just want to help other's as best I can. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  15. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Lovehurts

    I understand that it will be challenging to trust him. I think individual counseling can be great for you both right now. Do your best at focusing on your life and letting him focus on his. If y'all are meant to be, then perhaps this time apart working on yourselves individually will help lay a firm foundation. Also think it's a great idea to put your daughter in school in your hometown.

    Guard your heart and know that we're here to listen and encourage you anytime. I know it can be challenging, but I do believe you are stronger than you think. I believe that you'll be all right with or without him. Learning lessons all along the way. Sending you a big hug today!
    True concern likes this.
  16. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    It sounds like you guys have a plan, @Lovehurts. That's a good thing. I think giving the situation time will help you figure things out. You have to be okay with yourselves if you're going to be okay as a couple. Just remember to take good care of you and your daughter. That's the most important thing.

    @True concern is right: You have a big heart. Don't let anyone break it, okay?

    Sending love, light, hope, and hugs your way.
    True concern likes this.
  17. Aodafml2

    Aodafml2 Senior Contributor

    he sounds like me when I was younger...you should run..and dont look back. seriously
  18. Lovehurts

    Lovehurts Member

    Can you please explain more.

    Since the incident we have been working really hard at rebuilding the trust. We started couples counselling and things have been going well. I find it hard to believe it won’t happen again but I have high hopes. Are cocaine and opiates similar? He says he would never touch opiates again and anyone who does isn’t welcome at our house but somehow he’s ok with occasional cocoaine use. To me, it’s 100% not ok. My friends that do it are younger and single. Once you have a long term relationship and children involved I think the drugs should never be ok even if it is occasional.
    I experimented when I was younger for about a year or two when I was like 14-15. To me I just don’t get why adults would even risk it knowing the consequences. Like “fun” whatever but anyways you said that it sounds like you when you were younger. Could you please illaberate?
    deanokat likes this.
  19. Aodafml2

    Aodafml2 Senior Contributor

    sorry I dont have much time right now.
    I would go out, my girl would call, I'll be home in a bit. days later, sometimes weeks, I would weasel my way back to her.saying the same ****.love u, I promise, and wont do it anymore...till the next time and the time after that...and so on.....they say, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" ...(not callin u insane)..but I always thought my girl was....I hurt her so many times. thank God she got a bad memory

    when I was out or absent I was with other girls,, having a good time..i would tell my girl anything I could to stay longer...with who ever it was...of course she expected,, " **** that" she knew what was goin on...and me being drunk/high didnt want to listen to it...surely wasnt going home to fight..
    I would get sober, and be like what the **** am I doing??? look at the girls and make excuses to get away. funny thing was I'd lie to them too.."let's do somethin later" type ****..knowing I'd be at home. loving, and charishing my family..and I did...dont get me wrong..i love these people more than anything...that's the thing when i went back i could be sober and do the right things but it was a matter of time..i would get depressed lay around from all the guilt/shame that I was feeling, still feeling to this day 24 years later. yup. she stuck with me..I dont know why...I'm a cancer to her...always have been. but I love her like I said....

    Backtrack a bit...When I was at home I would still use opiates all and as many as I could she knew but turned the other cheek. until she didnt....she started gettin curious what the hype was about..,back when the original oxycontin was popular. so she tried it, fell in love with it....I am such an asshole for givin it to her or even bringing around..I am only saying this because she never would have done the ****... hated it Drugs dont discriminate
    I did the same thing with Blow now where partners...we got bad...fast ..it all started with an occasional weekend here n there...," I feel like I'm running of topic a little bit" so when we were doing good I wouldn't go out even drink much till fri. night..long durations of time would go by but I would do it again meet a girl disappear. sometimes a day usually a few. God....I'm an asshole.".sorry writing this is bringing buried emotion outta me" the last time I did this to her was 5 years ago with her friend...all summer... we were drinking budys... that's the other thing my girl dont drink,"thank god" she cant stand it...she knows it destroyed our lives...I HAVE NEVER been with another girl while sober. I hate myself for it..like I said....I cant speak for your boyfriend but if he says he loves you...he does. it's when we/me (alcoholics) drink ..then it's all about us/me self.

    So with that... it barely scratches the surface of the pain and heartbreak I AM. I didnt get into the H and now meth. But you can see how simple a unanswered phone call,, empty promises,not coming home,I love yous apologies drugs, can spiral outa control.. and before you know it ?????
    if I am way off I do apologize

    I just read ur post yesterday..and it sounded really similar...and by NO means am sayin or insinuating what your boyfriend does when hes out or think you'll both start using But I honestly wish she would have left me for the **** I put her through I'm to much of an infant to leave her. But I dont understand why she put up with it she hates me for sure..but I know there is love too. latley were just roommates the spark is over..alot of the reason I want to get sober is to start making it up to her..have fun and $$ thef fuckin $$ I dont even want to know.

    I hope things work out for you..if he is getting help and staying clean that's awsome. people can change..hope he does...if not, run and dont look back.....; )
    deanokat likes this.
  20. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Aodafml2 "I'm too much of an infant to leave her." "I wish she would have left me."

    Those are powerful statements..... Honest, and I hope they can help others reading this. Sometimes the loved ones of the addicts SHOULD leave..... for sure.... not always, but sometimes that's best for all involved.
    deanokat likes this.