An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the DrugAbuse.com Forums?Join or

Again....

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by L_B, Aug 3, 2015.

  1. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    It was a long weekend here so he has been drunk since Friday night and he is still drunk and by the end of the evening it will be worse. I got to thinking what somebody said on my last post, perhaps she was right. Perhaps I don't love him enough because I enable him. He has his own money, he buys beer and fireball if I told him not too he would freak. Deep down I guess I fear him. I don't want to upset him but he gets upset anyway. I don't know what to do anymore. I am tired of crying, I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of my life and being me. I wish I could just crawl under a rock and never have to come out. How can I love him if I enable him? I guess I don't love him or care about him at all. I have failed him when all I ever wanted to do was help him. Perhaps his life would be better off without me in it. I definitely don't bring out the best in him.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @L_B...

    I'm sorry it's been a bad weekend, but don't be too hard on yourself. It's my belief that we enable people when we DO love them. Because we love them so much, we want to make their lives easier and comfortable. It's just that enabling just allows the problem to continue. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

    It also makes me sad that you said you fear your partner. That's no way for anyone to live. You're hurting and you fear the person who is supposed to make you the most comfortable. This may sound harsh, but perhaps your life would be better off without him in it. Remember that YOU are the most important person in your life. You deserve happiness and I hope you are able to find it.

    Sending you hugs and positive vibes.
    Rainman and gracer like this.
  3. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Thanks for your reply...I believe you are right.
    deanokat likes this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @L_B... Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing.

    We're here for support any time you need it.
  5. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    Hi @L_B. I can feel that you're in so much pain and disappointment right now but as what @deanokat said, don't be too hard on yourself. I know that you truly deeply love him because you have managed to stay by his side despite of all his misgivings and hurtful ways. The more we love, the more we are willing to be hurt for the ones we love, even if it means having to lose ourselves in the process. And that is how I see you, I see you as someone who has given so much love that you are willing to sacrifice a lot for the one you love.

    Never ever blame yourself for his situation because you were not the one who brought him into that situation. It was him who chose that path and it can only be him who can remove himself from that path. He is lucky to have you as a support system by his side and you should know that. You are a picture of strength and courage and you deserve to be commended for being such a strong woman.

    You are important and you matter a lot. Never ever look down on yourself and never feel unfit for anything because you are a wonderful being and a wonderful partner for him.

    LB, know that we are just here for you if you ever need to vent out your feelings or just talk to someone. :)
    Winterybella, deanokat and L_B like this.
  6. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    OP, if you are certain that you are enabling your SO then you need to leave him for a little while. Make him choose what he loves more — is it alcohol or you. Tell him you are leaving because of his addiction that there's only one way to get you back into his life. You'll need to be firm because most people would try to manipulate you [make you] feel guilty for leaving.

    This won't be easy but trust me you don't want to spend the rest of your life with an addict who has no intention of changing. This test will get you the answers you need.
    L_B likes this.
  7. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Thanks once again everybody for all the support. Tonight we are sitting down and having a talk. I am hoping I can be firm about it. If it doesn't work I am going to start planning my out. I know I can't live like this the rest of my life. The last little while has been hell and I know it won't get better unless I make some changes. We shall see. Thanks again I appreciate your words.
    deanokat and Rainman like this.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @L_B... Just wondering how your talk went. If you don't mind letting us know, please do. But if you'd rather keep it private, I totally understand. Just know that I am thinking about you and sending you positive vibes and hugs.
  9. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    L_B please. I urge you not to beat yourself up. You are not the problem here and love with all it's complexities is hard to understand. From where I sit I believe you care very deeply about this man and in some quarters that's what love is about. Granted, love can be blind at times but this just seems to be an all too familiar situation where you can't reach the person you are so desperately trying to help. The bigger problem is that often you end up hurting yourself.

    Perhaps it's time to take a step back and take care of you as difficult as it may be. I won't for one minute encourage you to give up on your love but sometimes we just have to save ourselves before we try to save others. If you have to crawl under that figurative rock to save yourself, just know that we will be right there with you supporting you to the extent that we can.
    deanokat likes this.
  10. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Thanks deanokat and Winterybella. I do love this man more then any man I have ever loved in my life. Through the week when he's not drinking, you couldn't ask for a better man. We did sit down and talk and it was a bit uncomfortable and I was nervous because I didn't know the reaction I would get. I gave him the ultimatum that it was either the booze or me because he couldn't have both. He agreed to start going back to his meetings but I am not sure when. He promised me he wouldn't drink this weekend. I am prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt but I won't really know until the weekend arrives. I am not ready to give up on him yet but I do realize that I need to take care of me and my health. I can't let this consume me. I am just taking one day at a time for now and time will tell where it goes. I mentioned counselling again but he, for some reason, doesn't think it will help. I know it would but I will let that rest for now. Anyway, thanks for asking and I will keep you posted!
    deanokat likes this.
  11. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @L_B... Thanks for the update. It's great that you had a discussion with him, even if it was a little uncomfortable. I hope he sticks to his promises. Be sure to keep taking care of you, and don't allow yourself to become addicted to his addiction. Sending you positive, healing vibes. :)
    L_B likes this.
  12. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    That you were able to have a sit down chat is commendable. There are relationships where even that is impossible. I like to hold tightly to the positives even if slight. It spells hope and I am hopeful that the weekend will work out well. Keep taking care of you and maybe in the end you will be able to take care of each other. Love is such a scarce commodity these days I believe you should hold on to it when you find it. I hope he holds on to you and your love. I am praying for progress.
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2015
  13. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Well that was short lived came home after a long day of work to him drunk on beer and fireball. He helped the neighbor out with some job and the money the neighbor gave him he went straight to the liquor store. My grand daughter is here with me so I can't really say anything or there will be a scene. She doesn't need to see that. She has seen far too much lately. My grand daughter and I headed out for the evening. Don't know where I am going but I can't stay here. My heart is broken and another part of me has just died.
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2015
  14. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @L_B... I'm sorry that happened. I truly am. You're doing a good thing by avoiding confrontation while you have your granddaughter. That's a smart decision. Maybe he needs a serious wake-up call. Is there anywhere you could go stay for a few days? Like maybe a relative's house? Just thinking out loud. Know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Also sending virtual hugs.
  15. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Again?!!?? I too am sorry to hear and my heart aches for you. I've been dealing with some issues of late and sometimes I feel so broken myself. Don't we just wish there was a simple solution sometimes? Sadly life is not that way and we have to role with the mental punches and still keep ourselves sane. Deanokat offered a good suggestion. Is there somewhere where you can just escape for a while and give me some time to come to the reality that you won't put up with this forever? That wake up call that Deanokat spoke about in his post seems to be way past due.

    L_B you have been doing so much for the one you love but I think it's time you did something for you. This quote I found is timely.
    "I'm lost in space and I want to find a way home. Nobody else can get me back to the planet, so I have to do it myself.”
    Susan Vaught, Going Underground
    I want you to find your way to happiness. You deserve it.
    deanokat likes this.
  16. mooray

    mooray Active Contributor

    The hardest thing to do is to love someone who does not love himself. Sometimes people don't know what they have until its gone. You may tell him a million to stop drinking but if you won't show him how serious you are, then he will never change.
    deanokat and Winterybella like this.
  17. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    I completely agree with what you are saying here Mooray. Sometimes people are not taken seriously when they don't take a stand and this is something I need to think about in my own life as well. Then you spoke about him loving himself and that's something L has to take into account as well. I concur with everything you have brought to the table here.

    Welcome to the forum by the way Mooray.
    mooray and deanokat like this.
  18. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Hello there @L_B! I am sorry to hear that things are not going well with you and this man. I think you already had enough of him. I know you truly love this person, but it's very clear to see that this person doesn't care much about you since he just wouldn't change. I don't know if it's still a good idea to stick to him. I really believe that you deserve something better than this.
    deanokat and L_B like this.
  19. amethyst

    amethyst Community Champion

    L_B, inside yourself you know what to do. In your quiet moments, you can hear your inner voice talking to you and telling you what you should be focusing on. It's difficult when you feel constantly drained from crying, worrying, and hoping that things will improve, but take one step at a time. Deep within yourself make a decision to stop getting hurt by this man, and notice how things will slowly start falling into place. You will know where to go and what to do. Also, suddenly the "right kind" of people will come into your life and help you along the way.
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2015
    deanokat and L_B like this.
  20. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Thank you once again. I am slowly beginning to come around with my thinking. The drinking has happened a number of times since I last posted so I know no matter how badly I want change it isn't going to happened anytime soon. I am starting to distance myself for my own sanity. So whenever he drinks I leave the house and come back when I think he may be passed out. I am not staying around for it any longer. I can't! Every time I come from work and he is drunk my heart breaks a little more. I can't help him until he is willing to want help and at this point he doesn't want it. The alcohol is far more important to him then I am or ever will be. A good relationship should bring out the best in each other and that just isn't happening in ours. I am going to just stay focused and work out a plan and then things will start falling into place. You people are such an awesome support for me.
    deanokat likes this.