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Approving a Child's Marriage to an Addict

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Child' started by darkrebelchild, Mar 5, 2016.

  1. darkrebelchild

    darkrebelchild Community Champion

    There are many parents out there who are usually caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. What happens when your child brings home a partner whom you know is an addict and is not getting any help of recovery; do you approve of the marriage based on conditions or turn a blind eye?

    Your suggestions are very critical because this could happen to anyone.
  2. Momma9

    Momma9 Community Champion

    When my adult children make any really bad life choice I let them know how I feel, as kindly as I can, and be as supportive as I can. The hard part is watching them suffer and not enable or rescue! No matter what, my children know I love them, even if I feel they are making wrong choices in their life.
    KaseyHopeMartin likes this.
  3. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    Grown ups don't need a parent's approval before they marry someone they love. In fact trying to get between the addict and your child would probably make them want to stay with them even more. I think instead of trying to stop your child from marrying an addict they love, you should use your influence to get the addict to change. Or at least try to get them to seek treatment.
    Glitch, KaseyHopeMartin and deanokat like this.
  4. Hmm...That's a catch 22. If you try to get between them your child might resent you. If your Child (grown up or not) loves someone that has an addiction problem it is because they see something in them that no one else does. They love them for who they are, or maybe they are in love with them for the person they are when they are sober.

    Every body acts different with the person they love when they are alone, than they do in front of people. So there might be something you missed.

    I think the need for concern is MOSTLY if you see changes within your child, signs that they may have fallen into the same bad habits as their partner.

    So the steps I would take if my brother or sister (or maybe even in the future my children) would be to first, express concern to them privately. Tell them you are worried about the addiction, and the effect it may have on them personally and on their relationship later on in life. THEN be absolutely supportive. Make friends with the partner even though you know about their addiction. Welcome them into your family.

    Why? Because your family member loves them, and if they love them there's a reason for it. After you have incorporated an welcome them into the family, you now have a standing ground to later address the addiction problem with the both of them, offer your support, and try to advise them to change the problem.

    Don't ever judge someone by their addiction. You don't know the path their feet have walked on, the things their eyes have seen, or the pain their bodies or hearts have felt. Every body deserves to be loved, so love them. And then help them later on with that love as your backbone.
  5. Iconoclast85

    Iconoclast85 Member

    It all depends on a) what drug the individual is addicted to and b) whether or not that individual is functional.

    Without knowing this, it's impossible to say whether someone should approve or not. But of course an adult shouldn't require parental approval - no-one who is independently minded should seek anyone's approval in this regard.
  6. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    Well, I tried the "accept them into the family and don't judge" thing, in the beginning when my daughter plead his case and assured me that he was in a two year program from which he graduated shortly after they met. It was then that I agreed to take him in. Graduation day, his family took him to a casino to celebrate where they drank and then took my daughter back home to smoke a bowl together. She came home crying and wondering if she should continue the relationship. I told her to use her best judgement and she asked him and his family to stop using around him because she wanted him sober. They laughed at her, told her everyone did it and that her mother was too uptight and she should accept him for who he is. So, eventually she did and so did I , to keep her happy. Soon, all he wanted to do was go to pot shops and get high. He quit working the job they required him to have in the program and she covered for him by dropping out of school after getting her Associates and took a job. He relapsed onto heroin and now meth.He began stealing, borrowing money and became mean, rude, MIA often and she cried alot. We kicked him out, she promised to wait long enough for him to decide to make permanent changes and then succumbed to his excuses and threats of self harm if she stayed away. So, here we are today. I am on here seeking advice from former addicts on WHY he is doing this to himself and to us. WHY is she so blind???? HOW do we recover from the damage he has caused, the wedge he drove between us?
    So, I say tell your loved one that you support them, love them, want the best for them but that you will not have addiction in any form in your life. IT IS BAD. IT DESTROYS and it affects lives around yours in ways you cannot imagine. Let them go and be together, but save yourself. That way, you can be there for your loved one when they need you.
    andsusny and deanokat like this.