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Alcoholic dad and crazy mom

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by Parassd, Jan 20, 2015.

  1. Parassd

    Parassd Active Contributor

    My dad's an alcoholic. He never really admits it but he is. He becomes very moody under the influence of alcohol. My mom starts abusing him when he comes back home drunk, and sometimes things get nasty when dad retaliates. I'm afraid of facing him and telling him the truth. My mom isn't so understanding. God knows the way she thinks. She had a lot of mood swings, she nags a lot, she looks for short cuts in life, she can't really help my dad quit. In fact sometimes i think she's the reason he's addicted to it so much. The main problem is that i'm the one who's suffering, especially after my elder brother moved to college. I'm afraid of moving out because i don't know what might happen at home in my absence. My mom can't control her mouth and her brain. If she provokes my dad, especially when he's drunk.... I don't even wanna think about it.
    What would you do?
  2. AFKATafcar

    AFKATafcar Community Champion

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Parassd. I honestly don't know what you should do, and the situation sounds pretty complicated. I'd recommend talking to someone else in your family, perhaps your older brother. You shouldn't have to keep going on this particular path, though, because it does seem like things are affecting you far more than your parents.
  3. Parassd

    Parassd Active Contributor

    Thanks a lot man, but my brother is least bothered. He has never taken any tension on himself, always ran away from his problems and pushed them on someone else. All other family members can't really do much, the option they could provide me is to move out and stay with them. I'm afraid of moving out, my mom says she's too much in love with dad so she won't leave him. As you can see, things are kinda complicated. What makes it worse is that my dad is unemployed at the moment and we live by borrowing money from other people. When my mom's salary comes from work, it's enough to only pay half of those debts. It's frustrating for me, because my mom talks to me about it and condemns my dad, it's like she tries takes out all of her frustrations out by venting to me.
  4. LostmySis

    LostmySis Senior Contributor

    This is not so far from a typical dynamic in an alcoholic family. The first thing you need to do is contact an ala-non or ala-teen group in your area... or even online. You need to understand that you are not alone, and that other families are similar.

    The second thing you need to understand is that your parents problems, including the addiction, their fighting, and their debts are THEIR problems, not yours. Spouses of addicts/alcoholics often feel isolated from others (they do not want to go to family functions because of the embarrassment, or answer questions)... and that is why she feels she only has you to talk to. Chances are, if you moved out, she will then see you as an outsider because you are no longer inside the immediate dynamic---she will want to put up the front to you the same way she does with others.

    All of you are in a tough situation. You did not say how old you are, but my honest opinion--- Go to college. With your dad unemployed, you will probably qualify for a Pell Grant and some other grants to help you pay. You should be out enjoying your life with "kid" problems such as dating, friends, and school--- not bills, fighting and marriages.

    Good luck, and I know how you feel. I left my family at 18.. and left my younger brother there. I still to this day feel guilty because I see how that affected him. The best thing to do is get out of that toxic environment if you can. Ask family for help, talk to some school counselors, and never feel guilty about wanting to live a calm life.
    Charli and Parassd like this.
  5. Parassd

    Parassd Active Contributor

    ^Thank you, so much for that. I'm gonna open this forum and read this everytime I feel down :D
    and as for my age, I'm in last year of high school.In fact, my final examinations start next year. And my entrances exams for colleges come right after that.
  6. Parassd

    Parassd Active Contributor

    Here in India, I don't think we have such grants like the one you mentioned. Fucking third world country. Plus the competition is so much, I compete against 500,000 other deserving for getting a worthwhile college. With this constant anxiety, it's gonna be tough getting to a good college
  7. muthoni

    muthoni Active Contributor

    You should not be afraid to move out and live your life. Your parents have been married for a long time and they know how they relate. They could not have stayed together if they did not want to be together. I have discovered that we need to live our own lives because they are living theirs. Your mom and dad will be fine.
  8. DancingLady

    DancingLady Community Champion

    When you are an adult, you have the right to choose to move out. Your parents need to deal with their issues, not vent on you about them. If they don't want help, you can't really help them. Your departure from the household may actually force them to face reality more than they have been, but whatever happens, you are not responsible for their choices, they are.
    Charli likes this.
  9. gmckee1985

    gmckee1985 Senior Contributor

    Sorry to hear this is what you have to deal with on a regular basis. No child should have to be raised in an environment like this. Just try to remain strong and handle your school work and stay out of trouble. The situation won't last forever. Some adults are just broken people. It's important to remember that it's not your fault. Just try and make sure things don't turn violent.
  10. karmaskeeper

    karmaskeeper Community Champion

    That is so sad to hear. I really feel for you, but you can't carry that burden by yourself. You have a life to live, and it's not your place to keep the peace with your parents. One day you will want to move out. You should have a long talk with your mother about her actions toward your father. Also do the same with him about his drinking when he is sober. Explain how it makes you feel. Open up to them, and try to make them understand that you feel responsible for the outcome.
  11. Parassd

    Parassd Active Contributor

    I think you got me wrong. I don't feel responsible for the outcome, I feel responsible for controlling the outcome. Besides I've already had talks with them. I'm just plain frustrated now. I don't have a friend who genuinely cares, y'know, everybody is busy with their own lives, sometimes I feel like why do I bother going out of my way to help others when others don't even think to reciprocate when I need them nor do they appreciate what I do for them.
  12. karmaskeeper

    karmaskeeper Community Champion

    I totally understand how that feels. I have felt the same way myself when it comes to so called friends. Well at least here you can find some sense of understanding. Most people here can relate in one way or another. I certainly know how it feels to grow up with a drunk father, and my mama well bless her heart she was no picnic either, but she tried.
  13. Parassd

    Parassd Active Contributor

    Thanks a lot man, it's great to have some empathy instead of sympathy. :)
    I feel a whole lot better after joining this forum. It's great to know you're not the only one and there are people who've been through tougher **** and gotten through it, happy and sane. :D
    karmaskeeper likes this.
  14. karmaskeeper

    karmaskeeper Community Champion

    I agree I enjoy posting here. I love reading other peoples post and knowing how they feel. Having lived through a lot of the same stuff makes me glad that my life wasn't the only one effected by addiction. This place is a home away from home for me.
  15. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    I am glad you are laughing now. When I read your first post I was lost as to how to advise you. I even started to wonder if I could be that mom that drives the husband to the bottle. I am not quite that bothersome though. Well I hope not.

    I am glad you are enjoying the forum. It's a good place to vent, share and get some helpful suggestions on dealing with issues. You come here and realise you are not alone. Hang tough.
  16. kjonesm1

    kjonesm1 Community Champion

    Your story is heart breaking because I can see myself in your story, my ex husband was an alcoholic and my response sounds so similar to the way your mothers is. I am so grateful I left my ex because my children would have been in the same situation you are in. You need to find a way out of that toxic environment. Do you have family you can stay with? Find a roommate, find a job, a halfway place. Anything has got to be better than the situation you are in.
  17. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Sorry to know about your situation cause definitely it is not easy to have parents like that.
    I think try talking to your dad when he was not drunk or under the influence of alcohol. Right that maybe your mother could be the cause of your dad's into alcohol but your dad's being alcoholic could also be the reason of your mother's nagging and behaving like that. Maybe try to talk to your mom or dad, or whoever you think you can approach better and tell that it was affecting you a lot seeing them like that. Or ask help for elder relatives to talk to them.
  18. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    I've read through most of the posts here and I think the suggestions are great, as well as the messages of support. Personally, I think there's no better solution than to find a way to get some money and move out or at least contribute so that they have more propensity to listen to you. It's probably still more preferable to just move out if you can though, as that's what I would try and advise myself if I was your age and was in the same situation, because I think the core of the problem here isn't so much the alcohol but that your parents sound like they are acting like children, and there's no rehab for that.

    I know it sounds mean but don't think it is your responsibility to parent them. You have to look out for yourself as well, and I'd even go as far as to say that it should be your primary objective so that you will have a stronger chance of breaking a bad cycle of acquired traits and behaviors in the subconscious. Plus, like I've said, if there is a sudden change in dynamics, such as more finances or a sudden realization that eventually you will move out and all they will have is each other, then they might be a bit more inclined to pay more attention to the realities of their life choices.

    Just to be clear, however, I've never been in the same situation nor do I claim to have been and I'm only going off by the few paragraphs of explanation so I admit I may just be beyond my boundaries here but those are my thoughts nonetheless, which of course is up for debate. I mean no offense or disrespect to your family, I just think being blunt in this case would be more helpful, so I hope you don't misunderstand. Good luck.
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2015
  19. Parassd

    Parassd Active Contributor

    Thank you so much everyone for all your support. :D
    Things are mostly okay these days, sometimes even when my dad is drunk, because we got some money for a change and don't have to fight over where to spend and over what. It's all cool until my mom starts getting sadistic pleasure from irritating my dad and/or she has apprehensions of my dad cheating on her again. Though my final exams are close and I guess they both realise that I need peace at home, things do seem to be picking up. But I don't know for how long and I don't wanna think about it either. We have got nothing for savings, and this money is the advance for a job to be done in the future, the money's already running out, so the aftermath is gonna be pretty bizarre. I just hope we don't run out of cash before I'm done with the exams. After that I can finally move to college and start my own life, that thought excites me and keeps me going. :)
  20. Parassd

    Parassd Active Contributor

    Although the sad part is that my mom says that she'll come to wherever I get admission. She's clingy and she can't let me go, neither can she introspect and improve. She's a compulsive buyer and she believes that nothing is wrong with her, everything is wrong with the people around her, despite me, my brother and my father telling this to her and making sarcastic comments about it. She takes it lightly and for granted. I really don't know who to blame, everytime someone is in the wrong. I can't point fingers at no one, I can just go into an endless loop of thinking on whose fault it is and lead to no conclusion. I've realised that I've become scared, and I can't tolerate fights and shouting, I feel restless and stressed whenever there's a potential fight stirring up between anyone, not only my parents. Is this just a phase? Will it pass with time?