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Always an Addict

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Cametobelieve0202, Jul 2, 2018.

  1. Cametobelieve0202

    Cametobelieve0202 Community Champion

    So how f&cked up is this? I’ve been sober for a few years. I’ve dug myself out of the hole my addiction caused legally and financially. I have a great life, surrounded by people I love who love me, I am an active member of AA. Today I have a life beyond anything I ever thought I deserve. But every now and again the thought crosses my find to throw everything away. To just say **** it and start drinking again knowing full well it will ultimately lead to my demise. It’s almost like I have this secret fantasy to live in a shithole and drink myself to death. Isn’t that crazy?!? I have enough time sober and enough tools to stay sober. But I would have thought those notions to say screw everything would be gone. I don’t get that thought often and I won’t act on it. It just helps remind me that my addiction will always be there. My addiction wants to kill me and I must stay vigilant even after 4 and 1/2 years if I want to stay sober and maintain the beautiful life I’ve created for myself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 2, 2018
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  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Ya it's pretty f×cked up believe me i know,this is no consolation prize but at least for you it's only one substance,for myself and i am no way proud of this but i often think of or "miss" 3-4 at a time....i thank god paint chips were never my thing or well i would sh×t rainbows i imagine.Stay Strong girl you've got this
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2018
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  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Cametobelieve0202 i'm sorry you struggle with that type of thought. i do think that type of thinking, the desperation or extremely frustration, is common to many people. recovering addicts or not... the "ah, eff it" thought... i get it too at times. for me, it usually stems from me having some sort of expectation. when i'm not centered...and striving. or things just aren't going as i want... i wish i had a solution! of course, for some people, it could be some unconscious thoughts or belief patterns they've not yet addressed.

    i hope you're feeling a bit better now... and so glad you shared that here with us...

    you're not alone!
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  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Cametobelieve0202... I think those thoughts are pretty common. I think it's partly psychological and partly physiological. While you were in active addiction, your brain and body got used to you drinking. Then you got sober. And even though your body and brain are now functioning without alcohol, I think every once in a while they try to sneak a message to you: "Hey, remember that stuff you used to drink? Why'd ya stop? We were kind of diggin' it. Maybey you should try it again?" I know, because I quit cigarettes 28 years ago and still get cravings and think about having "just one." The trick is to be strong and fight off those messages from your brain and body. I'm glad you're strong enough to do that. Don't get sucked back in, my friend. It ain't worth it!