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Are the parents to blame?

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Child' started by Winterybella, May 9, 2015.

  1. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Often I have spoken to youngsters who might be addicted to drugs who suggest that a troubled childhood and conflicts with parents resulted in they turning to drugs or alcohol. Are parents/guardians responsible for the choices they children make? What has been your experience or the experience of someone you know?
  2. DCMY

    DCMY Member

    It depends on the situation. Generally speaking, parents have a huge role in their children lives until they become independent. Most people don't realize that. Abusive parents lead children to many bad things and they end up having to do something to forget the issues at home. That is one of the reasons why they take drugs and alcohol. It's also bad if the parents are too easy going and think it's okay for their teenagers to drink. It's not just the parents fault. The media also affects children, peer pressure too. It's very hard to say no to tobacco and alcohol when everyone around is telling you it's okay. Parents are children's guardians and I think the best thing they can do is just talk to them. With a good honest communication, everything can be resolved.
    smartmom likes this.
  3. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    DCMY, I tend to agree with most of what you are saying. I really do think that we can contribute negatively or positively to decisions our children make but I am not sure that we are always to blame for the choices they make. Actually we are not. There comes a time when they can make sound decisions based on the knowledge they acquire outside of the home.
  4. pineywood

    pineywood Community Champion

    I am glad to hear your thoughts about the blame. It really has been an issue for me. Sometimes, I place the blame on myself, as a parent; other times, on the child, as well as, friends and society. However, when I am in a rational state of mind, I know that looking for places and ways to place blame does not solve any problems. Although, I do agree with the posts, thus far, on the issue of a building a strong foundation for our children.
  5. RHill

    RHill Member

    Clearly a degree of responsibility must fall on the parents. However, it is easy to brand them 'bad parents' and irresponsible which, in many cases, is probably entirely unfair. These parents are likely to be in a difficult position due to poor economic and social circumstance. They are themselves possibly very vulnerable and may not be able to provide the support their children need.

    They aren't necessarily bad parents. I'm sure many are unfortunate themselves and wish they could do more for their children than they are able to. Of course you can find some counter-examples but I honestly believe that most people are decent at heart.
    pineywood likes this.
  6. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Our society is so that someone must be responsible for the actions of children to appropriate the correct resolution for the situation. For children it's the parent/guardian.

    Blaming is shame-ing. It brings with it so much discord and affects so many people. Yes, I agree it is unfair that the parent/guardian is held responsible but as I said it's the way of society (the system).
  7. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    In my opinion, parents are almost completely responsible with how a child turns out. By the time a child is born, the parents presumably have already had twenty or more years of experience in this life and you can even add a decade to that considering most moral teachings are made around a decade in of the child's existence. That is thirty years worth of experience and knowledge that a parent is supposed to have that he or she can and should be able to pass along to their child, and if by that time these people don't have any understanding of how the human mind works and how society and culture work alongside it, then I'd put forward that those people have no business making and raising children, especially multiple ones.

    As for substance abuse later on, while it is common, I think having a troubled childhood or physical or mental abuse early in life is not as necessary as people think when it comes to playing a major role in turning people into addicts. A lot of the time the causes are a lot more subtle which is why you hear a lot about parents who think they have done everything right but their children still turned out troubled. Personally, I believe the term "there's no smoke where there is no fire" applies very well to this situation.
  8. kylerlittle

    kylerlittle Community Champion

    I think parents can be fairly blamed if the child does something to blame and he didn't even know his responsibility. Parents play a big role in how the child is going to be, treat your children fairly, they will become fair, treat your children in real love and discipline, they will be loving and disciplined. I know many people that don't realize what they're doing is wrong and harmful because their parents didn't care enough to realize. While the child could be held responsible but it's not his fault he took on himself the type of personality that he has.
  9. DancingLady

    DancingLady Community Champion

    It's not always the parents fault. I knew of people in HS who came from great families and still went to parties where they drank or smoked pot if they thought they could get away with it. Sometimes even with a good home, kids want to try stuff, want to have some kind of experience. They don't always think things through. It's what the parents do when they find out their kids are doing this that determines if the parents are responsible or not.
  10. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    I think what you are saying makes a lot of sense. With kids who have had a good foundation who decide on their own either to experiment or go along with the crowd, I don't think we should blame the parents. I am especially interested in your comments regarding what parents do when they find out that the kids have deviated. How parents respond to this can often be the turning point in a child's life and can sometimes leave parent responsible to some extent for the child's addiction.
    Last edited: May 24, 2015
  11. kjonesm1

    kjonesm1 Community Champion

    I have a very supportive family who kept me and my well being as a priority when I was growing up. I was very close to my mother and even my friends would enjoy coming over and hanging out with us. She expected me to excel in sports and paid for me to go to a top private high school and college.

    Even with all the support and love any kid could want, I still managed to find myself experimenting wig drugs and getting in trouble at school. Kids make their own choices and often parents can't control their decisions.
    Winterybella likes this.
  12. jeremy2

    jeremy2 Community Champion

    I think to some extent this might true. A troubled childhood can precipitate one to engage in drugs as a means of escape. Children who are constantly abused by their parents are more likely to turn to drugs not as a choice but as a means of survival to escape the harsh realities of life. Where i come from, there is an increased number of street children and recent studies conducted on them shows a direct correlation between broken homes and usage of drugs among those street kids.
  13. JohnBeaulieu

    JohnBeaulieu Community Champion

    As a parent it would be hard for me. I would probably blame myself regardless of the situation. I think if parents are abusive or expose their kids to drugs and or alcohol they carry much of the blame. I also know of kids from very good homes that turn to drugs for other reasons. Children are people and people have free will. We can teach them but they make choices for them selves ultimately.
    Winterybella likes this.
  14. chanelskii

    chanelskii Member

    I think that when children say this, it's because the feel like they're parents do not appreciate or love them enough. There are many reasons on why a people use substances and then blame it on their parents. I think that one somehow fault of the parent, is that they do not take things seriously when a child tells them something. For example, at the age of 13 a child may experience a crush or possibly 'falling in love' (though I somehow doubt it is true, although there are times that it really is.) and when they tell this to their parents, the parents just brush it off as if it is no significance. But for the child, at that moment and time, that is one of the most important thing in their life and if you don't listen they'd resort to something that would somehow ease what they feel.

    Endpoint is, parents should listen and understand their children. Even if the decision is still up to the child, at least the parents know they've done everything for their child.
  15. drc52

    drc52 Active Contributor

    I don't think the parents or children are to blame. This is a difficult question because one does not expect children to know better than their parents. Maybe the parents parents are to blame? Or their parents? Parents should however be their to educated and advise their children.
  16. kylerlittle

    kylerlittle Community Champion

    I think the question is not based on whether children make mistakes as babies or kids, it's more actually to the choices that they make once they grow up and you know, a child becomes what his father is if there is no influence and it matters a lot how they're raised up, because the word "raised up" is not just growing up with, it's being influenced by and disciplined by, and if they're not raised up well, they become who they become because of their parents, still doesn't justify the actions they make, but it makes a difference on their psychology and perception of the world.
  17. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Kylerlittle, you make a very interesting point here. I see so many ways of looking at this whole question. I am a parent and I often ask what part I have to play in what my son becomes. What part does his father have to play in what he becomes. Questions, questions.
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2015
  18. Corzhens

    Corzhens Active Contributor

    I have a nephew who had been a hard core drug addict of the local crack called Shabu. His addiction was a secret until he was stealing money from almost everybody. The way I saw it, my nephew had been influenced by his friends who were addicts. In spite of the support of everyone in the house, my nephew still continued with his vice until he was thrown out of the house. So now we do not know exactly where he is.
  19. kylerlittle

    kylerlittle Community Champion

    I understand. It's good to have questions because it's healthy and it will bring you to a better path to be a little bit sceptical and questioning. I think there are two parts to it, one part is the deed, the other part is the psychological perception. What I mean by that is, tell a child hatred is good, they grow up to be hating, the other deed part is, use profanity a lot in your house and be disrespectful to your wife, your kid will use profanity a lot in the public and be disrespectful. There are two ways to it, psychological and practical.
    Winterybella likes this.
  20. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    Parents can be indirectly responsible for the choices their kids make. Most children who grow up in homes where one or both parents are drug addicts, may not think that drugs are bad. After all if their parents use them . . .

    For children who grow up in homes where neither of the parents are drug addicts, peer pressure could be what draws the kids into drug abuse but should the parents fail to notice that their kids are abusing a substance and the kids end up getting addicted to the drugs because the parents didn't help them before it was too late, then . . . again the parents in this case, are to blame for that outcome.