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Almost losing my mind

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Whiskers, Sep 5, 2015.

  1. greybird29

    greybird29 Active Contributor

    There is not a one solution fits all answer. Many folks can tell you to just walk away yet is not that simple when you care about someone. I have witnessed alcohol and drugs destroy many lives and relationships. There is one thing for sure if he denies having an issue and does not want to stop drinking there is no way to convince them otherwise. There is no magic pill, no AA, no 12 step or any other step program, not a million dollar alcohol treatment resort that will help them unless they admit they have a problem and “want” help. It is so hard but essential for your health and well being to NOT let his problem control your life and thinking or it will also destroy you.
    You could give him a choice it is you or the alcohol 9 out of 10 alcoholics will just watch you walk away because they care more about the alcohol than they care about anyone or anything else. It is an awful disease that consumes their entire soul.
    I agree with most of the folks in here you must think of yourself first that could mean losing him to keep you from losing yourself and your mind. At this point in your life “his problem” is “your problem” and it will consume you, your mind and break your spirit if you let it; it is essential that you do not let it. You are the only one that can make that decision. Best wishes on making a tough decision and the one that is right for you.
    deanokat likes this.
  2. Whiskers

    Whiskers Active Contributor

    @jeremy2 You know what? You are probably right about that. I have been considering doing just that and believe me it is just a matter of time. I guess I owe myself a measure of hapiness really. Thanks for the headsup.
    greybird29 likes this.
  3. Whiskers

    Whiskers Active Contributor

    I agree with you entirely. Yours is rational thinking as you considered both sides very well. I think the life of an alcoholic is one selfish one to say the least. Not considering what others feel about the problem is terribly selfish too!
    greybird29 and deanokat like this.
  4. I don't think calling the guy a fool is the right thing, he's sick and being addicted to alcohol is a sickness, I believe that this guy needs her now more than ever. I believe Whiskers should be strong and be firm in her decisions for their future, if he really loves you he will change and get help. I think you must stand your ground with him and tell him like it is. You deserve better and if this guy is not willing to change for you, then unfortunately let him go.
    deanokat and Steve Dawson like this.
  5. Steve Dawson

    Steve Dawson Community Champion

    Absolutely, thats very well put. Ultimately if you were my daughter Whiskers I'd tell you to get the hell out of there, but as I'm not I would never presume to tell you what to do. But this chap does need to accept he has a problem or else there is no hope. I was convinced initially that my friends were trying to annoy me for a reason when they started telling me I was drinking too much. Eventually I realised that I really did have a problem, but it did take a while before I could see things as they really were.
    deanokat likes this.
  6. sunflogun

    sunflogun Community Champion

    So true, so true. I think you need to be on the outside to see things more clearly, but if he lost his job what's next? Does he even want to be helped?
  7. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    @Whiskers Leave the guy, it might sound mean to some, but you need to think about yourself. This guy clearly needs help, but he is so blind he can't see that, so basically no matter what you say or you do, odds are nothing will convince him to stop drinking. The wish to do this must come from within, if it doesn't then he will just go on with this vice.

    It sounds like he is a bit arrogant, cynical and shameless... he is living with his parents, and they are having such a hard time keeping the home afloat! What does that tell you? He knows he needs to stop, but he is too selfish to do it. I don't know him, but I do think you deserve better than that. Addicts need to figure out they need help all by themselves, but if he fails to see that even though he sees his parents struggling to keep that home afloat... I doubt anything you say or do will help.

    Do yourself a favour and consider leaving him, maybe that is the wake up call he needs in order to change.
  8. Steve Dawson

    Steve Dawson Community Champion

    He probably does, deep down inside, but is scared of what life without his crutch is going to be like. Thats speaking as an ex-alcoholic who doesn't know the gentleman in question. But I know it will apply to many problem drinkers out there. The biggest step for him is to admit that he has a problem, to agree to seek help for that problem and start moving his life forward. If he cannot face up to the problem, then there he will not change, that will always be the first stage, others helping him is great, but he needs to help himself first.
    pineywood and deanokat like this.
  9. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Just try to do the best you can. Always encourage him to change his ways for the better. Tell him to grow up now and seek out help. If he still wouldn't listen to you, I guess you cannot do anything about that anymore. It is not your fault, anyway. It is better to just let go than be in a very toxic relationship.
    greybird29 likes this.
  10. greybird29

    greybird29 Active Contributor

    A friend of mine let his parents support him the last few years of his life; all of their were children grown. They bought him a little trailer and property before they both died. He literally drank himself to death. He told the doctors he usually drank a gallon of vodka every day; they told him he had to stop or he would die. In out of the hospital and on disability he would buy booze on the way on home and basically drink until he was readmitted. It was his choice, booze or die; he was only 48 years old and choose to die.
    That is the hold alcohol has on folks; it is a sickness a disease with no cure.
    You can stay with him cater to him, support him marry him and have children. You will need a very good job because if he chooses to continue to drink you will be paying for everything because he can’t hold a steady job. “Everything” you do will be centered on “a drunk”. Imagine your child’s first birthday, Christmas, concert, play, Wedding day; Daddy’s drunk.
    You must consider your future because life goes by so fast the next thing you know your fifty years old with many memories of the past and the decisions you make. I believe every one of us can look back and say “what if I would have done…” Best wishes in jour journey.
    Steve Dawson and deanokat like this.
  11. Steve Dawson

    Steve Dawson Community Champion

    Great words greybird. The story of your friend could well have been my story, except perhaps I was lucky and didn't have anyone to support me. The other part of your comment that really hit home for me, how fast life passes us by. At twenty, forty seems far far far in the future, but by forty you know how quickly time moves on. Alcohol was massively destructive for me, the effect it had on me was profound and extreme, a complete personality change and a continuous craving to get blasted. I was fortunate enough not to want anyone around me when I drank so did not have to deal with the guilt caused by my alcoholism when I had stopped drinking, I also had to make myself stop, which made me realise how much I wanted to. Sometimes looking after someone is not the best choice when they're unable to look after themselves.
  12. Jasmine2015

    Jasmine2015 Community Champion

    Problem one: he flat out tells you that he will stop drinking when he likes. That means his drinking isn't a big problem to himself, not enough for him to do something about it. Although this drinking is already a problem in your relationship with him.

    You are not responsible for his actions. You know you want him to get clean. Though he wants to have to get clean on his own. It is best to give yourself some space to think things through. You maybe in love in what he used to be but the boyfriend must be a different person when he drinks.
  13. sunflogun

    sunflogun Community Champion

    That's the issue here, deep down we want to be helped, the issue is getting there because there's a lot of stuff on top of that and it's hard to get to someone.
  14. greybird29

    greybird29 Active Contributor

    How are you doing whiskers? Best wishes things are going well for you and you are happy and healthy. We would love to see an update soon.
    Thank you for your kind words Steve! Congratulations on your struggle; you made a fabulous accomplishment that so very few “choose” to do. One must do it for their self or it rarely works. Best wishes for success at all y'all do.
    deanokat likes this.
  15. sunflogun

    sunflogun Community Champion

    We need to write things down, what makes us go crazy, when we do feel better and so on. This journal will guide us in the right direction.
    deanokat likes this.
  16. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Whiskers... I've been thinking about you. How are things going? When you get a chance, please check in and give us an update.
    greybird29 likes this.
  17. sunflogun

    sunflogun Community Champion

    Yep, it would be nice to hear from Whiskers and now how things are going, we are here for you! :)
    deanokat likes this.
  18. karmaskeeper

    karmaskeeper Community Champion

    What a difficult place to be in my heart goes out to you. I have been sober for going on 5 years. I knew the whole time I was a drunk what I was doing was going to have lasting effects on my children. I felt I had no choice I would either be a drunk or kill myself those were my options at that point. I suffered with a mental issue that haunted me every waking moment. Now that I have come to terms with my mental state, and gotten sober. I live with seeing my son drink knowing that planted that seed kills me. Also living with a husband that drinks also isn't easy sometimes I think I'm going to have a mental break down it's just to much for me at times. Do what you have to for your on mental state.
    deanokat likes this.
  19. greybird29

    greybird29 Active Contributor

    Looking forward to an update soon whiskers; how are you doing, are you okay? Some say no news is good news yet we would love to hear that from you and know that you are safe and okay. We are here to support you no matter what you choose to do. Hard to say we worry about someone we don’t even know; yet we do. Please share with us and let us know you are doing okay. Best wishes to all!
    deanokat likes this.
  20. greybird29

    greybird29 Active Contributor

    We miss you Mr Whiskers; best wishes all is well...
    deanokat likes this.