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Am I being to harsh?

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by Sarah, Oct 15, 2014.

  1. MNyte

    MNyte Member

    No, someone as abusive as that is not worth your consent. Just tell her to get help, and if she does not look for it, just leave. That is toxic to any life - it does not matter who it is. That is a blockage, so you must continue without it.
  2. GabinoTapia

    GabinoTapia Active Contributor

    I think that you should help your cousin. Talk to your other family members and explain to them that you all need to come together and help out. I know that sometimes people do dumb things, some that can destroy their lives, but I think that family should stick together and help one another. I know that in the end you can help her out and better her life.
  3. moreno58

    moreno58 Active Contributor

    I don't think that it is wrong of you at all to not want anything to do with her. You can't keep putting yourself through this when she isn't willing to try and get some help for herself. You can't help somebody if they aren't willing to try and help themselves. She is putting you through a lot of things that is affecting your life personally. I know how you feel beings as I have been going through some of the same problems. Sometimes you just have to say enough is enough put yourself first, I know this can be hard to do and maybe even make you fell bad, but at the same time you have to love yourself enough to put your own well being first.
  4. tatrod129

    tatrod129 Member

    I do not think you are in the wrong at all love. It sounds like you have tried to help her and clearly you care about her but at a certain point, it's okay to let go. You will be so much happier without all of that stress in your life. She knows the decisions she has made and what she is doing right now. It sounds like she doesn't want help. If she doesn't want your help even after you have tried, there is not much you can do at that point. You shouldn't feel obligated to carry this burden or anything like that. I would take care of myself first if I were you. If that means getting her out of your life, so be it. That is probably what is best for you.
  5. mscaver86

    mscaver86 Member

    With my ex I found myself feeling bad sometimes because I will call him a drunk and all type of names. I mean I really don't mean it but I am just so hurt that he won't change. I mean when he is sober he is like the perfect man but when he starts drinking he becomes a totality different person and I really don't understand why he has to drink every day. Everyone always says he is never going to change but I hope and pray that he does.
  6. mochaisis

    mochaisis Member

    It is a very hard situation to see anyone you love go down such a destructive path. Making the choice to not be around that person is even harder. However, you have to make the choice that keeps you safe. You've tried to help on several occasions, but as many of us here know, an addict will only get help when they hit rock bottom. You can try and try, but she won't respond until she is ready to get better. Until she does make that decision, you are well within your rights to leave her alone. I know it's hard, but I don't think you're being too harsh.
  7. bsthebenster

    bsthebenster Community Champion

    I think that there's being supportive and then there's anabling. If you don't want to be around her it's your choice of what you feel comfortable with, but if something's happens to her you might feel bad you weren't around. It's just something to consider. With some support she might get better, but then again she might not. Either way life is short when you think about it. Try to think about life from her perspective, there's always a reason for behaviour. She might be self medicating. Addiction can make an honest person a lier. I would think about it a lot before I cut her out completely. If you want some distance you can always do that without cutting her out of your life.
  8. goldenmonkey

    goldenmonkey Member

    I don't think you are being too harsh, just realistic. I'm sorry to hear your cousin in such a bad state. It's so hard watching someone do that to themselves. However, if you've offered help and she doesn't want it, there's not much you can do except to tell her you'll be there if she ever wants to change. Having been an addict myself, I know that we will push our luck until every easy possibility has been exhausted. It takes a huge toll on the people around the addict.You can't be supportive if she does not want your support.
  9. jeremy2

    jeremy2 Community Champion

    People do change. It doesn't matter how deep she has fallen in the world of drugs or the number of lies that she tells. We are only human and sometimes we find ourselves in situations we never imagined. That is your cousin right there in a world most of us shun and abhor. What she needs right now is your support and compassion. She needs your support now than never before and i believe no one is beyond help. Reach out for her and am sure with prayers and love, there is hope for her.
  10. Mally

    Mally Member

    I wouldn't say your in the wrong at all. When i was younger my father was bottom line a crack head, he use to steal from everyone no matter who you were. He spent every dime we had, we had to live in horrible places and just live a difficult life because of his selfish choices. After everything we went through I have a soft spot for children having to go through these difficult situation. I'm with you on your decision, I would not want to associate myself with a person like that either.
  11. Azreal328

    Azreal328 Member

    It's tough to know how to feel in a situation like this. At the end of the day, if a person isn't willing to help themselves, then you can't do anything for them. My dad tried to kill me 7 years ago when he was drunk, and it was a devastating event for me. I had to let him go for a while. Since then he has gotten sober, and we spend a lot of time together now, but from that point on I had to make sure that he knew that as long as alcohol was a factor, I couldn't be a part of his life. It gets to a point, especially with family, where continuously being there for them is actually enabling them to continue maintaining their addiction and holding onto those problems. So as hard as it is to do, don't be afraid to let go, and don't beat yourself up for it either. You have your own life to live, and as much of a responsibility to yourself as you do to her.
    Winterybella likes this.
  12. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    I am just seeing this for the first time. You miss so much here sometimes. I am glad you found it to bring this subject into focus. Sometimes you can feel so cornered in situations like these, but your own story of stepping back demonstrates that the results can still be positive in the end.
  13. Azreal328

    Azreal328 Member

    @Winterybella, it is tough to make decisions like that. The truth is, tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. It takes a lot of courage to always do the right thing, even when you know its going to upset someone or even everyone around you; and sometimes people have to lose it all and fall all the way down before they realize what they've lost. It's hard to make the distinction without being there in person, @Sarah, but you should know that you're not wrong for wanting to separate yourself from that; it sounds like you've done a lot for your cousin, and you have a right to live your life well too.
    Winterybella likes this.
  14. LinB

    LinB Senior Contributor

    It is never good to hold things against people. But I can clearly understand when we have been pushed to our limits. I think one should always have a place of forgiveness in our hearts forever one. At the same time there are some persons that we should disassociate from. They are very destructive and them being around you will only destroy you as well, in the long run.
  15. LinB

    LinB Senior Contributor

    I don't think that people fully understand that concept. Indeed we should care, but that does not suggest that we should be running behind an addict 24/7. There is a limit because it your health and your mental strength and emotions are also important.
    deanokat likes this.
  16. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with letting go with love. It doesn't mean that you hate the person. It means that their behavior is toxic to you and that you care about how your own well-being.
  17. dsprice13

    dsprice13 Member

    If there is nothing uplifting for her or you, then you are wrong to try and hang on. While I am sure there is much more to this story, There comes a time when the most loving thing you can do is step back and let someone live in the riptide they choose to live in so it won't affect you. Be there should she really need someone and chooses that someone to be you.
  18. BreezyB0412

    BreezyB0412 Member

    You're not wrong. That's the beauty of life, you choose who gets to be in yours. If you don't want to have anything to do with her then don't unless she's asking for help.
  19. cpinatsi

    cpinatsi Senior Contributor

    Looks like you tried to help her but she wouldn't listen. Although at that point I could say she lost her chance and you should move on and forget about her, still it is never too late. Maybe you should try another method, like convicing her to talk to a specialist or something. But I feel you, some times ther is nothing we can do unless the addict is ready for a change.
  20. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Sometimes you have to let go and walk away. It doesn't mean that you don't love her but that you can no longer accept all that she has put so many people through. It is hard to watch a loved one destroying their life. I hope she soon realizes that she needs help before it is too late.