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Almost losing my mind

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Whiskers, Sep 5, 2015.

  1. Whiskers

    Whiskers Active Contributor

    I have been in a relationship with a guy who will just not stop drinking He has already lost his job as a result of his addiction to alcohol and now depends on his folks for sustenance. As of now he has is back living with them. He comes from a large family and his parents are struggling to bring up the rest of their children yet now they have him to think of as well. I am not sure they will be able to get him help seeing as they have a lot in their hands.
    I care so much about this guy it is tearing me apart. Thought of how he has turned out are constantly in my mind and I wish I would be able to help. I brought up the issue of him seeking help but he laughed it off saying he did not need it as he would stop drinking when he liked. I don't think he realizes what he has got himself into as noone can convince him otherwise.
    My question is, how do I convince him that he needs help despite being so stubborn about the drinking problem? Is there a way to make him realize he needs help?
    crc3thebest likes this.
  2. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I can relate to everything you are saying because I am in a similar situation. I came here desperate for help. Seeking out some advice. What I got was a lot of support and a knowledge of information. First off until he is ready to admit that he has a problem then there really isn't much you can do. He clearly doesn't think he has a.problem so he has no desire to stop. You can express your concerns and keep at him about it but until he decides he needs help he is not going to change. One bit of advice that I got that really stood out to me was not to become addicted to his addiction. You can't let it consume you. You have to take care of yourself.

    I have grown a lot since I joined this group and I feel so much more stronger and in control. I can be there for him and when the time comes for him to change his ways I will be supportive. I will never give up on him but I won't let his addiction control my life. I am sure you will get lots of great advice. Read and take all the advice. It is a great help. I have found peace within myself which I thought I never would.

    Keep coming here and talking to us. It helps a lot.
  3. whitenoise

    whitenoise Senior Contributor

    It is always hard to convince an addict to go back on his feet but you should really make him see what's going on with his life. He lost job and for living he has to be sustained by third party person. Make him see these things and see what's his reaction.
    Whiskers likes this.
  4. pineywood

    pineywood Community Champion

    Welcome Whiskers! In response to your question, how can you convince him is difficult to answer because everyone has their own "breaking point" or shall I say "moment of realization" that their addiction is indeed an addiction.

    Although as mentioned, this is a wonderful forum to reach out to others for more insight and I am sure others will step in with more advice. For now, you must make sure that you do not go down the path of despair and continue to remain vigilant that it is important for you boyfriend to seek out professional help without you feeling responsible for his actions. Believe me, I know this is easier said then done.
    Whiskers and deanokat like this.
  5. karmaskeeper

    karmaskeeper Community Champion

    I think he probably already knows it. You can beg, and plead til you are blue in the face. A person that has an addiction will try, and please people that ask them to seek help. Usually this is short lived because the addict isn't doing it for the right reason. From my on personal journey with addiction I knew I needed help, and I tried to stop. It was only when I knew I was ready did I finally get clean.
  6. JonnyMacdonald

    JonnyMacdonald Community Champion

    If having to move back in with your folks isn't sign enough, you may have a hard time.
    Although for a long time I knew I had a problem, but I didn't want to admit it. I wanted help but I attacked everyone who offered it to me. Luckily God found me before it was too late, even though I cut Him out too.
    Us men can be stubborn sometimes too!
    Whiskers likes this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Whiskers... Thanks for sharing with us. Loving an addict/alcoholic is such a challenging experience. I have to say, I'm incredibly proud of @L_B, because she has indeed grown so much since coming here. What she said to you in her comment is pretty much spot on.

    You are the most important person in your life. Never forget that. And until your boyfriend is ready to seek change, you have to take care of YOU. Don't allow yourself to become addicted to his addiction, because it will start to consume you.

    I will keep you and your boyfriend in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that he can get to a point where he seeks help soon.

    Peace and hugs to you.
    greybird29 and Whiskers like this.
  8. Jamesbonner

    Jamesbonner Active Contributor

    Hi, I'm really sorry for you, I'm sure it makes you feel really bad in such situation, you can convince him to get a help by talking to him in nice way, you have to tell him that he shouldn't feel ashame of being addicted, we are all facing that risk of being addicted to something, he just need to correct his mistake and get a help !
    Whiskers likes this.
  9. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    Well it may come to a point where you have to offer him an ultimatum. If he continues to drink, and it is such a negative thing in his life, maybe supporting that by continuing to be with him is wrong. Are you attending al-anon meetings? I think you would find a great deal of support and inspiration there. You will be among people who understand what it means to love an addict.
    Whiskers and deanokat like this.
  10. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    In a relationship it is really hard to see your partner struggling with something in their life like if they are into addiction. The pain, disappointment, emotional and mental worries and loss of hope will surely gives you loss of mind. But if you knew despite all your efforts and concern they are not aware of that but still they continue what they are doing then it is time already that you distance yourself from them. Before anything else take care and love yourself first before them.
    Whiskers and deanokat like this.
  11. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Amen to what L_B has said in her post. Whiskers, we know L_B speaks from the heart as we have taken that walk with her so to speak. I pray that I am around to hear of your progress as you decide on the best approach using the information you have been provided with here. I hope your boyfriend recognises what he needs to do to help himself and that you will find the peace that L_B spoke about in relation to her journey.
    Whiskers, L_B and deanokat like this.
  12. bluedressed

    bluedressed Community Champion

    It's hard to change someone who doesn't want to change. Some wonder if it's even possible.

    I'll give advice that I myself do not follow, but maybe you should learn to care for yourself and your future more than you care for him and his. My question is: you care so much about him having a better life, but does he care in the same way for your future? It seems like if he did, he would not make the question of his alcoholism a subject depending simply on his "wanting to" -- he would realize the consequences he has on you, too. If he loves you and wants the best for you (those two should go together), he should be able to make this sacrifice. After all, if he says there is no problem, then there is no problem stopping either, right?

    But he will not see logic and will not act in you two's best interests.

    So maybe you'll have to. Up to you to see if you can and want to carry his burden, or if it'll break you or your spirit.
    deanokat and Whiskers like this.
  13. Whiskers

    Whiskers Active Contributor

    Thank you all of you guys for your kind advice. I am weighing my options on the matter and hopefully will reach a decision soon. I don't want to lose myself in something I have no hand in but neither do I wish to lose him too. Tough place but I am determined.
    pineywood and deanokat like this.
  14. sunflogun

    sunflogun Community Champion

    Definitely seems that your partner has lost it, so you need to start thinking seriously about yourself. If he doesn't want to change his way I think you're better off alone.
  15. amin021023

    amin021023 Community Champion

    @Whiskers: don't get involved that much, I mean don't let this hold you back from your own life because there isn't much that you could do about him since he's not ready to acknowledge his problem but when he does you be there for him and support him.
  16. Jenga

    Jenga Active Contributor

    I was on the opposite side. Completely out of control while my partner did everything to try help me. It broke her...
    Thankfully I realised what an idiot I was being, cleaned myself up and managed to actually become a decent partner back to her. Thankfully things are looking better than ever for us.

    Realistically, you've only a few options. One of them will end up with you snapping. One will end up with you sad for a while and who knows what might happen if things begin to spiral.

    You obviously care for the guy, I'm not going to suggest leaving, because that will end up hurting you a lot, even if it really is the best option for you. Let that be your last resort.

    You could try showing him the actual cost (both financially and metaphorically) of his drinking, really enforce how he's hurting both his parents and your relationship. Don't threaten to leave. That will make things worse between you two.

    I suppose, in the end, if he really doesn't care enough about quitting, he may not care enough about your feelings and perhaps it is actually time to move on? Maybe that will help drive the idea into his head. Maybe it will make it worse. I dunno, I'm not a psychologist...

    Anyway, take my advice with a grain of salt, or completely ignore it. The decision is completely yours, after all.

    I just wish you the absolute very best with things.

    Good luck! <3
    deanokat likes this.
  17. Steve Dawson

    Steve Dawson Community Champion

    This is such a painful read for me, I know exactly what you're going through. Theres no advice I can give that hasn't already been given to you. I do however have one idea, if your gentleman friend ever has really bad episodes, falling down incapable type episodes, it might be worth recording him and then showing him the video when he's sober. Its likely to shock him quite a bit, and maybe even get him to begin to realise he has a problem. Its not a solution for every situation and no doubt, it could make things worse depending on many factors, including this gentlemans likely reaction upon seeing himself, but it could be worth a try. Whatever you do, you need to remember that you have your own life to lead, and you won't let someone elses addiction become your problem. Whatever happens, stay strong and my good wishes are with you.
    deanokat likes this.
  18. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Continuing to think good thoughts for you, @Whiskers. And keeping you in my prayers.
  19. bluedressed

    bluedressed Community Champion

    Fair enough, and I understand it can be hard to ask for advice when you love someone -- especially since on the internet, "Just break up and find someone better" is often the go-to answer! I wish you strength, flexibility and love. Keep us updated, we will try to support you whatever decision you take!
    greybird29 likes this.
  20. jeremy2

    jeremy2 Community Champion

    Why don't you do yourself a favor and leave that miserable fool for good? I mean, that guy has already lost his job and he sees no point in changing his behavior. A grown up man who can fend for himself does not require to be baby sat. He knows what he needs to do and yet he does nothing about it. Whiskers you deserve better than being strung along by this two time loser!
    Whiskers likes this.