So how f&cked up is this? I’ve been sober for a few years. I’ve dug myself out of the hole my addiction caused legally and financially. I have a great life, surrounded by people I love who love me, I am an active member of AA. Today I have a life beyond anything I ever thought I deserve. But every now and again the thought crosses my find to throw everything away. To just say **** it and start drinking again knowing full well it will ultimately lead to my demise. It’s almost like I have this secret fantasy to live in a shithole and drink myself to death. Isn’t that crazy?!? I have enough time sober and enough tools to stay sober. But I would have thought those notions to say screw everything would be gone. I don’t get that thought often and I won’t act on it. It just helps remind me that my addiction will always be there. My addiction wants to kill me and I must stay vigilant even after 4 and 1/2 years if I want to stay sober and maintain the beautiful life I’ve created for myself.