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Addicted to attention

Discussion in 'Other Substances' started by amethyst, May 21, 2015.

  1. CallipygianGamine

    CallipygianGamine Community Champion

    I’ve found the same to be true, so I’m with you, I’m done letting them get away with it. Granted, I’m still somewhat frightened to jump back into the dating pool because my incident was pretty recent, but at least now I know what I absolutely cannot put up with. I’m not someone who likes to waste my time, so if there’s any hint of disrespect, I will call it out.
  2. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    Way to go, girl :D I think I had so many issues because my limits weren't so clear, so they didn't know what my limits were. It's better to teach them early on, it's sad, but I think people, specially men, are always on the look for vulnerable spots. It took me a while to trust my fiance and open myself completely to him, because sometimes if you own to the wrong man he actually uses that against you D:
  3. CallipygianGamine

    CallipygianGamine Community Champion

    That’s EXACTLY what my problem was. I hadn’t clearly established my boundaries and limits. Some of them I had, but I still had so many blind spots, so many vulnerabilities, and he poked at them until I started feeling crazy. The irony of it all? After I outlined a little of my dating history, he told me I needed some positive experiences! Hahaha, he sure as hell wasn’t gonna be the one to give me those!

    In hindsight I missed a staggering number of red flags, but I no longer beat myself up for having missed them. I’d never experienced anything like it before in a romantic context, mostly just read about it. Seen a bit from the outside too, with the friend I mentioned before, but I didn’t even know the true extent of hers until after my own breakup. So it wasn’t as if I knew quite what to look for in practice.

    And agreed re trust. I know I felt like the things I said were being used against me. I’m not the most trusting person at the best of times (which was a huge sticking point), so I think it’ll take me even longer to open up than before. It’s tough; I want to be able to open my heart to someone, but there are so many reasons not to risk it. I’m sure I’ll reach the point where I can, but that takes time, which is something the next man needs to understand.
  4. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    To be honest? I am in what I believe is a loving relationship, a open loving one. But if I am honest, there are things I'll just never discuss wit him, because no matter how good the man is sometimes (mine has proved is not that good given the fact he was testing the waters at first to see if he could do whatever he wanted with me just because I'm a foreigner far away from home) so no, I don't fully trust him yet.

    I'm actually so very glad I never opened up to his family ever. Whatever you do, NEVER do that. Even if you think the family of the guy you are with is so nice and kind... people wear a lot masks. I at first thought they were an ok family, until a few months ago. I always knew something was off with the mother... I was right, always trust your gut.

    I avoid showing my vulnerabilities, I recently did with him and he teases me a bit about it. Sometimes you just have to decide what is ok to share and what is not. As a rule of thumb I never tell him something I'd not like the rest of his family to know. As for his family, since the start I only shared what was necessary.

    By the way, that guy you were with sounds like a total jerk. I had an ex like that, I pity the women who end up with those guys.
  5. CallipygianGamine

    CallipygianGamine Community Champion

    Yeah, I’ve been casually keeping up with that other thread… people can be so awful once the masks come off. And you are so right about always trusting the gut. It might not always be rational, I know my intuition was firing off a gazillion signals and I didn’t listen because it wasn’t really helping with the whole “feeling crazy” thing - but it’s always right.

    I have to say, this all makes me thankful that I tend to get involved with guys who aren’t from here, so they have little or no family here. (Although I have a feeling that guy’s brother, who he’s living with and who might even be a WORSE jerk, thought I was… not the sanest. That’s minor compared to all the stories in the other thread, of course, especially because I can neither confirm nor deny. But I’m still glad I never permanently moved into that place. I shudder to think.) The one time I was involved with a mama’s boy, ages ago, it made me say “Never again.” So I feel for you and the others.

    Things like what I’ve been through, and stories like yours and the others, have kind of made me question how much it’s really appropriate to trust someone. You hear so much that trust is so important, and that’s true, but… I guess the real question is why do other people have to make it so difficult to trust them! :( The thing that saved me was finally opening up about my concerns to people whom I do trust, but it took me a while. And it’s really tough when you don’t have that, or you feel like you CAN’T share. The latter was my case, at least until I finally did. So I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, it’s great to find a place like this where we can share these things in a fairly anonymous setting, without feeling judged.
  6. Auril

    Auril Active Contributor

    These type of people really annoy me, especially if it's in the context of recovery from substances as well. I was in a 30 day treatment program with a young woman like this and she truly caused so much chaos that the rest of us (5) in the program really didn't get much therapy during our stays. She either slept and snored loudly through groups, demanded to be the center of attention, or threw tantrums when she wasn't.
    I couldn't stand her!
  7. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    You can also keep a diary :) I do that, there are things I don't dare to talk about with my best friend, or simply because he has other issues and I don't want to overwhelm him. This is why a diary is so useful! You can vent all you want and let all that out, as much as you want, and be 100% free without fear of being judged or criticized by some stranger. I do that, and that is what have kept me sane.

    If I start feeling a bit angry and resentful towards my partner (specially every time I see ho blind he is when it comes to his family and how I seem to be under a microscope all the time) I write there. I actually need to do that today or else I will explode. It's also good to keep your life well organized and exterminate your take on things... I always enjoy going back to reading things I write in the past (When there is nothing else to do).

    As for trusting... I have come to the conclusion there is no sure way to know you can trust someone for sure, no matter how long you have known him or her. I tell you this because I thought I knew my mother, but I overheard her saying horrible things about me 5 or 4 years ago... I thought I could trust her, but apparently I don't really know her. We are ok now (after confronting her) but it was hard to fully let that go, I was really resentful for a couple years... but now I am not :)

    Just take your time when meeting someone, as a rule of thumb I don't give people my trust until they earn it. Same with this guy, I'm still waiting for him to fully earn my trust (he has done things lately that push him farther from that). Just use your best judgement and common sense and you will be ok :) There are wonderful guys out there, but they are are to find. Just don't trust too soon and you will be ok :D
    CallipygianGamine likes this.
  8. Tsky45

    Tsky45 Community Champion

    This can be annoying. I think everybody wants attention at some point, but shouldn't over do it. If it's an addiction These kind of people will be alone after a while. Everything has to be in moderation. The thing we have to realize is that there's other people around.
  9. CallipygianGamine

    CallipygianGamine Community Champion

    Diaries are great, I agree! Especially for this sort of thing. I actually realized that I mostly tend to write in mine when things are going haywire, and it would be nice to record the good things that happen as well, hahaha. In any case though, it really does aid in sorting out complex feelings, especially since no one else is there to read and judge. Though truth be told, most people wouldn’t even judge me as harshly as I’ve been known to judge myself :p That said, I never fail to be shocked at how rational the advice I give myself can be when I look back. It’s also great for showing how much progress you’ve made, even when you think you haven’t.

    I’m also with you on trust. No such thing as 100%, and it has to be earned. My impatient streak has just tended to get the better of me in the past, but I think I’ve finally learned my lesson there… and how! Haha. I’ve met a few great guys with whom it just didn’t work out for one reason or another, and to be honest, knowing they’re out there is what helps keep that little spark of hope alive.
  10. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    I keep record of both good and things in my diary :) I think it's important to keep record of everything, because sometimes thing we might think are small might not be as small as we thought. Plus i always amaze myself at the things I wrote in the past, specially when I was venting... I read them again and I get the same feeling I was experiencing while writing that for the first time. It's great.
    CallipygianGamine likes this.
  11. CallipygianGamine

    CallipygianGamine Community Champion

    Agreed! There have been times I’ve wanted to trash my journal file, because I was embarrassed about some of the things I’d written, some of the feelings I’d experienced. But in the end, it’s my truth and I shouldn’t deny it. Better to keep it. Going back through my entries has made me feel so relieved that I no longer have to deal with certain situations. It’s also a good reminder that I have survived quite some stuff.
  12. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    Yes!!!! I sometimes get that when I read certain entries and think to myself: ''Oh my gosh, you really let it all out that time, didn't you?''. Lol, and that is when I know the diary served its purpose :) I don't feel 100% satisfied and relieved unless I manage to stay 100% true to myself when I writing something in that diary, I need to be 100% honest in order to relieve my stress or frustrations, if I don't it won't work at all.

    By the way, do you keep a physical diary or prefer to have one online? Mine is online, I like that because I can add pictures and can lock it to make sure no one else ever reads it. It's cool!
  13. CallipygianGamine

    CallipygianGamine Community Champion

    I used to keep physical diaries, and sometimes I’ll still write out my feelings on a piece of paper first just because I like the feel of a pen on paper. But I keep mine in a text file on an external hard drive. Used to keep it on my old laptops, but I just never bothered transferring it to this one. One thing I always liked about typing them out is that it’s so much more conducive to ALL-CAPS ANGST! Hahaha. Plus I type faster than I write, so it’s much easier to spill my feelings out.
  14. eveliner

    eveliner Senior Contributor

    They feel like something inside them lacks, and want it to cease to be the case as soon as possible. They try to gather attention by all means. I don't think it's something that is transmitted through genes, but I do believe that family has a big role into this behaviour, especially if you don't give your kid enough attention.
  15. Nergaahl

    Nergaahl Community Champion

    I don't crave attention at all, and I admit that I find attention seekers quite annoying. I don't judge them as much as I did in the past though, who knows, maybe they have their own problems which make them behave like this, maybe they feel insecure etc. You just have to keep calm and try to ignore them, it's a pretty good coping mechanism. Either way, avoid them. It's not good for you to get annoyed by these.