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Am I being to harsh?

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by Sarah, Oct 15, 2014.

  1. Davienna

    Davienna Community Champion

    I don't think you are wrong as we have to protect ourselves from further hurt but never give up on her and still try to be as supportive as you possibly can. It is hard on both of you I would say but at times it takes a lot for a person to break the habit, never forget to be a shoulder as addiction and substance abuse can happen to the best of us.
    Nick W. likes this.
  2. Geinnam

    Geinnam Member

    I am so glad that this forum has helped you understand that you are not being too harsh. It is a really tough situation when you love the person going through this. She has already lost her children and the first partner that was really good for her. It is my hope, and I am sure yours as well, that she will one day realize what all of this is costing her. I honestly think that your separation from her is an act of love for both her and yourself. No one can help her if she doesn't realize that she has a serious problem that results in serious consequences.

    Please continue posting and let us know how how you are doing.
  3. LostmySis

    LostmySis Senior Contributor

    Boundaries and limits are an important part of dealing with addicts. Never compromise the boundaries you set for yourself and the situation. I would personally probably become active with the children, if that is a possibility. We all know the foster system is horrible, but it might just be better for the children than to live with a neglectful mother who endangers them, whether she wants to or not. Also, I have learned not to give money out to addicts, even for recovery. The only thing that seems to happen is that I get further in debt and they get to indulge in their addiction. Good luck
    Nick W. likes this.
  4. Nick W.

    Nick W. Community Listener Community Listener

    I gotta agree with LostMySis,
    Giving support is one thing, giving money is another. You don't want to do anything that will encourage the behavior or addiction.
  5. sarahxalex

    sarahxalex Member

    No I do not think you're wrong at all for not wanting to have anything to do with her. She is destroying herself but also destroying her family and it isn't fair, especially if you guys have tried to help her numerous times. You shouldn't have to stress your life if she isn't willing to stress hers. In the end she still needs help so maybe you should seek professional help to see if they can reach out to her. She has to want to help herself before she wants to be helped.

    I am happy you are trying to move on and just keep positive love. I will keep her in my prayers and you as well. I hope everything works out for you and keep us updated if she gets better.
    Nick W. likes this.
  6. Nick W.

    Nick W. Community Listener Community Listener

    It's so important not to let others drag you down in situations like this. Even more so if you are also struggling with recovery or addiction. You don't want to feed off of each other. (Not implying you are, just making conversation). Keeping yourself centered and balanced is the way to go. Only then can you reach out and help others, that of course, want to be helped.
  7. vegito12

    vegito12 Community Champion

    Sometimes it is best to move away from the person early on, as staying does not do anything as you just get emotionally drained and could face harm from the person maybe not the intention they had. It is good you moved away, and moving on with life and there for her if she needs the help if required. I know, it can be sad when a close one is destructive and just, causing problems for others who are close, and only thing let is to limit contact with the person and can be hard for some people to do. Maybe one day, she will wake up and see what choices she made, were not right and how drugs did no good except ruin relationships which were important.
  8. Jennifer Hook

    Jennifer Hook Member

    I agree that you are doing what is right not only for them but for you as well. My husband had had a drinking problem before we met and I had been assured that it was under control. By the time we had been married a year, he was drinking a case every weekend. Ten years later, it was a case every two days. Then he struck me. Having grown up in a household of abuse due to a drinking addiction this was absolutely not tolerated. I called the police, had him arrested that night and with a restraining order kept him away from the family and the house for a month. He was only allowed back home with the understanding that he had to pass every breath test for the duration he was on probation and drinking by anyone was no longer allowed in my home for any reason. If his choice was to continue to drink, he could leave and stay gone. I had three girls to worry about and they were not going to experience what I went through. I has been twelve years since then and he hasn't had a drop to drink and his one brother will not come here to visit because I won't relax my rule about no one drinking in my house. Sometimes we have to be tough. That is the only way they can see what is truly important to them.
  9. jeremy2

    jeremy2 Community Champion

    You know your cousin better than anyone else. You seem to understand her situation and where she's coming from. From the time she started smoking weed you've been by her side and as she graduated into more hard stuff, you were still by her side. My advice to you is to continue being by her side and encourage her to change if only for her kids, who knows, she just might change for the better.
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2015
  10. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    I understand where you're coming from so what you did - cutting off ties with her - isn't entirely wrong. However, like some of the members here, I also hope that you won't give up on your cousin. It takes more courage to stay with someone difficult to be with. That's the true measure of love.
  11. lgdg090596

    lgdg090596 Senior Contributor

    No. You're completely fine.
  12. janiruchan

    janiruchan Member

    At the end of the day, you are still the right person to decide whether to leave her or help her. If she is open to be helped there will be more chances of her recovering. But if she does not. No matter how much you try to, you cannot force her to change. If she acts in this way, it will be best to leave her behind, given you have done enough for her.
  13. lgdg090596

    lgdg090596 Senior Contributor

    You're just fine. As far as your story went, I don't want her to be near me or anyone I love, either.
  14. chanelskii

    chanelskii Member

    You are not being too harsh. You have done enough for her already. She now has two children and still she acts as if she's thirteen. Yes you are her family, but families can just do as much. In the end of the day it will be her decisions, her choices, her move to make a difference. There will be guilt, there will always be guilt, because you are her family. But this is the time that to give her tough love since it has been far too long and somehow far too late for her already. Focus on what matters to you the most to let go of that guilt, focus on yourself if you have to. If you cannot sleep at night because of the guilt, then pray for her. Pray that somehow she will get better, that God would have plans for her to be better. As they say, let go and let God. :)
  15. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    I don't think you had been too harsh to your cousin. In the first place you had tried to helped and cared for her. Making a distance from her is not bad because you also had your own priorities in life to be taken care of. If one day she realized her own mistakes and ask again a help from you then why not and give back your care and understanding for her. There is always a second chance for those who want to change their life for the better and give it to her.
  16. MyDigitalpoint

    MyDigitalpoint Community Champion

    It´s expected that family stick together though thick and thin, but when you have exhausted not just your patience but all the possibilities to help your cousin or at least make her understand what she is doing to herself and the people who is close to her, there is nothing more to do then.

    Perhaps you are mad at her, disappointed, or feeling like never wanting to hear from her again, but I would suggest leaving in your heart some positive things you have felt for her, because nobody knows if tomorrow she will understand all what she isn't know, or life take her to a situation in which she may regret, start the road to recovery and if this happens and she remembers you in an attempt to make peace and get your support, closing your door at her can maker her to be lost forever.

    But yes, I think it's right for now is better put distance in between
  17. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    Nope, not wrong at all, she sounds like an awful person and if I were you I'd stay as far away from her as possible. Life is too short to having to deal with someone like that, this is not your problem, just live and enjoy your life. She will come around one day or maybe not, that is not your problem though. After all you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
  18. run2live

    run2live Member

    You are not being harsh for wanting to remove yourself from a destructive situation. Each of us has only so much energy, and you must choose with whom you share yours. In this case, by standing next to someone in the face of all the poor decisions she's making, you are lending your support to her behavior. You can't change what she chooses to do, but you can choose your participation in her life when she's making those choices.

    Normally, I'd say to let her know you're available once she's resolved her substance issues. In this case, though, she has betrayed your trust and stolen from you. Only you know whether you can heal from that and let her back in when she's healed.
  19. mickella18

    mickella18 Active Contributor

    Isolation is almost never the answer, no matter the situation. Addicts need help, isolation worsens their situation. Not wanting anything to do with them will give them no hope at all. Let them know how it affects you. Talk things out. Maybe that millionth time will amount to some degree of change.
  20. sonia11

    sonia11 Senior Contributor

    You're not obligated to associate with anyone in this world. It doesn't matter if they're family or what. She's clearly proven herself to be toxic for everybody around her, and if she doesn't change you don't need to keep giving her opportunity to take advantage of you.