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A year ago today

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by True concern, Nov 22, 2018.

  1. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Exactly 1 year ago today I started to see how deceptive, cunning, and destructive addiction had become in my life.On this day last year I didn't know what to do,how to live,or how to try...The day started like many prior,I was still awake, probably 5-6 day's at this point and my mind was scattered,I had to stop, I wanted to be sober but I had a body full of meth and a mind that was desperately searching for a way out of this misery I had created..I didn't know what to do so I bought a 12 pack of beer and I started drinking..something switched in my mind,in my heart,in my soul..i didn't know how but I was going to try,I decided to listen to my heart and not my mind.I told my mom"today I begin the process ""today I go against every instinct I have and I will see it through till the end regardless of what happens "She looked at me with confusion as I would say random shi* from time to time from lack of sleep and all the dope.I told her I was cooking a thanksgiving dinner and I wanted her to invite my uncle and his fiancee at the time for dinner,she said "Are you sure"and I said "I believe I am but time will tell"I started cooking..everything turkey,mashed potatoes and gravy,dinner rolls,Apple pie,vegetables..i kept drinking..The entire time I sat and talked with my mom for over 12 hour's and I could see the joy on my sister's face,she is now 7 and throughout the day she kept hugging me...this confused me greatly and without knowing it she was helping me care,helping me feel,helping me try..I kept drinking,I had my dad pick me up a 2nd 12 pack of beer..My parent's were confused, usually I would snap after the first 12 pack and just be a total asshol* but a year ago today I felt no anger,no rage..and the Hug's kept coming..I knew something was different but I didn't know what, I started thinking back on my childhood and I looked at my sister...my head was spinning,I started thinking "I can't let this beautiful little girl suffer growing up, surrounded by junkies and drunk's the way I did"I couldn't process my feelings at this time,I didn't know what the hell was happening, why couldn't I not care?Why do I feel so terrible?WTF is going on?and I kept drinking..My uncle never showed up and his fiancee just got released from the hospital and took a cab to our home to have thanksgiving dinner with him and my family..when she saw he wasn't here she wanted to leave,she was homeless and I asked her to please stay,she did and I kept drinking...At this time I started hurting for this woman,a tear came to my eye and I had to leave the room...about 10 minutes went by and my sister came running to the room I was in..full blown panic,she said"Art help the woman is dying"I ran out to find this woman out cold,stiff,and completely blue,I started CPR told my mom to call 911 and the woman took a deep breath, looked me in the eye's and said "Help me"and passed out cold again,I continued CPR and kept her alive until the ambulance arrived...At this time I'm 23 beer's in with 1 left...the ambulance took her to the hospital and she survived..i poured my last beer out and my mind raced,I thought "Why me?Why now?"Of all people and all day's this woman's life depended on me.I looked at my sister..she cried and ran over to me and said "thank you"I said "For what baby?"She replied "For not letting that woman die"My heart broke,I knew right then and there I was at war with my demon's and come hell or high water I wasn't going down without a fight. I still struggled for a few more week's with dope and booze but I hated it,I would get sober 3 week's or so and get high and drunk again but every time I did I saw the joy,then the fear,then the relief in my sister's eye's and I just couldn't unsee it,still to this day I fight my demon's, my addiction will be forever present but it is currently arrested and I continue to fight. I am thankful for my sister,that woman,my family,all of you,and most of all for God. Today 1 year later I see progress and process,today I feel hope and compassion,today my memory grows in a positive, caring,loving way and for that I will be forever grateful. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    Liola and deanokat like this.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @True concern

    Good morning! That post made me cry, and I'm so grateful that for whatever reason, you began changing that day. That's really an incredible story and a miracle. I'm so proud of you for everything this past year, the progress and the lessons learned and the many hours spent on this forum encouraging others. You truly are a wonderful, caring soul and I'm grateful that God has brought you to this point in your life.

    That is crazy about that woman. Yes, you were there to save her life. Wow!

    I hope that you had a tremendous thanksgiving!

    I spent the evening and half the night in the hospital and yes, my daughter finally gave birth to a healthy baby boy! We are so excited!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Congratulations on your new grandson:).I didn't intend to make anyone cry but I hope they were happy tears,and I think they may have been but I can't be sure.

    Yes a year ago yesterday was very different, very confusing and honestly a year later I still have a lot of work to do..The real difference for me now is I understand I am only human and in that I mean if I slip I don't allow myself to stay down and give up,I have very high anxiety all the time and I believe that is from the A.D.H.D.so ya I guess it will be a life long struggle, but I won't give up ever again regardless of how this ends.I hope you have a beautiful day
    Dominica likes this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @True concern... While you didn't make me cry, you did bring tears to my eyes. You are such a wonderful soul, my friend. And you have made such progress. You should be very proud of yourself. I know I'm proud as f*ck of you.

    You are an asset to this community, my brother. I am soooooo happy to have you here! :)

    @Dominica... Congrats on the new addition!!! How exciting!!!
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Damn...even just to read someone is proud of me feels good yet unusual, I know people are but it's nice to hear.Thank You
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    :rolleyes:
  7. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    :confused: lol..hope you have a great day o_O
  8. Liola

    Liola Senior Contributor

    CONGRATS GRANDMAMA!!!! Is this the first? I had no idea and am thrilled for you!
    deanokat likes this.
  9. Liola

    Liola Senior Contributor

    I'm proud of you too!
    Happy Anniversary!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  10. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Thank you.I truly appreciate you all,I doubt any of you will ever truly understand how valuable sharing with you all and receiving your feedback has helped me to mature,seriously night and day difference in my way of thinking,processing, caring,etc.I am roughly 4-5 week's away from going back to work,I have 2 offers on the table,two completely different businesses and they neither one mind the month wait.I am having a hard time deciding as one is mental work but pays less,the other physical but I would start at a much higher salary that I couldn't achieve for at lest ten year's in the mental job...but the driving force seems to be money at this time...hoping to offer my family a better life
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  11. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    yes, it is my first grandbaby! it is so exciting!!! <3 i'm going to go watch him for the day so the parents can sleep for longer than a few hours lol...... they are exhausted! but so grateful to have this opportunity!
    deanokat, True concern and Liola like this.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
  13. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    The Lord work's in mysterious ways. For those of you who have read this thread you will understand as I get back on track previously stating elsewhere "I don't need anymore reminders"apparently someone above did not agree and with zero warning,there it was "The reminder" I needed to remember why I continue to fight for sobriety, the reason I endlessly try to become a better person mind,heart,body,and soul.The woman whom I saved on that night is once again back with my uncle. As I recognized her face that night she nearly died in our kitchen flashed in my mind like it just happened. My heart raced and I felt all those emotions change as they did that night,I felt my sister's endless hug's that came on that day,I remembered the love I felt,I felt the pressure lift and I remembered "I cannot let her down"My actions will over time impact her life and I would do anything to keep her safe,and there it is."I cannot fail"I have to set the correct example,I have to show her anything can be achieved with focus,commitment, hard work,faith,and desire.I will continue to work on me,to regain stability.I have to be the example I never had and for that love I will never give up,I will continue my fight and I will win.
    deanokat and DoxyMom like this.
  14. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    We will keep fighting with you, @True concern. I promise. I want to see you win, my brother!
    True concern likes this.
  15. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I will win with my heart,passion,faith,and desire to beat this, though I have struggled for so long each battle I have I get stronger and better educated,though I should have it figured out by now I will admit I am still learning how to approach this fight with complete success
    deanokat likes this.
  16. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Damn right you will, Arthur! :D
    True concern likes this.
  17. Bev_Autow

    Bev_Autow Member

    The only thing that is stopping you is you . I'm 4 years clean from a 25 years heroine and crack cocaine addiction. I am the last person who should be giving advice but nobody knows more about getting clean than me . Keep smiling ☺
    deanokat likes this.
  18. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You are correct,it is me who was stopping me,Question how hard was it to adjust after so much time?Often I have set myself back because I fear the unknown, the unknown being complete sobriety and always thinking rationale
    deanokat likes this.