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alcoholic friend

Discussion in 'Alcohol' started by kgord, Sep 10, 2015.

  1. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    I have a friend who is an alcoholic and is also on dialysis. Sadly, his family has a long history of alcoholism. Because his kidney's don't work even a small amount of alcohol will make him drunk. He was fighting with his mother last night as she was accusing him of being drunk. I mean he doesn't make a lot of sense when he is drinking I talk to him on the phone. I mean I have told him that if he is having issues with this he is unlikely to be approved for a transplant, his mother deserves better etc. finding a healthier outlet would be great.She is also a drinker, but I don't think to his extent. I mean I really don't see him as changing this, because I don't think he has that much of a desire to do so...but on the other hand he is not a raging drunk...if he was told to stop for transplant I think he could...but he would probably go right back to it afterwards...hmmm I don't know..just be there for him I guess??? He said he appreciates being able to talk to me.
    greybird29 likes this.
  2. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Well on that being said, that is the best you can do for him, to be there and talk to him. He might just like someone to talk to but he is not willing to really listen. The desire to change should come from himself to be able to make it a possibility.
  3. pwarbi

    pwarbi Community Champion

    The main problem is that you can't help a person who refuses to help themselves. All you can do is be there for any support they need, and sometimes trying to force a person to do something they don't want to do, can have the opposite effect and make them do something even more.
  4. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Well, yes, I think the best thing for you to do right now is to just be there for him. You can never force him to stop drinking, but you can always just encourage him to quit drinking for good. Just try to be patient with him and never give up on him. I believe the time will come when he will eventually realize his mistakes and he will then change his ways for the better.
  5. singingintherain

    singingintherain Community Champion

    It is very true that you can't force him to quit if he is not accepting of it. Has he acknowledged at all that he has a problem?

    It is an awful situation as he really won't be approved for a transplant in the current situation. Does he believe he might be? Or has he resigned himself to thinking that there is no way he will be able to achieve this?
  6. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    Sometimes you need to manipulate someone to do something which is good for them. Unethical though it might be the end justifies the means.

    If you are the only person your friend can talk to about his drinking problem you need to give an ultimatum [you'll be bluffing] and see how he takes it. Tell him if he doesn't want to change he might find himself seeking someone else to talk to. His response will give you a good idea whether you should continue helping him or take a step back and let him do whatever he wants. You can't force someone to change.
  7. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    You are a great friend for being there for him and encouraging him to stop drinking. It is for the good of his health and I hope that he realizes that before it is too late. Just keep talking to him, expressing your concerns and telling him how you feel. Do you think maybe he drinks because he is scared about his health issues and what could happen if he doesn't get the transplant in time? Maybe to drinks as a way to mask his health problems. It is his way of dealing with it. Keep being there for him and being the good friend that you are. He really needs that right now.
    greybird29 likes this.
  8. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    Well actually, I did tell him I needed to take a step back, that I cared for him but I didn't feel I could get involved in the issues between he and his mother,(alcohol related) and the dialysis issues I didn't really want to hear about..since he often cries.I told him to find a new confidante, but I cared for him and I hope we could be friends on a more casual level. This may hurt his feelings, but truly, I can't support his continuing to abuse substances and he doesn't make much sense when he is drinking anyway. I have issues of my own, and he isn't my boyfriend..(thankfully, I might add)
    greybird29 and L_B like this.
  9. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    I think you did the right thing :) I admire you for stepping out and telling him that, he needed to hear the truth. Maybe this serves as a wake up call, you never know! Isn't cool you have to listen too him complain about his health issues... if he doesn't even try to stop drinking. It's a never ending story and no one should have to put up with that, I mean, it would be a totally different story if he was indeed trying hard to get better, but he isn't.

    You did the right thing, he might have gotten a bit hurt or offended, but he is not even trying.
    kgord and greybird29 like this.
  10. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I am glad you were able to let go and walk away from the situation. If in time he realizes he needs help then there are lots of resources out there for him. You need to take care of you and issues you are dealing with. Best of luck to you.
    kgord likes this.
  11. If his mother is a drinker and drinks openly in front him that might make it harder for him to quit. He is probably not strong enough to turn the alcohol away if it's so readily available. Maybe he figures what's the use in trying to quit? It's just a thought because I've had to deal with alcohol being everywhere I went and I've had my times of strength when I was able to turn it down and my times of weakness when I would have a drink.
  12. FuZyOn

    FuZyOn Community Champion

    I think you've done everything possible to help your friend. You listened to him, gave advice and it's up to him if he turns his life around or not. He probably doesn't understand the circumstances and that may be a detrimental factor as well, but I'm sure you reminded him of his kidney transplant as well.
  13. greybird29

    greybird29 Active Contributor

    Most folks in here agree that if someone “chooses” to drink there is not much anyone else can do about it. The fact that he is on dialysis he must be aware of the results he can face. My brother is also on dialysis 3 times a week; he used to be a drinker often a six pack or more at a time several times a week. When he started dialysis he practically stopped drinking, every now and then he will have a few beers with “the boys” however he pays highly for it every sip. I agree you did the right thing taking a step back and maybe it will serve as a wakeup call for him. I support and respect my brother %100 because I know he is trying. He stopped smoking after over 20 years, tries to eat healthy and lose weight. If he occasionally has a few beers with the boys I do not ridicule him for it; that is his choice and he knows the consequences. If he had continued to smoke, drink and eat junk food I would certainly NOT turn my back on him nor would I support his party train. Best wishes your friend chooses to get control of his drinking and live to see a transplant.
  14. henry

    henry Community Champion

    Get the doctor to talk to him and give him a good scare. That usually works. For a while at least. People don't usually think about changing their habits until they see themselves in a life or death situation. I had a friend who was an alcoholic, and one day he woke up and found half of his body was paralyzed. He just could not move it. The doctor told him he had to stop drinking and doing drugs and the guy stopped for like 6 months. After that, he asked the doctor if he could at least have a beer every once in a while and the doctor made the big mistake of telling him that he could. Now he's back to his old ways. When the scare wears off, they start drinking again.
  15. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    Well his bloodwork is good right now..So, I don't really think he is drinking enough to effect his transplant possibilities. But yeah, he isn't doing much to help himself. His mother has turned him into the medical staff...who I think talked to I said I don't think he is a raging out of control drunk, but since he can't seem to control it much,,,he needs to quit in my opinion, but people will do what they do.
  16. juno

    juno Community Champion

    Its great if you can be a good friend to someone going through such a difficult situation, but it seems like your friend is slowly killing himself. With his kidneys not working, how can he even think to take a drink. I'm surprised his doctors haven't made him go to rehab as a part of the dialysis.
  17. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    well I don't think he admitted to being an alcoholic. He doesn't drink all the time. He is allowed to drink something like 2 oz of alcohol but as mentioned, he can't keep it to that, hence the problem. His bloodwork is actually decent, so whatever he is doing, I guess is not that harmful. He isn't driving at this point, so DUI isn't a problem but I think maybe the reason he isn't actively trying to get his license is due to his inability to control his alcohol intake when he does drink, so I guess he is better off not on the road.