this is my first time posting to any kind of forum/discussion board. There is not really any family support groups where i live so i am going to try this avenue. my husband is a pill addict and is currently starting detox & rehab at a facility which is a really great thing. what brings me to post today is that I am frustrated. I have done A LOT of reading about how to support a recovering spouse and all I have read makes sense to me and I will strive to do what I can to keep him sober. What is frustrating me is that from all I have read from many different sources & places is that we as the spouses/loved ones are not supposed to bring up the wrongs they have done to us as it is 'negative' and could turn them back to their addictions. We are supposed to stay encouraging/compassionate/non judgemental/supportive. For a long time now it has been all about him & his suffering and from what I understand once he is out of rehab it will still be all about him & his suffering for a long time after. I have sought out support from friends/family & therapist and I absolutely vent to them & it helps but i am so frustrated by the idea that i am not 'allowed' to express my pain at what he has done & how he has treated me to him - the source.
I do get the frustration. I am presently struggling with being supportive. I find it hard not to unleash my anger and frustration. It is hard to be strong when you have reached your limit. It is hard to be supportive when things never change. It is hard not to feel anger when there has been so many lies. I fell frustrated but I do my best to not show it but it is hard to do so.
Hello there, @pippitito! Welcome to the forum, and thanks for sharing. I am really sorry to hear about the pain, and frustrations you're currently experiencing. Well, I think that each one of us go through the same issues once in a while. But yeah, sometimes, being patient, and understanding are the only best things we can do. Just stay strong.
Bringing up wrongs done could be seen by the addict as negative criticism when they are trying hard to make amends. I think that forgiving and forgeting the past could be rewarding because if you are willing to overlook the wrongs the addict can work harder to avoid screwing up because there's no guarantee that they'll always get forgiveness. All the best!
@pippitito I too know what you are feeling. I've learned that we, as supporters, are also on a journey to recovery. 2016 will be my husband's 7th year of sobriety and I am very happy for it. Through those years I found that as @Rainman said forgiveness is very crucial for all parties involved in recovery. Yes it is hard--at first but our distrust, hurt and anger needs to be put in a place within ourselves where we can find peace and move forward in our relationships. Now that we know that our loved ones are making an effort to fix the wrongs, why should we continue to hold on to it? What benefit does it give us? We need to heal and in time we will and forgiving is our first step to healing.
I can almost feel your deep sense of anger and frustration about your husband's woes. But since he's your husband, you should uphold your marriage vows and stick by his side during his best and worst times. You should offer your unconditional support for it will help him immensely in the long run.