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Addiction, compulsion, or am I just a negative person?

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Hi_Im_Shawn, Apr 18, 2018.

  1. Hi_Im_Shawn

    Hi_Im_Shawn Member

    I have a long history of drug abuse that has gone back 25 years, to when I was just 12 years old. I've tried nearly all common recreational drugs, been hopelessly addicted to certain prescription drugs, and have now gone full circle to alcohol abuse (binge drinking) and abuse of prescription amphetamines (Adderall).

    I don't need to be intoxicated to get through the day. I have a prescription for Adderall which is currently the only "drug" (besides alcohol) that I have any interest in using. I started off using this as a means to be more productive, but now there is no question I abuse this drug to get high, AND be productive at the same time.

    Simply put, I like being able to work all day, drink and have sex all night. And then get up the next day and do it all over again. I also find myself telling these long elaborate lies when I am abusing adderall, making these ridiculous promises to people that even I know I have no intention of keeping. This is my current problem, I am really hoping I can find someone who can relate.

    Oh, I still smoke weed on occasion, just because I like it. This drug alone has never caused any real problems in my life, except for the fact that it is illegal.

    I have been to treatment in the early 2000's because I was seriously addicted to prescription painkillers. I have not touched an opiate of any kind since 2009, and the thought of doing so makes me sick to my stomach. I have used and abused LSD, MDMA, cocaine, meth, Xanax, to name a few. Keep in mind this spans a period of over 25 years. I have used all of the drugs I just mentioned so much that I honestly have zero interest in ever even trying them again. Been there, done that, obviously the cons outweighed the pros.

    I am currently within walking distance of more drugs than I can possibly consume (I live in a city well known as a major drug distribution hub, in a drug infested neighborhood, surrounded by drug dealers and users every single day), but have not had a drop of alcohol or any other drug for nearly 48 hours, just because I don't feel like being intoxicated.....right now.

    That could easily change at any minute though, and when I use, I do so in excess. In fact, I do everything in excess, and this has me thinking is addiction really my problem? Or am I a compulsive person?

    There is no such thing as "moderation" with me, in pretty much anything I do. I go from one extreme to the other, and have done so my entire life. This includes sex, which I am starting to realize is closely tied to my abuse of prescription amphetamines.

    I also am admittedly, an asshole. I am nice to people on the outside, but in all honesty I don't really care much about anyone except myself. I try to lie to myself sometimes and convince myself that I do care about others...but I know it's simply not true. It's all about me, literally everything I say and do has a selfish motive. Compassion, empathy, and similar words just have absolutely no meaning to me whatsoever. I will say this much however, I have never had a desire to hurt myself or anyone else, I just kinda wish everyone would GTFO of my way most of the time.

    I beat opiate addiction not through the 12 step program, but by having a serious heart to heart talk with myself. One day, sitting in rush hour big city traffic on my (very short) break from work, going to a dealer's house to buy 3 lortabs, I asked myself WTF am I doing? Do I have a broken leg, did I just have my wisdom teeth pulled, did I recently have a back injury? NO! So why the hell do I feel like I need to take prescription pain meds (expensive ones), just to get through the day? That is not what I call being a "man", it's a sign of weakness...and once I realized that I had a moment of clarity that has never ended (thankfully).

    Since then I have achieved a Bachelor of Science and have been working for a major industrial tech firm for the last 4 years.

    I am just not even sure where to begin telling my story, or how to conclude this introduction, I just hope I can find at least one person who understands me, even a little bit. All I am trying to do is nail down, once and for all....just what the hell my (root) problem is.

    Oh...and my name is Shawn.
  2. Missmomma8782

    Missmomma8782 Member

    Honestly I only read a few lines of this post and I would like to say first I have seen and experienced alcohol posioning when using adderalAso I'd try to stop that asap and if ur out having that much sex while popping Addy's and getting blitzed u may have a sex addiction as well my friend but I am a current neth user so no judgement on ur lifestyle only opinion and I wish I could get seemingly meanless chance to obtain a script for Adderall bc if I wasn't an opaiate addict for 11 yrs and then placed on Suboxone for that I would have my own script for Adderall to truly that add and not have to resort to being labeled as a meth head and put threw things u can't imagine bc of a simple script for vicodin so long ago try to take a moment as often as possible to stop and think about how someone having it worse than me and then I regather my shattered self so I can take care of and enjoy my family and friends and maybe even help another lost some like me remember that we're still here for a reason so just make the best of it u have been in the game 25+ yrs but it's crazy how we all still need guidance isn't it I know that I always get blown away by how much I deal with and still haven't hit the end lol so **** it smile and make the best of it
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Hi_Im_Shawn Ya your not the only one,I as well have a 20+ year past of addiction.I encourage you to read my story so you know a bit about myself,i would run it all down but i have posted it all over the place and kinda feel like an ass constantly throwing it on everyone else's thread.I have been addicted to every substance you have listed and a few other's.Yes amphetamines increase the pleasure of the end in sexual interactions and im willing to bet the climax sober is no where near as pleasureable,i get it it was my trap as well with uppers and that feeling of only careing about you definitely comes from year's of consistent use,i know i was very much the same,however I am now sober and have learned something interesting about myself.I truly care more than i knew i was capable of and have spent the better part of 3 days on this site expressing true concern.I advise attempting to get sober,yes you are going to come down take a 3 day weekend and eat and sleep.When you wake up find something to do after work that isn't drinking or having 3 hour sex every night,im not saying give up sex but manage it,the feeling is never going to be the same if you are going at it everyday,try every other day to increase the excitement sober and after about a year the pleasure evens out although you will never have the same staying power,like the 3 hour deal goes down to about an hour but it is more meaningful because sober you will actually start to enjoy the feeling of caring how others feel.I know from experience try it
    Dominica likes this.