I have a long history of drug abuse that has gone back 25 years, to when I was just 12 years old. I've tried nearly all common recreational drugs, been hopelessly addicted to certain prescription drugs, and have now gone full circle to alcohol abuse (binge drinking) and abuse of prescription amphetamines (Adderall). I don't need to be intoxicated to get through the day. I have a prescription for Adderall which is currently the only "drug" (besides alcohol) that I have any interest in using. I started off using this as a means to be more productive, but now there is no question I abuse this drug to get high, AND be productive at the same time. Simply put, I like being able to work all day, drink and have sex all night. And then get up the next day and do it all over again. I also find myself telling these long elaborate lies when I am abusing adderall, making these ridiculous promises to people that even I know I have no intention of keeping. This is my current problem, I am really hoping I can find someone who can relate. Oh, I still smoke weed on occasion, just because I like it. This drug alone has never caused any real problems in my life, except for the fact that it is illegal. I have been to treatment in the early 2000's because I was seriously addicted to prescription painkillers. I have not touched an opiate of any kind since 2009, and the thought of doing so makes me sick to my stomach. I have used and abused LSD, MDMA, cocaine, meth, Xanax, to name a few. Keep in mind this spans a period of over 25 years. I have used all of the drugs I just mentioned so much that I honestly have zero interest in ever even trying them again. Been there, done that, obviously the cons outweighed the pros. I am currently within walking distance of more drugs than I can possibly consume (I live in a city well known as a major drug distribution hub, in a drug infested neighborhood, surrounded by drug dealers and users every single day), but have not had a drop of alcohol or any other drug for nearly 48 hours, just because I don't feel like being intoxicated.....right now. That could easily change at any minute though, and when I use, I do so in excess. In fact, I do everything in excess, and this has me thinking is addiction really my problem? Or am I a compulsive person? There is no such thing as "moderation" with me, in pretty much anything I do. I go from one extreme to the other, and have done so my entire life. This includes sex, which I am starting to realize is closely tied to my abuse of prescription amphetamines. I also am admittedly, an asshole. I am nice to people on the outside, but in all honesty I don't really care much about anyone except myself. I try to lie to myself sometimes and convince myself that I do care about others...but I know it's simply not true. It's all about me, literally everything I say and do has a selfish motive. Compassion, empathy, and similar words just have absolutely no meaning to me whatsoever. I will say this much however, I have never had a desire to hurt myself or anyone else, I just kinda wish everyone would GTFO of my way most of the time. I beat opiate addiction not through the 12 step program, but by having a serious heart to heart talk with myself. One day, sitting in rush hour big city traffic on my (very short) break from work, going to a dealer's house to buy 3 lortabs, I asked myself WTF am I doing? Do I have a broken leg, did I just have my wisdom teeth pulled, did I recently have a back injury? NO! So why the hell do I feel like I need to take prescription pain meds (expensive ones), just to get through the day? That is not what I call being a "man", it's a sign of weakness...and once I realized that I had a moment of clarity that has never ended (thankfully). Since then I have achieved a Bachelor of Science and have been working for a major industrial tech firm for the last 4 years. I am just not even sure where to begin telling my story, or how to conclude this introduction, I just hope I can find at least one person who understands me, even a little bit. All I am trying to do is nail down, once and for all....just what the hell my (root) problem is. Oh...and my name is Shawn.