The past nine or ten years of my life has been a nightmare what started after I had been clean for almost a year at 25 when I got (what I found out years later was) mono and weeks later started waking up in the morning after 6, 8, 10, 12 hrs of sleep feeling like I had just fallen asleep 5 minutes before. I was confused and often thought I was dreaming when awake and was diagnosed with a rare sleep disorder and given Adderall. It was so bad for a couple years I would sleep five days without waking to even pee. Adderall didn't help with that but it made it so I could think straight when I was awake. Unfortunately, I had my first panic attack in nursery school and have always had anxiety. My sleep disorder was so bad that for the past ten years I have not been able to work and even something as simple as making it to a dr appt is not easy. I was always given a klonopin Rx but didn't use it more than a couple times a month until about 3 or 4 years ago when my anxiety started really getting bad. It is not abnormal for me to go a month without leaving the house. I no longer have friends, haven't had a bf or a date for a few years, and my family has been uncaring since the beginning. I spent a few years so scared of sleep that I bought Adderall on the street too and would take 30 mg every 3 hrs for up to 5 days. It somehow ended up that I stopped doing that and started taking 40mg every 6-8 hrs for 2 days of waking and 1mg every 12 hrs for the next 2 days while sleeping (or else I go into withdrawal in sleep) and 1mg Klonopin with my waking doses of Adderall except for the first two and none while asleep. I've also been slooowly titrating off Suboxone which I've been taking for ten years but only 4 mg for the past 8 - I had ended up in the hospital shitting saline when I tried to detox from it before. So taking the Adderall like I've been for a while caused me to need an Rx from one dr for 90 20mg and another for 60 20mg. Then I go to fill my Rx and find there's a new law and pharmacy database and I can't do this anymore. So I had to it down 40% immediately. I stopped seeing the psych I was getting the 60 from and just got the 90 from my prim. care. It's been since Sept. 30th and I haven't talked to a doc about it yet. I am so scared to lose my doc. I want to get completely off the Adderall. I have a feeling now that it could be causing my sleeping issues, along with the klon. I want to come clean to my doc but I'm scared to b/c he is my only support system. Yet I have been having a very hard time the past month and a half. I'm always violently angry and tired and depressed beyond depressed too tired to even shower and my hair has been falling out for a couple years but not there's dandruff everywhere all the sudden from my seeping lack of body temp regulation in which I sweat (mostly my head) randomly and I would like to go to rehab or at least a good detox but I don't know of a place that takes insurance that would understand and help with my sleep disorder, my slow titration of Suboxone (going down .25mg a month and am at .75mg), and won't just yoink away my klonopin and let me go within a week to twist in the wind. My sleep disorder can make me all id, yelling or crying if I wake too early. It happened in episodes before I started taking too much Adderall. I don't even know how to detox or what these meds are doing to each other with detoxing. I think I need to talk to an addictions specialist yet my being able to make it to any appt is iffy. I've had a missing tooth I've needed to get an implant in since June and I've yet to make it to the dentist (it's like having narcolepsy except when I fall asleep, it's for days), have t been to a Gyno in 6 years and have been allergic to something that has put puffy light brown fluid-filled sacks above my cheeks for months and haven't been to an allergist. So it would be great if there was an addiction specialist who I could FaceTime or Skype or whatever with. Even just talking over a ph appt. I need a dr or specialist to let me know what I should do, where to go, what to except. I am scared. I really want to get completely off the Adderall and I can't do it from home, at least not without medical supervision and support...... (obviously I want to get off the klonopin too but I believe that is something I can do slowly) Thank you for any and all suggestions. I am so afraid.