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Addicted wife

Discussion in 'Heroin' started by Concernedhusband18, Feb 4, 2019.

  1. Well to start i went to jail last summer for three weeks, my wife and i both had been on heroin for roughly a year and a half. When we started i had never done it before, but she had been an addict and off of it for a year or so before that. When i went to jail i obviously went through the withdrawals and came off it inside the jail. My wife on the other hand went completely wild while i was away. She had dealers staying at our house, and her partying with other dealers in motels. She told me once i got out that she had stopped once she ran out of stuff that was left behind with her when i was locked up. I believed her until many different people were telling me other stories. And i have to think this many different, unrelated people wouldnt all be conspiring against her and lying. Its just too coincidental. She apparently had quite a few mmf threesomes for the drug, had men sleeping with her in our bed for it, even posed for pictures in our bed with another man too. Let a guy have her in a shabby motel with a whole room full of people watching for ive been told a half gram. Wow. Of course i am heartbroken by this, completely. But i love her and want to forgive her and i feel that the addiction is what did this, not the woman i married, but the woman who was hopelessly hooked on that stuff. Shes currently in jail now and clean and feeling good. But before she went i confronted her about these allegations, at first i didnt show her the photos of her in bed with another, just said the things i heard. She flat out denied it and tried to turn it around on me, and say that i was the one doing wrong. Im unfortunately used to her doing that to me so i didnt let that part of it bother me. But when confronted with photo and reputable sources evidence and even texts she had sent talking about these things she still flat out denies it and says if any of it really happened then she must have been taken advantage of, or raped. My question is when a woman is that hooked to heroin do they sometimes sleep with dealers and do things otherwise they'd never do for their fix? Would it be legit to believe her when she says she doesnt even remember any of it. She was conscious from what ive been told but she says she knows nothing of any of it, no names, faces events, nothing. Could it be true that she was in a state of blackout but still awake and talking, driving, and living her life? People say im stupid to believe her but shes my wife and i want to think shes being honest. If shes lying to me thats what will hurt the most, the lies, because i can forgive the actions cause i k ow what a hold that stuff has on her. Sleeping with dealers years before ruined her first marriage, her ex never touched a drug and wasnt understanding or sympathetic to her whatsoever. I do understand what it can do to someone, but i dont know if i can believe her story of eing taken advantage of like that w no recollection whatsoever. I was only gone three weeks in jail, and i have pretty much confirmed 9 different dealers/middle men she slept with to get to more heroin. Does anyone have experience with this, or any woman here been in her situation and also feel they were taken advantage of too and they didnt even remember it? Please, any input will be helpful. Since she has been in jail ive really been struggling with this.
    Bev_Autow likes this.
  2. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    Hello, I'm a woman hooked snorting. I have never blacked out but if she was drinking too or doing other drugs that may have happened. She also may be too scared to tell you the truth. Have you told her it is the lies you hate and will forgive her for what she did?
    Are you both in a program now? Just being clean is not enough to get sober. If you can get counseling one on one and together she may tell the truth.
    I have a friend who combines the heroin with meth and he blacks out. People who really need a fix will do things they normally wouldn't.
    I'm new as well, just starting on the road to sobriety, but wanted to give you my thoughts.
    Good luck and I'm glad you are here.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Concernedhusband18 hello and welcome. i know a couple ex crack and heroin users who have been in recovery a long time. they'll flat out say they lied all the time to everyone. they lied so much they really thought the lies were truth. chances are she remembers some of the experiences. chances are she willingly did some of those things for a fix. i've heard a couple women share how they prostituted themselves for a fix. at the time, they felt no shame. they just needed a fix in a bad way.

    you're right in saying that the "real" her is lost somewhere... the disease of addiction has taken over. and that truly is a shame. still, at what point do you continue on with a toxic relationship and continue getting hurt? at what point do you really lay down some firm boundaries?

    have you thought about seeing a therapist? would be helpful to process with a trained professional.... in jail, did they offer you support for addiction? is she getting help?

    the thing is, you may never know the truth. that's reality. you can't control that, but you can control today and start thinking about how you want your future to look. i understand she's your wife and you love her. love isn't enough to sustain a relationship. it takes hard work and sometimes a lot of therapy and support. when she gets out, what do you want your life to look like? your marriage? your personal walk?

    know that we are here to support you however we can. i'm sure it's been tough, and that does stink. my prayer is that you can make a big shift and turn things around on all levels.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, @Concernedhusband18. I'm sorry to read about the struggles you and your wife have had, but I'm happy you found us and chose to reach out.

    All I can tell you is that addicts will do just about anything when they're desperate. If I had to guess, I'd say that your wife probably does remember what she did; she just doesn't want to admit that to you. But, of course, I could be wrong. I also know that addicts are the world's greatest liars. There's a saying I heard a long time ago that I frequently remember: An addict will steal your wallet and then help you look for it. It's all about getting that fix.

    I'm with @Dominica on this one. Yes, this woman is your wife. But you have to do some serious thinking about what you want to do with this relationship going forward. You need to establish some boundaries and stick to them. If your wife gets out of jail, is clean, stays clean, and you both live happily ever after, that would be great. But if things don't go that smoothly, you have to have an idea of how you want to proceed. I really think seeing a therapist and talking things out would do you a world of good. I know my therapist saved my life when I was dealing with my son's addiction and the problems it was causing in my life.

    I'm proud of you for getting and staying clean. And I hope things work out for you and your wife. Just remember that we're here for you, to provide help, support, or just a listening ear. We will always listen without judgment, too.

    I'm sending you lots of positive energy, and I will pray for your wife...and for you, too.
    Dominica likes this.
  5. jayninjaut

    jayninjaut Member

    My friend she won't even know what the truth is for a year it took me two years in prison to even come close to normal and then I turned back to it. So its ultimately your decision. Good Luck and PrAY
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  6. Bev_Autow

    Bev_Autow Member

    Dude you said yourself it's the addiction that got her all crazy , she was on her own in survival mode and she did what she had to do to get by without you around With you both clean the time of using doesn't get brought up much cos it don't work like that .
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  7. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    Hi there. I really hate what heroin addiction does to people. Addiction period, but heroin especially. I'm a long time iv heroin user. I've been clean now for a year. I'm also a very honest person. I'm very guarded and hate lies.
    Having said that during my years of heroin use (oxycontin too I guess) I lied about everything. Even things that didn't require a cover up. I would just lie. I was also on many other drugs throughout my using years and they didn't turn me into a liar.
    Heroin does that. I could be loaded with benzos and coke and id still tell he truth, or just not say anything.
    Add heroin to that shot though and I lied to the point of sounding insane. Like hey I just got back from the beach, tell all about the trip, and all I had done is run up to get beer. My friends actually were entertained by this. I think i, well I can't finish that sentence because I don't now what made me feel the need to do that.
    I dont know anybody that blacks out on heroin either. Booz, meth bender mabey. Not opiates. That I know of.
    My ex wife also did what she could to get what she wanted. Not only could I not trust her anymore, I had to consider the high possibility of me contracting something she brought home. I never shared needles and I've ever had an std. And brother I would advise you to take this into consideration also. Its kinda a big deal, there are some things you can't ever get rid of.
    If she's caught up in her habit this bad you aren't going to be able to change her no matter how hard you try. She can stop, but you can't do it for her.
    I used to not care about anything. Now I run from trouble, and I have found it saves me a lot of heartache in the long run.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Wise words, @Joshstillclean. Like Nar-Anon and Al-Anon teach us about our addicted loved ones: "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."