I don't really know where to start the story is very long so I will try to condense it. My little cousin has always smoked weed she's not the only one to be honest. But her behaviour has always been wild from a young age she has always been quite promiscuous and rebellious. Cut a long story short she has been abusing alcohol and cocaine and social services have said that in a drug test they found opiates in her system. She denied the opiates and says she must have been spiked or laced. But I know everything else to be true she has also been found in compromising sexual situations. After she left her first partner who was good for her. She entered a destructive relationship and had two more children. Her lifestyle and choices whilst pregnant have affected her childrens development. One of them has alcohol withdrawal and she has passed stds to them. She recently has had them all taken off her. She is a compulsive liar and tells so many she forgets what she has said and catches herself out she has stolen from me and done other things that I will not even put on here tbh. Basically what I am asking is am I wrong to not want anything to do with her?
I don't think that you are wrong at all. She is not only self-destructive, but just plain ol' destructive in general. The reality of the situation is that those kids are your family as well. So, how would you treat anyone off the street who treated your family that way? I feel like you wouldn't be asking this question about a stranger, and I honestly believe that you're better off not wanting her in your life. You can only do so much for a person, they have to do it for themselves to. You're being smart and making sure you are not a victim of her behavior, and I applaud you for it.
I've been in a similar situation so I can relate to that quite well. I stayed with an alcoholic for a number of years, hoping that they'd change. Instead, no matter how hard I tried to convince him that alcohol wasn't good for him, the addiction got even worse. He even tried to stab me at one time. When it got to that point, I decided that I'd had enough and moved away. So since I've been in a worse situation, I'd say you made the right decision. Should your cousin call you and say that she needs help then give her another chance. That's how we're supposed to live our lives — forgive, forget and make up.
I don't think you are wrong. You have your own life and your own problems, and you shouldn't be expected to drop everything just because of a family member. It will ultimately be her decision if she wants to change her life anyway, and at this point probably not much you could say would change her mind, considering she even neglects her children which is supposedly the one thing that changes people.
I just want to thank you all for you're comments. Teen In Crisis, you are right if it was a stranger I would cut them off without hesitation and you are totally right, I have been a victim of her behaviour we all have and the only way to avoid this happening repeatedly is to not have her around. Also Rainman you are right she does become violent and aggressive when under the influence and although I no she has no intention of hurting me has threatened me I will be their if she calls which she wont but I am done and thanks to your comments I can be done without feeling as much guilt as I did.
I think for someone like this you aren't being too harsh on them. She seems to have avoided all attempts to try and solve her situation from you and if she does become violent and influence then I think you should either cut her off completely and accept what has happened or start taking major steps to solve the problems i.e. calling the authorities to report her for drugs and see if things like that cause her to realize what she is doing.
Sarah, I know how hard it can be to make that decision. It's one of those "easier said than done" type things, but I honestly believe it's for the best. I moved from Philadelphia all the way to Phoenix, Arizona just to avoid some family and friends that were destructive. It's heartbreaking, but you will heal and grow as a person, and your life will be better because of it.
Glad to know you found some solace. Just remember that she is still very lucky to have someone like you who at least first chooses to ask about these things instead of just flat out judging them or cutting them off without a second thought. The fact that you initially felt guilty just shows you care but still just probably equally as confused as she is regarding this whole situation, but you really shouldn't feel bad for something you have no control over and it's good that you are one to seek out discussions to figure it out.
Thank you, I found so much comfort in your words and they have given me the strength I need to move on. I live in another city now so am not so much in the thick of it as I once was. I feel that now I just have to be there for her sister who is deeply hurt by the whole situation and has to be a support system for the children and their mother. If it wasn't for her I don't think that I would have put up with so much. But I see how much she tries to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe in her and how much she wants her to change and how supportive she is so I tried to do the same probably more so for her than her sister. We all grew up together very close and I think that because we witnessed so much destruction and a lack of closeness between or family that we vowed that us and our children wouldn't be the same.
Thanks Charli. I feel that sometimes when your in a situation it's hard to look at it from an unbiased perspective. Especially if you are emotionally invested. Sometimes you need someone from the outside to look in and tell you what they see. I think for me as I am quite emotional its the best way to deal with things because I do feel I can be quite harsh at times and that making decisions based on my emotions usually turn out to be irrational ones.
If I were in a similar situation I would feel the same way. If her destructive behavior is having negative effects in your life you should distance yourself. If she is young perhaps she will outgrow it and you can try working on your relationship then. Hopefully her more immediately family is trying to help her...
No problem. I've never been personally, but I know they helped my friends/family deal with my madness when I was using drugs. More specifically helped them AVOID it
To be honest I have made peace with the situation now as I feel I have made the right decision in stepping back. I have my own problems, that I have pushed aside and I think that I should take the time to deal with them now.
Like I said in a different thread, you can't help those who don't want to be helped. I don't think your attitude is wrong. You tried to help her, and that's good, but you should not give up your life for someone who doesn't appreciate what you do for them.
I wanted to post this article from Psychology Today. It gives some tips and facts on how to deal with family members who may be addicted, and things that you should considering doing in order to maintain your own safety and integrity. I hope you find it useful. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...t-do-things-if-family-member-is-abusing-drugs
Thank you, I found this really helpful. I have stepped away now anyway. I have also kicked my partner out of the house because I have let him emotionally abuse me for way to long. I am just going to concentrate on myself now and try and get back to some sort of normality. I feel a lot of guilt despite knowing that it's not my fault, I am emotional and I am not getting much sleep. However I know that once I get over it, I will better off for it. Can't allow people to drag me down any longer.
Sarah, I'm glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself first. I understand the guilt, and remember that's normal, we are talking about someone you care/cared about, and it's hard at times being the one to make the tough decisions. Just remember that you are doing this because it's the best thing for both of you. Hang in there, and keep leaving comments or questions if you need any support. We're here for you.
If you have tried to help her get help and she has persisted in making the choices she is making, you are not being to harsh to not want to have her in your life. She may say things, but she ultimately knows she is the one making these choices that have resulted in family members not wanting her around. You should not feel like you have to have someone in your life who is going to cause all sorts of disruption and stress and is not willing to take any steps to get better.