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Alcoholic wants more access to my kids.

Discussion in 'Alcohol' started by dkelly, Nov 23, 2015.

  1. dkelly

    dkelly Active Contributor

    My father is an alcoholic. He is not seeking help and does not admit to a problem. When he is sober he is fine but when he isn't it is a disaster. We do not have a good relationship yet he has complained to my sister and my husband that I am keeping my kids away from him so that he doesn't see them and they don't know him. He is right. That is exactly what I am doing. I don't want them to feel things I felt when I was young. My husband and sister tend to feel sorry for him and think I am being hard and unforgiving.
  2. lexinonomous

    lexinonomous Community Champion

    This is a really hard thing to go through. My father is an alcoholic and I held so much resentment for him, for years. Now that I'm older I've developed a relationship with him. I had to forgive him for everything. It was really hard, but at the end of the day it made things better. I didn't want to go through life knowing I never stopped to know my father because once hes gone, he'll be gone forever.

    I don't agree with your husband and sister completely, but I see where they are coming from. You don't want to detach yourself from someone completely because you will regret it later down the road.
  3. Tsky45

    Tsky45 Community Champion

    Sometimes you have to go with your gut feeling. You can be around him but with limitations. If you notice him acting in a way that's disturbing you than keep your kids away from him. It should be okay to see him on holidays and things like that. Try to see what it's like when he's sober. Overall just trust your judgement based on what he's doing when your around him.
  4. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    I couldn't blame you for doing such a thing since you just don't want your kids to see their grandfather in that kind of situation. I guess you just have to be honest to your dad. Tell him that if he really wants to see his grandkids, he needs to pull himself up first, and consider recovery.
  5. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I am with you on this one. It can be very scary for children to see somebody drunk. They don't understand what is going on. It you don't very comfortable in a situation then you have that choice not to put you and your children in that situation. You know what is best for your children, If he will listen you can try to talk to him and explain to him how you feel and why you choose to do what you do but I am sure he already knows the reason. It is up to him to make the chance if he wants to see his grandchildren.
    deanokat likes this.
  6. dkelly

    dkelly Active Contributor

    Thanks for the response. I try to live my life by following my own inner conviction. I think it is generally a safe bet. I wont lie though my sister and husband sometimes make me feel a little bad about the situation. They think I should be more compassionate and allow him access when he is sober. My problem with this is I never know when I turn up what state he will be in.
  7. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    I think being the concerned mom that you are I think that you have every right to dictate who interacts with your kids, so if you feel that the kids being exposed to your dad would do more harm than good then you have every right to forbid them from seeing him. You only want the best and good influences around your kids, so your stance is justified.
  8. doatk22

    doatk22 Community Champion

    If it's bothersome enough that you feel that you need to keep your kids from him, then so be it. You have to use your own judgment with this. You don't want your children to suffer either and you're just protecting them.
  9. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    You need to be honest with him. Tell him that you won't let him be around the kids any time he is drunk. That should give him a good reason to at least be sober when he wants to see the kids. Since you are certain that he might be a bad influence to the kids before he changes, you need to do what must be done because in the long run it will be good for the kids.
  10. Cheeky_Chick

    Cheeky_Chick Community Champion

    This is a difficult situation, but I don't think any child should have to be around drunk people, and if he is not likely to be sober when they are around then unfortunately there isn't much else that you can do. Make it clear to him that he will be very welcome back in their lives when he is sober, but until then you're just not happy for him to be around them at all.
    deanokat likes this.
  11. JonnyMacdonald

    JonnyMacdonald Community Champion

    Ah that cannot be easy but it sounds like you know what is good for your kids and you are willing to fight for that.
    Good for you! Don't let people trick you into thinking you are a bad person, you are not.
    Be straight up. Let him and your family know that his drinking is a problem and you are not comfortable with your kids around that kind of non-sense.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @dkelly... You are doing the right thing, so don't doubt yourself. Your kids' well-being is way more important than anyone's opinion.
  13. artyarson

    artyarson Active Contributor

    You're doing everything right. The father should definitely get back on the track to normal, sober life. Drunk, aggressive, abusive parent is way more worse than not having a parent at all. So, he gotta break the wicked habbit in the name of familiy and bright future. God bless you all and him!
  14. Jasmine2015

    Jasmine2015 Community Champion

    Everything that you do has to be done with the children's saftey in mind. If he is not sober and tends to act violent when drunk, what will happen to the kids? If YOU as the mother don't feel comfortable than you can have the dad keep his distance until he gets some help. If he does visit, make sure it's a supervised visit.
  15. xeylonfm

    xeylonfm Member

    What if we could think differently about this scenario? What if we put ourselves in the shoes of the children? I think your children will question you when they grow up about your father. Since he has no access to them, they will be total strangers to each other and that may not go well with them as such. In my case, I think you are being too hard on your dad because leaving out such a vital person in your life because of alcoholism would be rather unjustified. Assuming you are keeping your children away from your father to prevent the influence passing onto them, then later on as they advance in life, they “contract” alcoholism [God forbid] maybe through friends or lovers or group….something like that? Don’t you think your protection would be rendered null and void? I think you should allow RESTRICTED access to your children only if you are there with them to make sure nothing goes wrong and no bad behavior is picked by the children. If he isn’t sober, then prevent him from accessing the kids. Maybe he should when he is totally sober. He too will learn that the bait to accessing the grandchildren is sobriety. This is what I have in mind about this situation.
  16. irishrose

    irishrose Community Champion

    Sometimes you have to think about your family's well being first. I am sure it probably not only hurts your father, but you as well, as he is your dad, but you are just trying to do what is right for your kids' sake. Letting your father know that you are supportive of his recovery and that there is an option for him to see your kids after his recovery may be the motivation he needs to admit he has a problem and get help.
  17. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    For the meantime, that's the right thing to do. Your kids have to stay away from anyone who might influence them the wrong way. However, you can't do this forever. Your father is growing old and he also has the right to see his grandchildren. Help your father sober up. Coax him, do what it takes. Eventually he'll come around and see reason. You are still his daughter and nothing will change that. He needs every support he can get.
  18. Scooby Snack

    Scooby Snack Community Champion

    Did I miss it or have you mentioned these thoughts and feelings to your father? How has he responded? I don't think anybody would fault you for protecting your family--if your father is at all reasonable maybe you can get him to understand that the possibility of access to his grandchildren is dependent on him? Maybe that's too naive and simplistic a suggestion.
  19. 6up

    6up Community Champion

    Even if he is an alcoholic I am sure he never drinks always. Your kids should learn to only avoid him when he is drunk. You should let them play with him as long as he does not give them alcohol. I hope you don't take alcohol despite the fact that your father was a drunkard. He might be needing company of his grandchildren to keep off stress. There is a lot that they can learn from their grandfather even if he is a drunkard.
  20. henry

    henry Community Champion

    Well, maybe you can just tell your father that he can visit his grandchildren only if he's sober. If he agrees with that, I think you could maybe give him a chance. Now, you must warn him that if he ever goes to your house drunk, that will be the last time he'll visit his grandchildren.