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Addicted to Fentanyl

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by loser, Feb 9, 2018.

  1. loser

    loser Community Champion

    I am a Canadian in Europe without health insurance... and I am addicted to Fentanyl.

    I am so scared that I am considering suicide as a way of dealing with my addiction (and the shame associated with my addiction)

    I became addicted six months ago when a European doctor reccomended that I take 100 microgram Fentanyl patches to (as he put it, get me off of the opiates I was using to combat chronic pain.) Had I known what this was, I would have punched him in the eye.

    I have fallen so low that part of my addiction pattern is to chew and suck out the remaning medication from the old patch I change (Yes I know.... it is shameful.)

    I dont know what to do.

    I know I need help but I cant afford treatment (and nobody wants to treat someone unless they have money).

    The most fucked up thing about my situation is that my girlfriend is willing to pay for my Fentanyl patches (1300 euros for a seven month supply), yet absolutly will not pay nor consider any form of treatment. (The reason being that by paying for the Fentanyl, she has total control over me.) The reason I know this is because of what she said when we argued over my wanting treatment.

    "I dont want you going to treatment and having other women controlling and influencing you. You would be gone for two weeks and I dont want that.

    I am in hell. Someone please help me before I commit suicide.
  2. Breaks my heart reading a post like this but I have been in your exact shoes. Everyone gave up and I even gave up on myself. There are resources available to you, my best suggestion is going to an AA meeting. I did and it saved my life, check out this https://www.aa.org/ for local meetings listing. There is hope, don't give up on yourself the drugs aren't worth it sobriety is the way to go. I have been sober for 8 years and never been happier. best of luck to you.
    Dominica likes this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @loser i am so sorry you're going through this. first, you're not a loser. you became addicted to a very addictive drug... you never meant to. not having health insurance can be a deterrent, but maybe you can find an alternative solution... you can maybe go check yourself in at the local hospital. even without insurance, you deserve help...

    here are some places you can contact if you are feeling suicidal:

    https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

    1-800-273-8255

    http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

    http://www.defyingmentalillness.com/worldwide-suicide-helplines/

    there are people there that can help you better than me.. i just want you to know you're not alone... meaning, we are here..and no matter what, we'll be here. you're not a screw up. not a loser. you're a good soul whose brain got addicted to a drug. it's not a moral failing... it's the brain doing what it does... and when it gets a hit of a drug like fentanyl...it gets addicted.

    treatment is out there...find your path. try one thing, try everything. see what works for you. check out online video meetings if you want:

    https://www.intherooms.com/livemeetings/view?meeting_id=43

    there are many to choose from.

    hope this helps. stay in touch.
    loser likes this.
  4. loser

    loser Community Champion

    Thank you for allowing me to feel like a person for a minute. I will look into what you sent me as I am truly at the end of my rope.

    I am so afraid... afraid of living, afraid of dying.

    I just want it all to go away.

    I wish I had never listened to the doctor who perscribed me this garbage. He has destroyed me by convincing me that this was somehow better than the 50 mg of oxycodone I was taking before.
  5. loser

    loser Community Champion

    Thank you. However, AA will not help me to deal with the physical horrors of withdrawing from Fentanyl. Great as support granted . But will not help me when I feel as if my kidneys are exploding, or when I am suffering from hot and cold flashes or when I have diarrhea and cramps so severe that I am no longer able to contain myself.

    I am scared and dont know what to do.
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @loser perhaps go to the hospital...tell them your state of mind... maybe they can help. or direct you somewhere where you can get the medical help during withdrawals...(and psychological) that's what i'd do, even if i didn't have insurance.... i'd go. have you talked to the dr. that prescribed you this? let him know what's going on..

    saying a prayer for you... <3
  7. loser

    loser Community Champion

    Thank you for your prayers Dominica. I an getting so tired of fighting to live.

    Every attempt I make to contact treatment programs ends when they learn that I cannot afford 700 euros per day for treatment.

    What happened to the world ? What happened to that sense of community.... that sense of brother and sisterhood that compells us to look out for one another in times of hardship ? What happened to love and charity and wanting to help someone who truly wants and needs help ?

    Maybe the big sleep isn't such a bad idea because the world I live in seems to have lost what it means to be human.

    I cant stop crying
  8. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @loser i am not sure what the social service community is like in europe... but if you can find a number to call for your local social service or mental health agency, call them. ask them to help you or direct you somewhere.

    did you call any of the numbers i gave you?

    check out an online video meeting?

    https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

    1-800-273-8255

    http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

    http://www.defyingmentalillness.com/worldwide-suicide-helplines/

    https://www.intherooms.com/livemeetings/view?meeting_id=43
  9. jone

    jone Member

    Sometimes it is really hard to get into a detox, so for the past few decades I go to a hospital and tell them I am suicidal then they have to take me.While in there they detox from the meds I am on. I was diagnosed bipolar during my fourteenth rehab, I had gone to thousands of NA/AA meetings and could not even make ninety days to get my chip.Anyway, back to the rehab, I had thrown a fit and told them I was going to hitchhike and go get high, they made a quick call to one of their psychs and told me if I took a pill and still wanted to leave after 1/2 hour that they would give me a ride.When they came to ask if I still wanted to go, I was in total shock, yes, I wanted to be high, but I could say no, an ability I never had.I, personally, believe in harm reduction meds like Suboxone, so you can;t




    get high even if you want to.And so you know, my habit lasted decades and I was suicidal most of that time and I am now sixty-one and, yeah still the suicidal thought come, but I haven't done heroin or sucked on a fentanyl patch in, I don't know 8 to ten years. Please try to get on Suboxone at least for a few years and try meetings they might help you.Damn, this was long!
  10. loser

    loser Community Champion

    Jone.

    Thanks for your response. The ideas herein are sound. However, the problem I face is that I am a Canadian in Europe without health insurance. (Even if I had health insurance , it would not pay for detox.)

    Still, thank you because you are someone who seems to get it.
  11. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @jone thank you for your response. glad you are now doing well and have been clean so long...