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Bad thoughts on those who are trying to help me!

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by 003, Feb 2, 2015.

  1. 003

    003 Community Champion

    Certainly there are people who want to help me, but in doing so, I think at the time that they are just trying to pull me down because if they are really concern they are going to let me do what I was doing because they understand from where I'm coming from. Of course at the time, all that I believe is I'm the one who's right. And after that everything has got fine, I'd feel ashamed to approach them. I can't talk to them the I used to when we were still in good terms.
    pandabear1991 likes this.
  2. Shimus

    Shimus Community Champion

    You can't be afraid to face down your demons. Only stuffing them down will hurt more and leave you unfulfilled in the long run. And if they are true friends they'll understand that you weren't you; or at the very least accept an apology.
    Zyni and pandabear1991 like this.
  3. OhioTom76

    OhioTom76 Senior Contributor

    Dealing with your own demons, and dealing with unsupportive family and friends who are giving you a hard time are two different things, two different battles that should be fought separately.

    Some people really don't get it, that some empathy can accomplish so much more in helping a friend of family member confront their addictions, than the usual "tough love" crap we usually hear about. There is a big difference between saying "you're annoying me with your drinking/drug use and I'm cutting you out of my life if you don't stop it right now" and "I'm sorry about what you are going through, and realize it's very hard, even if it's something I haven't experienced first hand myself".

    Constantly nagging someone who is struggling with addiction, and shaming them and telling them how disappointed and disgusted you are with them usually accomplishes nothing other than making the person barking the remarks feel more smug about themselves at the expense of others, and really just inflames the situation even more.

    I've really only found empathy from friends who have been through addictions of their own - those are the ones that have been less judgmental and been there for me when I needed someone the most.
    pandabear1991 likes this.
  4. elles-belles

    elles-belles Community Champion

    I have to say that it is a good sign and step that you can actually admit to having this kind of attitude and that you realize that you do this. With that being said, sometimes people we care for the most are the ones that end up hurting us more or the other way round. Although they might mean well and it might be coming from a good place I always say that it is best to let someone know how you feel and then step back, being forceful has really never worked out for anyone. On the other hand I would say don't be too hard on them because you know they care and that it's only out of concern for you really.
    pandabear1991 likes this.
  5. pandabear1991

    pandabear1991 Active Contributor

    I am not sure if I am getting a different take on the discussion, but nonetheless I agree with @Shimus , @elles-belles ,and @OhioTom76 .
    But at the same time you sound like you are going through something I went through: chemical withdrawals. Which caused a personality disorder while I was detoxing. Although you cannot fully control those negative feelings you get, when people suggest things differently than what you currently wish (you mentioned "I think at the time that they are just trying to pull me down because if they are really concern they are going to let me do what I was doing because they understand from where I'm coming from," you are referring that they wish to continue to allow you to harm yourself, or do the things that were causing your dependency to begin with? (sorry if I have this wrong, just trying to get a better understanding) But after you have time alone and to think, you get upset with yourself because you know they meant well, they are trying to be supportive to the best of their ability, and you don't want to face them because you couldn't control the negative feelings before hand? If I have this wrong, please tell me because I am trying to help with the best advice possibly.

    If this is the case, for now, I would advise to simply apologize and explain your actions and thoughts. The ones who are truly there to support you will understand no questions asked. I would also say that forgiving yourself fast is important. The more you dwell on those negative feelings, the more likely they are to come back faster. I would note in my mind however, the things that made you feel that way and exactly what you were feeling that made you react that way. Use it as a way in the future to help identify these feelings before you react--you may be able to help stop yourself from saying or doing things you would regret later.

    I have also found that when my own heart raced with these negative thoughts, that often drinking a glassful of water immediately as my heart started racing, helped to calm me down much faster. Not sure how effective it will be with others, but ya never know =^.^=

    And please, if I misunderstood, I do apologize.
  6. rainbowguard

    rainbowguard Senior Contributor

    I think the fact that they cared enough so that they approached you knowing that you would be defensive and bark at them is already a good enough reason to think that they will be able to forgive you. I have been in similar situation as well and while my addiction is not as severe, I felt that those people who constantly nagged me were annoying and invading my private space. Fortunately, they were able to accept my apology as I did not just simply say I am sorry but because I showed them that I tried to change according to their expectations by showing the results. In the end, I think I just have to do it gradually by improving myself and let it shown.
  7. amethyst

    amethyst Community Champion

    I think that sometimes you have to step out of yourself and see that the people who are trying to help you are doing their best. Nobody is an expert when it comes to helping another. We all do what we can, and what we think is the best way. Even counselors and other professional people who are trained to deal with addiction problems, are only human beings who try to do their best to bring help, insights and relief to those who need it.
  8. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Sometimes, we think people are just trying to pretend to care about us, specially if we're under the influence of drugs, because basically, we're not thinking straight. But the truth is, these people who are trying to help you are very much concerned about your welfare, they don't want to see your life just crumbling down. And sometimes, we realize our mistakes when it's already too late, when these people have already given up on you. I suggest talk to them once again, admit your mistakes, tell them you want them back in your life. Trust me, once they feel your sincerity, they'll help you again.
  9. jeremy2

    jeremy2 Community Champion

    Your friends should have your best interests at heart. Having said that, you should reciprocate accordingly and not let your own selfish interests cloud your judgements or jeopardize your friendship. We should develop an open attitude whereby we acknowledge our shortcomings and are willing to get help from our friends no matter how unorthodox their approach may be.
    Shimus likes this.
  10. Shimus

    Shimus Community Champion

    Exactly. BEST INTERESTS AT HEART implies they are true friends, meaning they wouldn't have bad thoughts to or against anything, only positive reactions and helpful gestures like coming to terms with what is going on and accepting it for what it is.

    Deal with demons, too. If something bothers you, say it. That's why we have emotions. People who don't talk alot often times end up drowning in their own despair, or have negative thoughts.
  11. Johnderman

    Johnderman Member

    If they really want to help you, they won't pull you down. If you have friends or family pulling you down, you need to tell them them what's happening, and if they don't stop, remove yourself from that situation and find someone who will build you up instead, and help you stay on the path you need.
  12. 6up

    6up Community Champion

    Anybody who has experienced something, then he has advice. We do ignore what our parents tell us because we feel we are grown ups, not remembering that they were once young. Friends do have advice, positive. We must not ignore them. The fact that they have seen something wrong in you, They must tell you since they want to help you. Do not wait for trouble to only remember those who may help you. They might not be there at that time, or just not listen to you.
  13. thepieeatingjay

    thepieeatingjay Senior Contributor

    If they understand where you're coming from as you say then they're stopping you because they know where you can end up.

    I can understand disliking when people keep you from doing something you want. But from the way you sound, it comes off more as you not wanting to take sound advice from people that have been where you are now.
  14. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    I agree. I think a lot of people who claim they want to help you, only do so to feel some sort of self righteousness. It really is important to figure out which people are doing so with sincerity and genuineness but unfortunately not everyone is equipped to know the difference. I personally find it annoying when people think they are genuinely being concerned and helpful when it is obvious to me that they just want to feel better than someone else.
  15. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    I think they will be happy to see you again and have a talk with you now that you are already okay. They will be happy knowing that you are a better person now than before when they are trying to help you. It will be a nice thing to say sorry to them.
  16. Rowe992

    Rowe992 Senior Contributor

    There is nothing to be ashamed of. People who are addicts usually believes that everyone who is trying to help are just trying to stop their high and make them feel bad. It is only natural that you reacted that way. You should approach those who tried to help you and thank them for it because they may have saved your life.
  17. sazzydan

    sazzydan Active Contributor

    Face your problems with a head on approach. A strong mind and will is what is key. People are only here to support you through, thick and thin people will offer their guidance and support. Only you can make the decision on how you quit and why.

    You do not need to take everyone's advice, because everyone has something different to contribute, but for me, having the support their when you need is the most important part of quitting. You made the decision to quit, that is the first step, but now to continue quitting you should stay strong and focused.

    Perhaps not everyone is going to help in the long run, but they will understand you and try to help in what way they can. maybe try telling people how they can help and what you need help with.

    Good luck, I am sure your going to do fabulously!
  18. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    I think it's never too late to apologize to your friends and family members who have tried to help you. I'm sure they will appreciate that you made the first move in reconciling with them. We all make mistakes, and if you are a teenager then it is expected that you would act like the way you did, so there's nothing wrong in admitting your mistake and reaching out to them.
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2015
  19. Shimus

    Shimus Community Champion

    Exactly what @serenity said. IF you try to make amends and they are still unwilling then they really weren't friends or family to begin with. The reasons are sometimes minuscule or blown out of proportion and a quick apology even if you're not in the wrong can set things right again.
  20. sillylucy

    sillylucy Community Champion

    Hi! I know what you mean. Sometimes I would have these negative thoughts about the people who were supporting me the most. Get out of the house and go away for a while. I find that going on solo day trips or working out helps to clear my mind.