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Am I doing the right thing?!

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by jboud1228, May 2, 2017.

  1. jboud1228

    jboud1228 Member

    I apologize for the length of this. This is the very first time in my life that I've ever been in a situation like this so any insight or advice is greatly needed.

    I'm a 37 year old single working mom (raised my child on my own since day one), so I've done alright at steering clear of these things.

    I'm in a new relationship - we're talking only a few months. In February, I met a man, a veteran (45), who seemed to be the type of man I've wanted in my life. On the day we physically met, we were talking and getting to know each other...he mentioned to me that he'd been clean/sober for 3 years. The thought of getting high made him sick to his stomach. I took that to be a good sign. The only thing he'd been taking was insulin for diabetes and anxiety meds, which is common for a veteran, so I didn't think anything of it.

    I live a pretty square lifestyle. No alcohol, no drugs, other than my asthma/allergy meds...I've never even smoked a cigarette.

    February through the middle of April, things were great. "Magical" even. He started to do things that usually mean he's planning to stick around. Giving me a key to his place, leaving things at mine, talking about me to his friends and family, making plans with me ("I" became "WE")...involving me in the things he loves to do - he is an amputee who plays wheelchair basketball and tries to do other sports to stay active and he was thrilled that I was excited to support him in it. He seemed happy with how our relationship was going and he was busy. By the end of March, we started to talk about eventually living together. It felt like things were serious...and it all felt like a relationship was going really well for me for a change.

    During the second week of April, he disappeared on me. He went to bail a friend of his out of jail but didn't come back at all. After 48 hours, he messaged me and told me he spent all of his money he was saving for a basketball-related trip on drugs. Coke, I think. 24 hours after that, he came back. He walked up the stairs and looked like he was alright. Then he walked into my bedroom, ate like he was starving, and then slept for 12 hours straight. While he was sleeping, however, he was fidgety, itchy, complaining that his whole body was aching and he was talking to himself in his full-blown conversations with someone. I had never seen someone high like that...ever. It scared me to the point that I called the Veteran's Crisis Hotline because I had no clue what to do for him. They helped me a lot in advising me of what to do for him then and when he woke up. I tried to talk to him about getting help but he refused and said, "I'm good...I'm good". And after a few days, he was back to his old self...the man he was before this relapse.

    Two weeks past. Everything was good. At one point he had an urge to go get high again but he didn't. He said everything in him wanted to but he didn't. I took that to be a good thing and I asked if he needed to go talk to someone. He said, "no...I'm ok".

    I know it's not my's his so I didn't ask again.

    Last Wednesday, he disappeared on me go get high. This time, however, he lied to me about it. Told me he was going to work for a bit to make some money (to drive for a ride-sharing company) and then he was going to come back to my place. Which he did. He walked up, checked to make sure I was sleeping, then turned around and asked my teenage son to borrow all of the money he earned working for my parents - about $60.00 because he lost one of his debit cards. He told him he was going to pay him back $80.00 with his next VA payment. My son, not knowing any better, gave it to him. My heart sank and I felt sick. He lied to me and he manipulated my kid for money. I called him at about 12:30 in the morning. He didn't sound like himself and he told me he was driving - which I knew was a lie because his earnings statement for driving (which they get when they sign off and quit working) was emailed to him 2 hours earlier.

    He came back to my place the next afternoon. He knew I was pissed and he was begging for my forgiveness. I told him I'll forgive him when he pays back my kid and after we go to the VA for some help. He said, "ok...I know I need help". I walked into the kitchen for something (maybe 5 minutes) and by the time I came back to the bedroom, he'd fallen asleep.

    This past Sunday was "Strike 3". We were out running errands. It was a pretty good day. Later on in the evening, he said he had to run and pay for his car but he'd be back. He came back 3 hours later. He laid down in bed with me and flat out told me he wanted to go get high right now because there was so much stuff going on in his head that he wasn't ready to talk to me about. I looked at him and said, "Have you lost your mind? You just got back from a bender and you're leaving again?!" He said he didn't walk to talk about it...he just wanted to go. He asked me several times if I wanted him to come back or if I wanted him to stay away. I said, "I want you to come back...but not high". He then said, "then I'll see you in a few days". I was in shock. With that, he got up, walked out, didn't look back, didn't say anything else. Didn't even say "I Love you". He chose drugs over our relationship. So, naturally, I'm heartbroken.

    I didn't sleep that night. Instead I sent him a message that said;

    "I love you. But right now I hate who you are. You've brought something into my life that I never thought I'd ever see. The man I fell in love with doesn't exist right now. He chose drugs over us. He put his own selfish needs ahead of our relationship. And what's worse...He has no remorse. This isn't about me. It's about your addiction. And you need help. More than what I can give you. I need you to leave until the end of May. That's 30 days. I really don't care where you go but you can't stay here. If, by then, you want to stay in this relationship with me, and build on what we started, where you're safe and loved and wanted...then we will go get help together...that is my only condition (help for his obvious reason, and help for me because I don't know what I'm doing and I don't want to enable him). If you decide to continue to use drugs and make things worse for yourself then you can do that without me. I'm done helping for a while. When you come back after this bender, get what you need and your meds and go...everything else will be safe here with me until you decide."

    I haven't seen him or heard from him since he left - but it's only been a couple of days.

    I've been told I said the right things. I'm detaching with love and I'm putting this on him and hoping he'll see if he doesn't change, he'll lose me along with everything else that's important to him.

    This all started "all of a sudden" like something triggered it, but I don't know what. And I don't want to break up with him because I know the man I was falling in love with is in there somewhere. I just need a break

    But I can't help but think if 30 days is too short of a time. I can't help but think he needs to stay away longer...until he falls on his face and hits "rock bottom".

    In the meantime, I'm planning on attending some family NA meetings starting this weekend at a local church...just to prepare myself if/when he decides it's time to get help and I can support him (which is really what I want). If he chooses the other direction, I'll just be learning how to help without enabling if I ever find myself here again.

    So, I'm choosing to support him when he's ready to get help, but I'm fully prepared to let him go otherwise. I've been single forever and I'm totally ok to be on my own. I'm more worried and afraid for him but not to the point where I want him my home, around my child while he's like this.
  2. Peachtree

    Peachtree Member

    I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this, but I am glad that you are not allowing yourself to be sucked into his cycle. Protecting yourself and your son from this addiction is a very wise move. I have an active addict in my home and it is heartbreaking. If he was in recovery and went back to it, I would think he would be able to take you for a wild ride. Best to protect your family unless or until he has gotten help and then you can be there to support him.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @jboud1228... Remember what Nar-Anon and Al-Anon teach about our loved one's addictions: We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. You have to make the happiness and well-being of yourself and your child first. Detaching with love is a good thing.

    Sending you positive vibes, love, and hope.
    Peachtree likes this.