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Addicted Couple on Opiates

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by LaurenJ, Oct 3, 2018.

  1. LaurenJ

    LaurenJ Active Contributor

    I need some advise please. My Husband and I are addicted to pain killers. I mainly get them from him which was initially a fun thing every once in a while to needing them every day to feel ok. My new ok has turned me into someone I don’t even recognize anymore. As long as there is an abundance of pain pills I’m happy, otherwise just miserable. My hubby is the only one working, I cook and clean and am mostly at home w the dog who is our child. I am not currently on his insurance and have been considering getting help for myself but don’t know where to turn. Money is tight for us and without insurance I don’t know what my options are. I don’t want to leave my Hubby, I love him but sometimes feel we are not good for each other. I am codependent and believe he may be as well. I don’t want to hurt him but also want to be a better person, I just don’t know how to go about doing it. My mind has so many thoughts so I just try to focus on one thing at a time. I feel that being sober would be great but having opiates around I don’t know if I could manage staying sober. I want to work but am a mess! I am depressed and feel helpless and alone. Anyone with some ideas or advice for me? Thank you for reading.
    True concern likes this.
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    My advice is to seek professional addiction counseling, both of you.You already say your a mess and reading that upset me because I remember being a mess when I was living with my wife of almost 20 year's. I'm going to share my story of what pain pills did to me and just how bad it got.Every word is true and I'm sharing this with you to show you where we go once we move beyond being a mess.

    This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with A.D.H.D.at that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the Dr.to try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you
  3. LaurenJ

    LaurenJ Active Contributor

    @True concern
    Thank you so much for sharing your journey with me, that is truly a lot that you’ve gone through and I’m so happy to read you made it through and are still married and happy! How long have you been sober for now? That really does give me hope reading your story. I’m afraid of losing my Husband because I don’t think he’s ready to stop using. So that leaves me and although an addiction specialist sounds great (I’ve been trying to research a bit today) I don’t know how to do this with hardly any money for myself (Husband controls the income) and no insurance since I was laid off and couldn’t afford cobra. I am not making excuses but are there places that can help with little to no money? I am going to ask my hubby again about when I can get on his insurance but last time I tried with Kaiser they only want to put you on Suboxone and I’m afraid because I get addicted to everything! I have been addicted to alcohol, meth many years ago, pot, now opiates. I have even thought of looking for heroin because we can’t afford pills all the time, I am very worried of what will become of me if I don’t do something to change. It’s very hard to talk to my Husband and this is my secret I have kept from everyone but him. I am ashamed and feel very hopeless and alone. My family has always been there but I don’t want to turn to them again because I always end up back with my husband. I really don’t think I’m ready to tell them everything and leave my Husband. I am just trying to take it one step at a time. I do recognize the addiction and sickness. Next step is? Btw I just asked and I can get on my Husbands Ins Nov 1! Maybe this is the day I call and get back to a Dr for help? I actually feel a twinge of hope coming to that realization as well

    Again thank you for taking the time with me True Concern, bless you and your continuing sobriety.
    ~L
  4. LaurenJ

    LaurenJ Active Contributor

    I just spoke to my Husband on the phone and he wants me to try Suboxone if that’s what it takes, he says that if it works he is willing to try it too. He thinks if I can get clean first it will encourage him to follow. I hope he is speaking the truth but I suppose I will cross that bridge when it comes. I can’t imagine getting clean and my Husband continuing using while I try to stay sober. Do you think that could even work in a relationship with this type of scenario?
    deanokat, Dominica and True concern like this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Suboxone will indeed help but it's not meant to be taken for a lifetime (so to speak)many Dr's don't inform their patients properly but it eliminates the dope sick withdrawals and it has naloxone in it so it kills the ability to throw back some pills or take heroin and get high it totally neutralizes the high feeling so you can work on a slow progressive detox back to sobriety with very minimal agony.I wish you all the very best and God Bless you both
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @LaurenJ Hello and welcome to the Forum. Super glad that you're here reaching out. You've gotten some great insight and advice from @True concern concern. That's great that you can get on your husband's insurance. Perhaps you can see an addiction specialist and create a recovery plan for you. I do believe that your husband May tag along at some point. Chances are he wants to get and stay clean too.

    Have you considered a support group like Narcotics Anonymous? Having a solid support network can be helpful and that is something you both could attend together. Get yourselves each a sponsor and start working the program. Something to think about. Definitely know that you're not alone. We're here to support and encourage you however we can. Recovery is a process and change takes time, so try not to get discouraged along your way. Just keep getting up and trying and trying and trying.
    LaurenJ, True concern and deanokat like this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, @LaurenJ. I'm so happy to hear that you and your husband are wanting to get clean. Coming here and sharing with us is a courageous first step, and I'm super proud of you for doing it.

    @True concern and @Dominica have already given you some fabulous advice, and I echo everything they say. I know you and your husband can do this! Definitely consider finding an addiction specialist and consulting them. An addiction specialist can assess your specific situation and recommend the best next steps for you. I highly recommend going that route.

    We are here to help, support, and listen. If you need anything, just reach out and lean on us. We truly care.

    Sending lots of positive, clean & sober vibes in the direction of you and your husband. And a bunch of encouragement and hope, too. Never ever give up!
  8. LaurenJ

    LaurenJ Active Contributor

    Sorry for the delayed reply with this, I wanted to thank you all for replying to my post. At the moment I am still exactly the same, basically feeling stuck. When I first wrote in and decided once I have my Husbands insurance that I will check in with Kaiser I felt so good! It was a commitment that is both terrifying and gives me hope. My Husband and I both say may things and don’t follow through (I never used to be that person), but I have to do this for myself finally. If he chooses not to then I will figure out an ultimatum or if I am strong enough to stay and give him support and encouragement. I am so afraid of what can happen but you all are right in that I can’t give up. If I don’t try then I’m truly afraid this will not end well. Everyone’s encouragement is so appreciated and the NA meetings and addiction specialists are a great suggestion. I am giving myself to Nov 1st to take the first step, going to my new dr and getting the referral to an addiction dr. If it’s suboxone I plan on being adamant on a very low dose to start and tapering as quick as possible to quit. I’m talking maybe 2 months to get my routine back to a healthy one and I’m also afraid if my Hubby won’t support me or choses to still abuse then I may have to leave which means losing everything and starting over. Is that a terrible thing to think of? I love and care for him deeply but I feel I need to think of myself and staying healthy. We have a common denominator and it’s hanging out and getting high. Or being there through withdrawal month and after month. It’s very unhealthy and It has gotten so much worse. I’m so angry with myself but no reason to beat myself up, just have to look ahead and try to stay positive as depressed and hopeless that I can feel sometimes. Again thank you @@True concern@@Dominica and @@deanokat for your encouragement and kind words. I really have no one to talk to that understands what is happening to me and it’s so lonely sometimes. Thank God for my dog, she’s wonderful company and non judgmental lol Just cuddles and goes everywhere with me ❤️
  9. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Never forget that even when you feel you have nobody on your side or to talk to that you always have the care and support of the members here. These individuals esp on your post have helped me more then i ever could have imagined and are always there to listen and give amazing advice and guidance as well reassurance that were never alone in our walk through recovery. I hope everything works out and your road to recovery takes you far in the future. Many blessings. You can do this.
    deanokat, True concern and LaurenJ like this.
  10. LaurenJ

    LaurenJ Active Contributor

    @Lostboy8731 Thank you for that, it truly feels awesome just to unload a bit and have someone respond with healthy advice. I very well could talk to my family but they don’t understand addiction and I have had many issues they’ve helped me with already, it’s just so shameful to come clean with this but perhaps it will have to be done sooner or later I don’t know. I do know I finally feel that I’ve reached a breaking point and need help. I’m sorry to here about your OD and I’m glad that you are alive and reaching out. Are you currently in any programs or getting help at all? Have a blessed day as well and in your recovery, YOU can get back up and keep fighting, don’t give up.
  11. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    I was clean and sober a little more the 2.5 years until recently when i relapsed and fell back into my addiction. Right now I'm currently self detoxing and awaiting a call letting me know a spot is open for me in a rehab center a few hours away from me. To be honest when i relapsed it was the love and support and words of the ppl hear that pushed me to get back up and keep pushing ahead. If not for them i can't even imagin how bad I'd be right now. As for feeling shameful well you should'nt feel any shame in telling them or getting help. Addiction is an all gripping monster when we let feelings and negative self thinking in hence why so many of us feel powerless against addiction and feel like we can't or won't ever beat it. That's where having a loving support team comes in like everyone here.

    Reach out anytime you need to @LaurenJ even if its just to vent there's always someone here to listen or share advice. Keep in touch and let us know how your recovery goes. Best wishes and many prayers on your journey :)
  12. LaurenJ

    LaurenJ Active Contributor

    @Lostboy8731 Wow 2.5 years! That’s great and I know you can do it again, I’m glad you’re in detox and will be in a rehab setting soon. I promise to keep checking in and reaching out. As for what you said about the shame that just made me cry, you are absolutely right. The funny thing is they have all seen me addicted to other substances before and have always been there for me. I think I will talk to them soon about this. My Husband didn’t want me to because I suppose it would look bad on him too. But the fact is I will need all the support I can get. I don’t have to bring him into the conversation I suppose? This is about me and getting back on track, that’s a good thing.
    Best wishes to you and keep me posted on your Recovery!
    Lauren