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Am I overreacting?

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by L_B, Jul 18, 2015.

  1. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Not sure if I am overreacting or not. He makes me feel like I am. My partner had given up any type of drugs for four years because he really had a problem with them. He was getting help but stopped going to his meetings sometime ago. He does have an alcohol problem. For the past three weekends he has been drinking at least 24 beer a night and getting stoned. I am really quite concerned because I know where it is going to lead. In the past it started with weed and then progressed to harder drugs from there. Last night he smoked a lot of weed and drank at least a 24 of beer. He ate nothing all day. Whenever I bring it up he tells me it's none of my business and I am overreacting. It is tough living this way. Am I overreacting?
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2015
  2. Cheeky_Chick

    Cheeky_Chick Community Champion

    I think the 24 beers is already a problem, so I wouldn't even be saying "I know where it will lead" as I feel that he is already there. It is clear that he has a problem, and you need to talk to him and make him realise just how much it's worrying you. Try to get him to stop for a few days, and if it's "no big deal" as he says, then he won't have any problem stopping. However, I doubt that this is the case. Try to stand by him, but do everything that you can to open his eyes to his problem before it's too late.
    deanokat likes this.
  3. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    He won't listen I have tried a number of times. He just lashes back with things he know will hurt me. I will stand by him like I have been doing but sometimes it is so hard to hang on. My grand daughter asked me the other day, "How come he is so mean to you but so nice to everyone else?" I didn't know what to say but I would say because he looks at it as me nagging at him even though I am only trying to make him see and because I love him. If I didn't love him I would have walked away a long time ago.
  4. LegitKorea

    LegitKorea Member

    No, to completely answer your question, you are most definitely not overreacting.

    I agree to the fullest that it is a tough thing to let go the person you love the most, but try and figure out how to get help to your own residence if he doesn't decide to get the help he needs. I feel sadness just reading about the situation your in and I'm truly sorry about what's going on right now, but you have to make a decision. Either it's let him do what he wants while maintaining that sadness that you will have to deal with, but if its too overwhelming, then walking away may be a better option although it's hard. It's more of the lesser of two evils, but yes, in my personal opinion, I would try everything in my power to save the person I truly love no matter what it took.
  5. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Hello L_B. I mean no offense by anything that I say because I have been where you are.

    I agree with Cheeky_Chick your partner is as we say 'out there.' You have become his emotional punching bag. There is only so much one can take being a punching bag. It's time for you to take care of yourself now. Joining this forum is definitely an excellent start but you will need more support that is near to you.

    Since your partner is not receptive by your concerns I would ease up because whether or not you think he isn't listening to you - he is and it only makes him lash out.

    Please seek additional help. Others will response please take heed to their words.

    Take care of yourself L_B.
  6. MyDigitalpoint

    MyDigitalpoint Community Champion

    I don't think you are overreacting and IT IS your business question him about those excesses because happens that you live by his side, and while you and him are together, whatever related to him has to care you, as it should be the same for him and recall that having a partner obliges him to reasonableness.

    If I were in your shoes, I would simply walk away or push him out of the house, if not definitely, to make him react. He needs to be shaken because, in the long run, it's not only where he's been led, but where he's driving you too.
  7. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    To answer your question, no. You are not overreacting because it is clear to see that your partner really has an alcohol problem. 24 beers in one day? That's not normal anymore. I really think you should seek help for him. Try to encourage him to stop his drinking habits now since it's making you worried about his health.
  8. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Thank you everybody for all your great advice. I appreciate it a great deal.
    It is nice to be able to talk to people who understands. I know by staying with him that I am making my own life difficult. I spend a great deal of time feeling lonely, sad and frustrated. The beer always seems to come first. Sometimes I wonder if he even cares about me but I won't give up at him.

    I met him at a point in his life when he had hit rock bottom. I know how bad it can get but I can't walk away. All his life people have walked out on him. I don't want to be another one. His parents, his children, his exs and some friends have all turned their back on him when he needed them the most.

    I will nag if that is how he sees it. I know he hears me and I know he knows what it is doing to him. He lashes back at me because it's hits him. He knows I am right and he knows that I love him and care about him. If I didn't I would have been gone some time ago. I have even sat down and wrote him letters. I know he reads them but he never says much but they are in his head.

    I will keep praying and hoping that he will turn his life around before it is too late. He has done it in the past and he can do it again. I will also find ways to take care of me because I know lately all this stress has taken a toll on my health both physically and mentally.
    MrsJones likes this.
  9. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    Hi @L_B! First and foremost, let me tell you how admirable you are for having the such a huge amount of patience to stand by your partner despite all the negative things you receive from him. You deserve to be commended for that.

    You have proven how love can go the distance and make a person withstand pains and trials for the sake of the person you love.

    As what @MrsJones said, it's now time for you to also look out for your own well-being. Never give up on him but don't forget yourself in the process. You matter as much as he does so don't be too hard on yourself.

    I will have you in my thoughts and I hope that one day your partner will be able to find it in himself to change not only for himself but for you. :)
  10. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    L_B, let me applaud you for caring so deeply and wanting to provide support to the one you love.I am a firm believer in not giving up on the people who need us most. Still there comes a time when we have to protect ourselves.

    That said, I suspect that with the history you shared he has underlying problems that send him to the drugs and alcohol. Unless you get to those root problems, I don't see his situation improving. From where I sit it feels like it's time for you to get outside intervention in the form of professional help.

    If he cares for you the way you care about him he will recognise that he has to make changes for the better. I wish you well and continue to share with us. We will help however we can even if from a distance.
  11. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @L_B... Overreacting??? Not in the least! Like others have said, drinking a case of beer a night means that your partner has a pretty serious alcohol problem. It's obvious that he has built up an incredible tolerance to alcohol. And on top of that he's smoking pot? I can see why you're struggling over this.

    It's too bad that your partner is telling you that it's none of your business, because it IS your business! You are together, and being partners means that you're a team. It seems like your better half has forgotten that and is being incredibly selfish (not at all uncommon for those with alcohol/drug problems).

    The most important thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. Self-care is so important when we love someone with an addiction. Instead of becoming addicted to their addiction and letting it rule our lives, we need to step back a bit and realize that, like Al-Anon says, we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. Only the person with the problem can fix the problem.

    Your happiness and well being shouldn't suffer at the expense of your partner's alcohol and drug issues. You should be able to enjoy your life every single day, and your partner's condition isn't allowing you to do that. Love itself is a powerful drug, and I commend you for sticking with someone who has issues. It's obvious that you love him. That said, the most important person in your life is YOU, and you have to ask yourself what kind of life you want to live. If your partner isn't willing to change, do you want to continue to put up with his behavior?

    Loving an addict is so incredibly difficult and challenging. I know because my son struggled with addiction for seven years before getting clean. I applaud the fact that you've come to this forum and shared with us. We are here to support you and help you any way we can. Be strong and know that I am sending thoughts, prayers, and positive vibes your way.
    MrsJones likes this.
  12. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Thank you everybody for all your words of encouragement and support. I appreciate them more then you will ever realize. It its comforting to know that I have people I can talk to about this issue. Most people don't get it. They would simply say leave him and that would be it. They don't get that I love him and I care about him. I could never live with myself if I walked away from him and something terrible happened to him as a result of his addiction. I have gotten him out of many situations that could have gone really bad because of his over consumption of alcohol. I am on edge the whole time he is drinking. It is never fun for me.

    I know I have to take care of me and I will admit that I haven't been doing that. My whole life has been and is consumed around him. How I feel each day is determined by what he does and the mood that he is in that day. I have been asking myself if he isn't willing to change can I continue to put of with his behaviour? And the truth is I don't know. Sometimes I think I can and others times I feel to just walk away but I have never been one to give up.
    I suppose overtime I may feel differently. A person can only tolerate so much. I still have faith in him and I still believe he can make those changes because I know he has in the past. I see the person he is on the days he isn't drinking and that is the man I fell in love with. If only he could see what he is going to himself, to our relationship and to his life.

    Again thank you everybody for everything, for listening and for taking the time to reply. I have read every post over and over again and will continue to do so. They are very helpful.
    MrsJones and deanokat like this.
  13. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @L_B... Sending you virtual hugs. :)
    L_B likes this.
  14. whitenoise

    whitenoise Senior Contributor

    You're definetly not overreacting. The one who is "underreacting" in a certain way is your boyfriend as he's basically ruining (or he had already ruined) his life with these type of substances. I think that you should seek some help, maybe to someone that you know he'll listen to, and help him out to get out of this way as soon as possible.
    L_B likes this.
  15. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    I am joining you with sending some of those virtual hugs. Wouldn't mind having a real one myself just about now. I got to thinking about L_B during the course of the day. L_B I hope you get some relief soon and help for your mate. We will always be here for you.
    deanokat and L_B like this.
  16. harold

    harold Community Champion

    I strongly believe that you are not overreacting. It is totally your business to tell him that he is ruining his life. That said, I believe that you need to begin by revamping your relationship with him. It is obvious that he does not want to listen to your advice, which only means that he has very little respect for your advice at the moment. I do not believe that giving up is an option. What you have to do now is to change strategy. Your entire relationship needs to change the roots on which it stands. What do I mean? I believe that this is the time to plant your relationship on something higher than yourselves. You need to consider the possibility of believing in God. There are millions of people out there who behave well and treat others well not because they would have done so by their own strength, but simply because they trust in God. I am a Christian and Christianity has taught me many things. I look back into my life and can affirm that the way I treat people today is different from the way I did when I was not yet one. I strongly believe that your partner needs God to come into your relationship. I believe that if he can chose to respect God, he will also respect you and listen to your advice. I don't know, maybe you should get someone around you, who you know is God fearing to talk to him about God, if you can't do so by yourself. That might just be the solution.
    L_B likes this.
  17. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Thanks again..I appreciate everything. I know there has to be changes made because things can't keeping going on this way. I do a lot of praying and I keep my faith in God. He is what gets me through these tough times. I know I always have God on my side.
    deanokat likes this.
  18. Thejamal

    Thejamal Active Contributor

    You absolutely aren't overreacting. He's in the process of a relapse and will likely be back into harder drugs in the near future. 24 beers a day should be sending up red flags all over the place.

    Do what you can to show your partner that he's going down an incredibly dangerous path again, but don't put your own safety in danger. Don't let it progress to the point of violence, especially if he starts getting angry when you call out his behavior.
    L_B and deanokat like this.
  19. Emerson_B

    Emerson_B Active Contributor

    Nope, you are not overreacting. I see warning signs on every sentence you wrote that your husband is relapsing. Drinking strips him of his inhibitions so he smokes pot again. The pot strips him of more of his inhibitions so he goes to other drugs. And this goes on.

    Let me tell you how much I admire what you are doing standing by him all this time. But sometimes, it shouldn't be only you. seek help. Your grand daughter said that he is nice to everyone else, seek help from those people. When was the last time you went on a vacation? Would now be a right time? I'm thinking that you should get him out of the loop before it gets worse. Try to look deeper into it as well. Was it something that you did or was it something that someone else did. And lastly, I second @Thejamal's motion, if he gets dangerous to the point of being violent, its time to move back a bit and think of your safety.
    L_B and deanokat like this.
  20. jmontero31088

    jmontero31088 Member

    You are in no way overreacting. The thing is, addiction is never cured. It is managed. He stopped getting help and now he is back to doing the same things. It is only going to get worse from here. 24 beers is way too many for a non-alcoholic. It is horrible for someone who has a problem already. If he doesn't want to get help, you need to get out of the situation. I know that's harsh. But he will just drag you down if you try to stay.
    L_B and deanokat like this.