Addicted to attention

Same as you, I stayed with him long too! Yes, these men insult women so that we would feel insecure enough and stay with them. I do not know why it makes them feel a man insulting us when in reality it just makes them like what you said, half men! Good thing we got rid of these kinds of people in our lives. I actually felt relieved and free the moment we broke up!

Yeah, I think some deliberately hurt others while the narcisisstic kinds do not really intend to. I think the narcisisst kinds has a mindset that revolves just around them. They think the world is about them. So they say and do things that hurt people but they do not realize this.

On the other hand, some people deliberately hurt and belittle others like what my ex did. He insults me very often and treats me badly. He calls me names that are very offending. I think this kind of a person is one who deliberately insults others to make them feel good about themselves.

I think in someways an alcoholic or drug addict is an attention seeker. They want to escape their life and this does that. There is often negative attention and some positive attention that they get out of it. Thus the altered state.
Aside from this you are describing the narcissistic personality. Someone who constantly needs others approval and ego stroking to exist. The need for the limelight is one thing, but creating an illusion of being this great person in oneself and feelings of that you are not so great. This is sort of a bankrupt behavior. An attention seeking ho that thinks nothing of themselves but constantly seeks validation from others, betrays themselves in the whole scheme of it.
Narcissism is a label like drug addict or alcoholic. It is a condition really, a state of being as the other two are. The label doesn't have to be worn forever. The feelings that go with them are optional. I think that the first condition is just as much an addiction as drugs and alcohol. There is a high from getting your ego stroked. Creating a limelight that is transparent to yourself is self-defeating. The bankrupt factor. You don't need everyone's attention, you don't need everyone's love, you don't need the limelight. Although it feels good. The only thing you need know, inside, is that you are enough. You are a good person. You do your best and be the best person you can be, every day. This is regardless of what other people say or do, you really feel this way about yourself. You are not really so great in the limelight if you don't think much of yourself.
Narcissism is said to be one of the worst conditions for a person. There will be endless counseling and another person who may be involved with them is basically wasting their time. Wasting their time hoping that this person changes. Sounds like drugs doesn't it? This is directly from western medicine theory. Once an addict always an addict kind of thing. If you subscribe to that school of thought then it will be. The narcissist basically there is no cure for. I don't think that is true, but it sure looks that way. This is what happens with drug addiction. The drug for the attention seeker is through their own chemicals produced from drama and a collection of attention. Someone who doesn't give it is like the person who says I think you need AA. The person who doesn't join in with adding to the great feeling.
If this is constant and never ending then isn't it an addiction?

This is interesting what you are saying about this kind of a person insults to feel good about themselves. It seems to me more like a defensive action. Usually someone who insults other people is reacting to how they feel not trying to change how they feel. If someone feels good about themselves they have no need to insult anyone else. It says more about how they are feeling themselves. There is a cycle there of abuse, I feel bad so I want her to feel bad. A pseudo mommy thing comes into play. If I act up and be nasty to mom she loves me and gives me attention. Hence the insults to you. More often than not a man or woman goes with a pseudo version of their Mom or Dad that eggs on their crappy behavior.

Is there a chance he could be a narcissist? Those guys are terrible, they are so selfish and will often make you feel bad about yourself there will be times when they might say or do something that might make you feel a bit better, but that's it. My last ex was a guy who often disguised insults as jokes, the one before him made fun of my feelings after he said something offensive. No idea why I stayed so long with those jerks.

I'm glad you broke up with him, but what made you want to break free from that guy?

I don't really like attention, but I think people just do it to make them feel good about themselves, since it boosts their ego. So I just go with the flow and understand where they are coming from. I had a friend who was like that, but in a subtle and acceptable way. She wants to be the prettiest one when she is in a group of girls, (she even blatantly told me she wished my forehead pimples would go back, lol) and she told me that she wanted to get married in this certain church because the aisle was long and she would get more exposure and attention that way. And she had a regular and happy childhood. She simply just wants to show off herself most of the time.

Jumping in - like both you and @Coolkidhere, I was involved with a guy who showed emotionally abusive tendencies very early on, and some narcissistic ones as well. Though weirdly enough, one of the boxes he DIDN’T tick was a need for attention.

His form of verbal abuse may have been more subtle, though; he was a white-knight concern troll whose only way of complimenting me was backhanded and/or condescending. And if I had an opinion of any sort, he immediately needed to shoot it down and point out how my thinking was faulty - even if it turned out he mostly agreed with my opinion! Massive superiority complex, that one had. It was a terribly manipulative way of trying to establish control over me. I was starting to think I was crazy.

Luckily, I’m the sort of person that a colleague of mine says “can’t be molded.” So once I realized what was going on, I dumped the guy’s ass. But even though it only lasted two months, it messed me right up for a while, especially because I come from a background involving years of emotional abuse. I sympathize with both of you for having gone through it, and I’m glad you were able to break free. It’s such a relief when you come out the other side.

That is actually a possibility. As I remember, whenever he makes me feel bad or even breaks up with me, I always come running after him. I always always try to make things work and fix the relationship even saying sorry when it is not my fault. You know just to patch things up.

One day I just realized that I am wasting my time spending it with him who never appreciates my worth. I looked back and realized too that no other guy has ever treated me that way. All my other ex boyfriends treat me with respect and I get treated like trash by this one guy.

I am with you. Our opinions matter and there is no way anyone especially our boyfriend or husband, can say that it does not matter. I hate how when I am trying to tell my ex how I am feeling he would just say that I am too sensitive. Or his insults about the clothes I wear which is not even revealing or anything lol. Good thing you were able to get away from that guy! He is not worth your time or love or even effort!

The “too sensitive” thing, that is just awful. Mine never said it straight up, but some of the things he did say to me, they indicated he thought I was too sensitive. And he would ALWAYS tell me I worried too much. His favorite thing to say after that? “So stop it!” He more or less accused me of wanting to be worried/anxious all the time, among other things.

That said, I must admit, I did fall into some slight Stockholm syndrome; I tried to patch things up shortly after I left, in the misplaced hope that maybe we could be friends of some sort. But I eventually figured out that all I really wanted was an apology, not his friendship. I did get an apology, but it wasn’t sincere and he still managed to blame my “sensitivity” for all our problems. Just further proved to me that he never listened to a word I said, and he never would. So I knew I had to cut off all contact after that, for the sake of my sanity. I have been feeling so much better since I cut him off completely - and I feel very, very sorry indeed for the next woman he chases down, if there is one.

He clearly does not care about your feelings which means you really should not care about him either. It is so sad that the one person we are supposed to feel vulnerable with, do not really want to listen to or understand us. Sometimes we tend to be sensitive, yes that is true. But more often, we really do feel hurt or sad by what these guys did.

Good thing you cut him off in your life! An unsincere apology is still not an apology for me. If he does not mean it, then do not say it. Also, actions speak louder than words. Saying sorry does not mean you can do it again! I do hope he realizes what he had lost when he lost you!

So true, everything you’ve said!

I won’t lie, on occasion I’m still slightly curious if he’s managed to find another victim yet, or if he’s managed to learn his lesson. But on both counts, I doubt it. So my time and thoughts are better spent on people who truly love and respect me. Every day, it’s gotten easier to care less and less.

I think for me it was something similar, but I had some help from a friend of mine He kept telling me what he did was wrong, told me how a man is supposed to treat a women, etc. I learnt a lot thanks to that friend. I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for him. I'm glad you could see it for yourself and decided to leave, life is short and we should be as happy as possible while we still can breathe.

Well done! He sounds like one of my exes, to me this was the worse. He'd do the same things yours did, rarely complimented me and when he did say something kinda nice it was in a condescending way. Most of the time he was listing the things he found annoying about me and so on. He always thought he was so superior to me, and made sure to let me know that.

I stayed with him for almost 5 years I deeply regret that, but since I come from a dysfunctional family, I have been dealing with codependency issues for a long time. I didn't leave him because I was so afraid to be alone, he had destroyed my confidence so much I did believe I'd not find somebody else. It was awful, now looking back... I can't believe I put up with that. If he meets the new me he'd be surprised.

I cannot imagine enduring that for five years. I think I would have broken down completely. But then again, these things do have a way of building our resilience, don’t they? And then seeing the light and realizing you’ve become a completely different, better, and stronger person after you got out of it… it’s so gratifying. I have actually seen the guy a couple of times since the breakup (one hassle of living in such a small area), and I think he was shell-shocked to realize I’d changed my life circumstances rather drastically, and in a relatively short time. High fives for getting away from yours as well, major high fives.

I do hope he does not find another victim or maybe does find someone who will change him. Either way, good riddance and he is out of your life. It is very important to spend our lives with people who find our presence important! So just be with people who love you and whom you love.

Absolutely. I’m glad I’ve never been the type to abandon my friends when I’m with someone. Especially because one of my friends went through a similar situation for 3+ years, so she and I can commiserate. She completely understood the emotional rollercoaster I was riding post-breakup. And she still has to deal with hers (they work together), so now that I’ve been through a condensed version of it, I can be there for her to remind her she’s not crazy and she needs to stick to her guns, just like all of my friends have reminded me. I really don’t know where I’d be without them.

To me, being a drama queen is not an addiction. That's just narcissism. Having to be the center of attention all the time often stems from being an insecure person who always needs to be validated. People like this generally don't ever consider anyone else's feelings and operate under the belief that no one else matters besides them. To me, it's a personality flaw rather than an illness.

Yeah, actually that relationship taught me a lot! I now take no crap from anyone, if a man tries to disrespect me in any way that's it. I have noticed that some men will go as far as you let them, most of them like to test your limits when just starting a relationship. My fiance tried to test mine, he was a bit rude, but he found out early on my limits were very well marked. I think what helped me is that I didn't hesitate.