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Advice on how to deal with mom's boyfriend who is a addict!

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Friend' started by Raven2, Jul 26, 2019.

  1. Raven2

    Raven2 Member

    I am kinda at my limit with this. My mom had a ex husband that I guess is now a boyfriend that is coming around again. I am not sure what to do. I live on her property in a house of my own. So I feel that I shouldn't voice I dont want him there. Let me back up and maybe give some back story. The somewhat short story is my mom divorced my father after 30 years do to a sudden addiction he had. Well after that remarried once then again to the current person. In the 4 years maybe he has stolen and pawned stuff that was my father's and at the time my dying grandmothers. He was sent to jail but made a deal to pay my brother back the stuff he stole of my dad's, my dad had past away a year earlier. Well to say mom stayed with him and then came back from wherever he was working saying he was abusive or pushing her into getting very angry. Well after that there was a break back together he has always moved back into her house and not worked when he has welding qualifications. At least what she says. On the second break up it was bad taking her truck obsessive behavior and after we got her truck back I found drug items. I would guess at that time meth. Well got back together and basically same story not working but doing things around the house. After maybe a month or so same behavior always right loud obsessive even if I was talking to my mom. Eventually he took her truck again we get it back and for meth and in a shed on the property drug items. Now after maybe 3 or 4 months in jail he is back talking with her saying he is working is going through court counciling it was ever Saturday but he is at the house ever Saturday. I guess I am needing advice on how to handle this? I dont believe he could be helped with just 3 or 4 months of jail and maybe a month of counciling and at least for a month if the jail term he constantly called my mom. I have brought up some of my concerns to her but I am then labeled as tring to rule her life and not giving him a chance. What should I do I try to just ignore it but I just get so angry.
  2. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @Raven2 hello and welcome. This is hard but I think you may just have to let go and be there for her to help her pick up the pieces. If he gets help and stays clean, wonderful, but if not you know from experience she won't listen to you. Love is a tricky thing and you just need to protect yourself. Keep coming here for support. I'm sure others will post soon.
    deanokat likes this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I'm so sorry, I can't give my advice on this one because it may get me banned but know I'm praying for you and her.She has to realize people who spend time consistently in jail master Manipulation and that's why those phone calls started a month before his release,he was making sure he had her already on stand by.I know what I would do but can't say it.

    Joshstillclean and deanokat like this.
  4. Raven2

    Raven2 Member

    Thank you for your reply. I guess I came here somewhat to see if I wasnt insane with how I was feeling. She some times makes me feel I shouldn't even question. Kinda like I did this morning. I found he took a tool box yes he traded something for it so technically was his but i also knew he had stuff in it i bought. After she said yes he took and I respond with I believe some stuff I bought was in there she gets mad says something I couldn't hear and said she would talk to him. But the way she acted was more mad because I just didn't blindly trust him. He already starting stuff is missing but he puts stuff to only he knows were it is. So I guess I happy I am not crazy. Sometimes I feel I am in the wrong to even question.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Raven2... Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing with us. I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're going through with your mom and her gentleman friend, but I'm glad you reached out. I want to assure you that you are NOT crazy. What you are is a person with a big heart who loves his mom. And who hates to see her in the situation she's in. There's NOTHING wrong with that. But I think @DoxyMom hit the nail on the head when she suggested that you may just have to let go. As much as the situation bothers you, you can't control your mom and her life. I know you wish things were different, but the only person you can control is YOU. So I suggest that you try your best to focus on your life and self-care.

    Maybe sit down with your mom and tell her (again) why you're concerned. But let her know that you are going to let her make her own decisions and figure things out on her own. And that if she needs you for support or help, that you will be there for her.

    I also think it might be a good idea for you to see a therapist. Talking things like this out with a professional can be truly liberating. I would love for you to free yourself from this situation.

    We're here for you, my friend. Anytime you need to, just reach out and lean on us.
    Joshstillclean and True concern like this.