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Advice required in Sunny (yes Sunny) England. Reaching out to my American friends and allies

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by UK Shaun, Sep 27, 2018.

  1. UK Shaun

    UK Shaun Member

    Hi Guys

    Hope you’re all good.
    I am Shaun and I live in the UK (near Brighton on the south coast).

    I am 46 years old and married to a beautiful woman, and I have a daughter who is 14 and of course I love them both dearly.

    Please bear with me as this is my first post.

    I am taking Coke every day at the moment and I hate myself for it.

    I have now racked up £5k debt so was looking to find a “buddy” as I take my first day into giving up this **** that will ruin my life if I don’t quit NOW.

    Maybe just a couple of people in a similar situation as me, who we can lean on and help each other through the cravings, especially when I am just at the point of calling my dealer.

    I have a good job (elevator consultant) and work from home a lot.

    This is part of the problem, as i am an extrovert and love talking to people so I get bored and even a little lonely which is a major trigger.

    This is when i need support and somebody telling me “don’t do it”

    I am so sick of lying about how much I am doing (my wife and I have been weekend users for many years) but she doesn’t know that I have been addidcted for about a year now, which is killing me inside as i lie to her when she asks me during the week days “have you done a line?” She knows me so well and can spot it straight away, but as she thinks that I would never use during the week, she believes me when I lie to her face that I haven’t done any.

    The guilt of this is reducing me to tears when i am on my own as this evil **** is making me dishonest to the most special person in my life.

    I am assuming that others may have gone through this too.

    What is the best (I know everyone is different so there hopefully will be a selection of ideas that I could pick and use to suit my personality, to get through the first few days x

    Good luck everyone..let’s do this!!

  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the forum, @UK Shaun. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with a cocaine addiction, but I'm happy that you are wanting to overcome it.

    I don't have any personal experience with coke, but I hope someone who does will weigh in and give you some tips. In a perfect world, I think going to a medically supervised detox program would be the best thing, but if that's something you can't do, I understand.

    Try not to hate yourself, okay? You're not a bad person; you're a sick person. Addiction is a disease, not some kind of moral failing. And as far as the guilt you're feeling goes, maybe consider being honest with your wife and asking for her support. That might be tough, but it might also rid you of a lot of stress. Just a thought.

    I'm sending you a lot of positive energy, hope, and encouragement. You can do this if you set your mind to it. I know you can. It won't be easy, but I guarantee it will be incredibly worth it.

    We're here for you. If you need support or a place to get things off your chest, come back anytime.

    P.S. Hey, @True concern... Do you have any words of wisdom for @UK Shaun?
    True concern likes this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @UK Shaun hello and welcome! thanks for reaching out. i'm glad you want to stop using coke.... as far as a recovery path, what are your options? what options are you willing to try? a treatment center? (inpatient or outpatient), a support group, an addiction specialist? there are various things you can try to "recover" from this addiction.

    and dean is right. you're not bad... you're sick... you have an addiction. but the good news is that addiction can be addressed and you can recover, but it will take some hard work and diligence on your part.

    throw yourself into learning about addiction recovery. reach out for help from a professional.... and keep your chin up! and remember, we are here!
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @UK Shaun I'm going to be honest with you, please do not take any of this personal as I was exactly where you are and now after nearly 20 of marriage I wake up every morning looking for my family as I constantly dream someone is hurting them,usually it takes me about 15-20 secs before I realize they are not here,but her is the life that awaits you if you don't stop...Try to imagine hearing there voice ,full of fear,and scarred to death to wake up and look for people who you no longer live with,then let it sink in that possibly such a recurring dream is pain you caused after you forced their hand and they kicked you out knowing for the rest of your life all you had to do was STOP GETTING HIGH....that my friend is he'll on earth.I never physically hurt any of them..never would and they know I would end someone's life if they did and the hard part is knowing I wouldn't be there to stop it now,I would have to hear about it after,as if I need any more reason to hate myself. This dream haunts me to the point I sleep fully clothed every night just in case they call in danger I can be there in ten minutes, but the reality is they never call,the only time I hear their voices is in my sleep.I was a never gonna stop until death type of addict but this site got me sober for 7.5 month's until about a month ago I fuc*ed it off for one day and here I am again filled with guilt and self hatred,only difference is I will not let it destroy me again,yes I lost over half a year but now I have a goal to beat so I'm going to push forward and win this fight of addiction and you can too.Look in the mirror in the bathroom by yourself, don't just look...stare into your own eye's, try to see beyond the self hate and guilt you will see a man about to lose it all,recognize that site before you see what I see,a man that's lost it all.You can change,find your favorite picture of your wife,the one that makes your heart sing and keep it with you through out the week and every time you almost do a line stare at that picture as if it is the only way you will ever see her again if you keep doing that sh*t that only wants everything you've got and if you allow it,who knows you may one day only hear their voices in your sleep and I promise you my friend....That is pure torture.Stay Strong and God Bless You can beat this,you must beat this,Take Care
    deanokat likes this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Hey, @UK Shaun... How are you doing today? If you have a chance, check in with us and let us know. Hope it's still sunny over there! :)
    Dominica and True concern like this.