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Anyone else deal with an addiction to a person??

Discussion in 'Other Substances' started by Momma9, Apr 4, 2016.

  1. Momma9

    Momma9 Community Champion

    I have not used drugs or smoked for many years, but I know I have an addictive personality. I think my only current addictions are coffee and herb tea!

    I am wondering if a person can be addicted to someone in a dysfunctional relationship? I am in process of splitting up with my current alcoholic husband. I suspect he is BPD/NPD or something along those lines. The relationship is really bad with his controlling and physical and mental abuse. I left before, but ended up coming back after he said he would change. It didn't happen; things actually are worse than ever!

    But I miss him when I am away from him! Ugh, it is so sick! I start thinking maybe it was all my fault and I should have done something differently. He can be an amazing person, but I do not think that part of him is actually real, KWIM? Is it possible that I am somewhat addicted to him? Or am I just generally nuts?? I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences!
  2. djolem

    djolem Senior Contributor

    I let one little devil to be my drug for a while but it was all in vain. Like all drugs and addictions this one is also to to destroy you. We should never let ourselves be addicted to anything or anyone. I am sure some will disagree but I just talk from my own experience. I never had any luck with any kind of addiction. I think we should be free of that stuff.
  3. kaiserflame

    kaiserflame Member

    I used to be like that with one of my girlfriends of 6 years. I only realized how stupid I was until I realized a similar pattern with dogs. Smother them with love and they become sesensitized. Punish them a lot and occasionally live them and they'll not only respect you but appreciate the good times even more. I didn't like that what I was feeling was primitive and that I pretty much gave in to instinct or that I was rationalizing the abuse I was receiving. I can't give you much advice considering mine was more of a eureka moment but perhaps distancing yourself as much as possible might help. A lot of mental states change when there is a change in lifestyle.
  4. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    I don't think you can be addicted to a person but you can get attached to a person. In some circles they call it a soul tie. No matter what you do even though you want to, you can't let go of a person. You can do some more research on it and you'll probably find out how you can break such soul ties if you want to end a toxic relationship.
  5. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    It is hard to tell your heart to stop loving somebody no matter how bad things are. You always have that hope that things will change. You live for the good times. Things aren't always bad so you see that other side of them and you hope and long for things to always be that way. You are not crazy at all. You are human. I do worry about you and his physical abuse. Nobody deserves to be controlled and abused but I do get where you are coming from. We are here for you and to help in anyway that we can.
    Momma9 likes this.
  6. Deeishere

    Deeishere Active Contributor

    Since he is abusive both physically and mentally, he is not worth being around. You are worth more than that Momma9. It could be that you are just so use to him that it’s hard not to be around him. When he gets drunk it’s that alcohol that makes him treat you the way he does. I witness that in my father when he would beat my mom when he was drunk. He would say over and over again, “I am sorry. I won’t do it again.” His same ole speech began to sound like a broken record. I think that is the reason today that my brother battle with alcohol. I had a girlfriend that got killed because of her boyfriend who was abusive and on drugs. So like I said, you are worth more than that. It’s not enough for him to tell you he is going to change. Let him do it without you. When you see the change after a long while then you can believe him.
  7. Novelangel

    Novelangel Active Contributor

    Of course you can get addicted to a person, and I think in a lot of cases, it's going to be precisely the wrong person for you. This can happen not only in romantic relationships but also in friendships as well. I had a very close friend once who was controlling, aggressive and foul mouthed. She was insulting toward me at every opportunity, made me feel like dirt under her feet, and yet I kept coming back for more. I finally put a stop to it many years later, and while I sometimes still think about her, I have complete closure now and no longer feel like I owe her anything.
  8. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    The relationship that must have given you life and hope in the past has now reached toxic proportions. Unfortunately, you cannot just give it up like that after the memories you have shared. Deep inside, you hope that your love would be enough to help him change but alcohol has already held him ransom.

    You are not addicted to the person. You simply love him and you keep hoping that one day things will sort themselves out and both of you can be happy again. The prospect of a happy ending eats you up and that is why you keep coming back to your husband.

    Your best recourse now is to decide. Will you continue to hope and stand by him until your efforts are rewarded? But what if the same thing happens over and over again? How much are you willing to gamble? Ultimately the choice is yours. Decide on a course of action you won't regret.

    All the best!
  9. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    I'd not use the word addicted, but more co-dependent. You are definitely co-dependent, OP. I am also dealing with my own co-dependence issues, but it's normal for people like us who have loved addicts... in your cause your alcoholic husband. I applaud you for going ahead and leaving him, for putting yourself first :) Good for you :)

    Give yourself time, missing the person at first is normal, but just remind yourself of the bad moments the two of you had... think about that.
  10. Coolkidhere

    Coolkidhere Community Champion

    I would also say that it's co-dependency and not addiction. It's a type of relationship where you stay despite it being emotionally destructive, one-sided and abusive. But you know what, some define co-dependency as a relationship addiction so in a sense, there's some aspect of addiction in it.

    You actually exhibit some of the symptoms of co-dependency. Here's a checklist that you might want to see:

    Anyway, I think you're doing the right thing by splitting up with him. If it's just the addiction, it's easier to take and understand. But when there's abuse, that's non-negotiable, at least for me. So take care of yourself and I hope you find the courage to start a new life even without him.
  11. Damien Lee

    Damien Lee Community Champion

    I once had a crush on a girl back in my high school days. Let's just say that things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. But I did learn a lot from that experience, and I became a bit better with courting the opposite sex when I started college.
  12. madetofly

    madetofly Member

    I think that it's your true love because this kind of feeling can be experienced only if you are in love with someone and as you said that he is your husband then obviously he is your true love.
    I am not saying that you should forgive him or start living with him whatever it costs no, it's your decision and you are right at your level.
    I will not tell this as an addiction but it is happening just because he is your husband and a true love.
    So, love him and solve your problems and lead a happy life.
    Have a good life.:)
  13. darkrebelchild

    darkrebelchild Community Champion

    I would like to say your addiction @Momma9 is merely love. You love him so much, you are willing to look past his faults and continue being with him.

    I do not like the fact that he is abusive so I guess you will need to give him an ultimatum to change; if he doesn't, I don't think there is need to hang around anymore. I hope he will value you and your decisions and shape up.
  14. FenWoFon

    FenWoFon Active Contributor

    I wuld actually call that love or I do not really know how else to call it, however calling it an addiction seems kinda odd for me, but it might happen, why not, it hassomehow happened to me with a girl back in the years when I was in highschool but I finally got it over with.
  15. Tsky45

    Tsky45 Community Champion

    Most of the time being addicted to people is a reflection of who we are. This may sound harsh but it's true. We are what we attract. The only way you can be addicted to something is if it's what you want in your life. Even with a mate you have to ask yourself am I any thing like this person then why do I want them in my life? If your not a crazy or abusive person there's no reason to be with someone who is crazy or abusive. The best way to find a spouse is to ask yourself, would you marry your self.
  16. ZXD22

    ZXD22 Senior Contributor

    I used to back in 3rd grade but that was mainly love than addiction lmao.
  17. CryingCanary

    CryingCanary Active Contributor

    This is odd. I'm dealing with a situation like this at the moment. I wouldn't say addicted but somewhere along those lines. Before doing anything now I have to ask myself what the other person (let's call the person X) would do. It's getting quite tiring and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.
  18. Momma9

    Momma9 Community Champion

    Thanks for all your input! I have been offline for a few weeks because I left and moved into my own place with my children. It is hard financially, but we are all doing great! It is so nice to be away from the abuse!! The children miss their animals, but are glad we are out. Sad, but true. We will get a new dog and cat. Some day we will have chickens and cows again.
    We are all in counseling and looking forward to a good life. I have managed to stay mostly no contact, which helps. He leaves at least 6 phone messages a day, but I just save them on my computer and forward them to my lawyer. I think I can break this addiction!