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Admitted to using cocaine

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by L_B, Dec 13, 2015.

  1. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    My spouse admitted to be last night that he has been using cocaine for over a year now. I had my suspicions but I didn't know what was his drug of choice. He had a problem with it in the past. I felt sick to my stomachs when he told me. I thought we could work things out with his alcohol addiction but now I just feel numb. I am so disappointed in him. He needs to get help and he needs to get it now. Am I wrong to just want to give up on him, to just walk away? I know he needs my love and support but mentally and physically I don't feel I can do it. I feel anger, hurt, confusion....I've been crying since he told me. I just feel emotionally exhausted. He has made life hell for so long. I just don't understand addiction.
  2. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    I am really sorry to hear about the struggles, and pain you're currently going through. I know you feel very hurt, hopeless, and just want to give up on him now, but if he told you about his drug addiction, maybe he's now ready to seek help, and change his life for the better. Give him another chance. Try to support, and encourage him towards recovery.
    Rainman likes this.
  3. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    @dyanmarie25 is right. Now isn't the time to give up on your husband. You could be feeling upset at the moment because you didn't expect him to be using cocaine but the fact that he has admitted he's been using the drug could be the cry for help which you need to heed. Stand by him and do whatever you can to help.

    “The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.”
    ― Franklin D. Roosevelt
  4. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I will! I am disappointed but I will do whatever it takes to help him even if it means sacrificing my own health. I cried all day yesterday and feel emotionally drained today but I will get back up and keep fighting. When we talked he told me he would start going to his meetings again. His meeting was last night. He didn't go, he stayed home and got drunk instead. He could have even brought more drugs. He has no money but I know his drug dealer will bring him his drugs right to the door and get his money when he gets paid. I use to wonder why when I went shopping I would come back and he would be wasted but yet he didn't have a car to go anywhere or any money. It all makes sense to me now. I only found out because Friday night I heard him on the phone at 2 am saying "I will meet you out front." The person called back when they got there and he said he had to go out to our car and get something. I am in an apartment building so I couldn't see where he went. I didn't confront him then because he was out of it and it wouldn't have been a safe thing to do. I asked him the next day. He lied and continued to lie until I came right out and told him what I suspected and what I knew. That is when he told me. I have a grand daughter who stays over a few days a week and it upsets me that he has drug dealers coming to our place with her there! If my daughter ever found out I would never ever see my grand daughter again!
    Jasmine2015 and Rainman like this.
  5. Dwayneu

    Dwayneu Community Champion

    @L_B, I am very sorry to hear that. I've been reading your other posts around the forum and it sounds like you are exhausted and in need of help. Does your spouse have any other family or non-drinking/drug friends that are available to reach out to and ask for support? I am sure there is good in him, because it is the person you fell in love with and decided to spend your life with him, but it's such a shame that he is gripped by this demon. I've been in the same situation and I used to manipulate and lie people around me all the time, and it's something I regret immensely because I disappointed so many people, but my current partner helped me through with it and I decided to get better and stay clean for us, she has been a support system to me and I lied even to her in the beginning but she never gave up on me.
  6. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I will never give up on him, as exhausted as I am. Some day he may realize just how much I do love him. He has nobody else but me. Everybody else in his family have walked away and the only friends he really has are all users and alcoholics. I won't be another one who turns my back. I have been through it all the lies, the cheating, the stealing, the abuse and I stood beside him. I have been there to pick him up after a night in lock up and I was there to pick him up when he served 30 days in jail. I fought for him when others said terrible things about him. I even went against my own family and now have a strained relationship with my son because of him. My son and I will never have the close relationship we once had because he doesn't like the way I am being treated and he thinks that I deserve better. He told be that as long as we are together he will never step a foot in my place ever again. If I want to see him and my grandson I have to go to his place but even then it is like we are strangers, nothing like the mother son relationship we had when he was growing up. I wasn't even invited to my son's wedding when all other family members were. I have been there for my husband when others have choose to walk away. I have seen his tears, his anger and yes his good side. There is a good man in there, the one I feel in love with and the one I still love but he is lost and he needs help. There is nothing I would like more then to see him get that help. He knows where to find it, he has been down that road before. I will see him through this even if it kills me do so!
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2015
  7. kassie1234

    kassie1234 Community Champion

    You're a strong woman, @L_B. I don't think you would be unjustified in walking away, since I believe everyone has their limits and it's entirely up to the individual as to how much they can tolerate. I do think he is lucky to have someone so willing to stick by him as hard as it is. I hope it's enough for him to see reason.
  8. pwarbi

    pwarbi Community Champion

    People don't seem to understand that with an addiction it affects everybody and not just the addict. Sometimes it affects the people around them even more, and I know that from personal experience.

    Sticking by him is obviously the right thing to do, but at the same time you have to look after yourself aswell. Sometimes in order to support the addict, you yourself will also need support and so that's worth looking into to see if you can find a place to turn for if and when you need it also.
  9. deewanna

    deewanna Senior Contributor

    You are really going through a lot and I am deeply sorry to hear that. The most important right now is that you mustn't give up on him. This is very important because whatever you do now will go a long way in helping him. As others have stated, you just need to stick with him and be strong for the both of you.
  10. Mayoress

    Mayoress Active Contributor

    I'm deeply sorry to hear about what you are going through right now and all the things that is to come. You are definitely going to face some hard times and you need to be really strong for your partner. What he needs the most is for you to be there. Don't judge him, just try and find ways to deal with all of these and you two would be fine. And please take care of yourself.
    L_B likes this.
  11. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    Well, it seems like you love him so much to the point that you are being alienated from your family. I do hope that things will improve with your husband's recovery, because at this point it seems like things are going really bad, so it is just right that you stand by him to give him your full support no matter what.
  12. doatk22

    doatk22 Community Champion

    Is he open to the option of getting help? Because it'd make it easier to stick it out with him if he actaully wanted to get help. But if he's uncaring about it, then you must make a decision. I know that is hard and I'm sorry you're going through that. I hope it all works out.
  13. Nergaahl

    Nergaahl Community Champion

    You may support him if he wants to get help. Who knows, maybe he is desperate and really needs a hand he could grab, but doesn't know how to ask for it. Admitting being addicted is usually the first sign that someone wants to get clean. Try to talk to him when he is sober and see which options there are.
  14. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I tried talking to him when he was sober and he told me that he wasn't ready to talk about it right now. He said he would talk to me when he was ready. He has not mentioned it since but his behavior has not changed.
  15. Jasmine2015

    Jasmine2015 Community Champion

    You have gone through so much. I'd say you are one tough cookie. I am concerned for you as well as the grandchild because your husband could put her in danger and not know it. Now a days people do all kinds of things and the next time the drug dealer comes by who's to say that things will go smoothly before he leaves? Please be careful.
  16. ellyjude

    ellyjude Active Contributor

    Real men do not keep secrets from people they love. I'm glad your spouse made it clear to you rather than you finding out yourself. Since he trusts you more than most of the people around him then you have the responsibility to help him quit the addiction. Good luck.
  17. deewanna

    deewanna Senior Contributor

    The fact that he has admitted to using it means that you are moving forward. The next thing you both need to do is to talk about it. Whenever he's ready to talk make sure you both understand each other very well. The only way you can continue to stay by his side is if he is ready to get help. He needs to understand that he is helpless right now and needs all the help he can get.
  18. deewanna

    deewanna Senior Contributor

    You are absolutely correct. I always believe that the greatest of motivations comes from me. I have to motivate myself first. If I keep expecting other people to motivate and encourage me, how will I survive the hardest of times when it is impossible for anyone to motivate me. I always tell myself that I need to make myself happy at all times. What I do is to engage in activities that makes me happy, activities that I am very good at. This way I am always happy and stay motivated.
  19. irishrose

    irishrose Community Champion

    I am sorry to hear that you have to go through all of this, I cannot imagine the amount of stress and strain your spouse's cocaine use has put on your relationship. It is great of you to support him and care for him. Continue to encourage him to get help. Seek out help yourself even if he is not ready, such as attending local Narcotics Anonymous meetings can help connect you with resources in your area that might be worth looking in to for him.

    As for spending time with your granddaughter, as difficult as it may be to tell your daughter, perhaps it would be safest if the granddaughter did not visit until your spouse gets his addiction under control. As a parent, if I found out that my babysitter knowingly had drug users and drug dealers in and around the home, I would avoid sending my child there. If I found out after the fact that my babysitter knew about it, I would most likely be livid. It may be a difficult decision, but honesty is the best policy when dealing with someone else's kids.