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Bailing out a loved one

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by pineywood, May 11, 2015.

  1. AleFirmani

    AleFirmani Member

    It wasn't until my, maybe 6th arrest, that my parents' although financially capable of bailing me out, decided to take the tough love route. I was very deep into my heroin addiction and was stealing from stores daily to support my habit. I was chased down in a mall and tackled by a off duty police officer shopping with his wife and child. It was absolutely insane and as I type the words I realize this even more so.
    They did not make me wait it out the five months till my trial though. After forty five days they bailed me out under the consideration I go directly to impatient rehab since this was the first time I had been clean longer than a couple days and needed help to stay that way outside a jail cell.
    I ended up getting kicked out of the rehab for smoking cigarettes in the bathroom and having a cell phone. I had just gotten out of jail and I though rehab would be a step up but this particular rehab was not like the private facilties my parents had forked over the money for in the past. They refused to pay for it this time around so I had to go through the state to get help and the rehab was like a jail but with windows. We weren't even let outside. I suppose I am rambling a bit. I should not have gotten kicked out.. I am not making any excuse.
    The point is, the first time you are arrested, you deserve a little break. The second time, maybe give them another chance. But after three times it becomes something 'normal' to an addict and you can't let the addict think that you will help them to continue to get high. You need to say, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING in this world for you to get clean but I will no longer support your addiction".
    I hope your kid never gets to these lows but unfortunately, if they are a true addict, they must hit rock bottom before they can recover. It just depends how low they are willing to go. I came from an upper middle class educated family. I graduated from college. Addiction can bring down anybody. It effects people from all walks of life. I never thought to myself as I child that I would EVER spend time behind bars let alone even be arrested.
    Maybe this situation with your child is a one off. I have friends that got one DUI or were caught with a little weed once and never had another problem but for others it can be the start of a long spiral downward.
    Best of luck to you and your daughter.
    pineywood likes this.
  2. kylerlittle

    kylerlittle Community Champion

    Thank you for sharing this and I'm really glad people on this forums share love, care and non-judgemental experiences. Sometimes we might go through tough things and we all did go through it once in our lives, but it's always good to know, we can get through it! We have that hope.
    pineywood likes this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @AleFirmani Thanks for offering that perspective. As a parent, I know that making that decision to use tough love is a tough one. Parents are programmed to protect their kids and do everything in their power to save them. But when it comes to addiction, it's kind of a wake up call. The things you do because of the natural instincts you have as a parent oftentimes ending up being exactly what you shouldn't do. It can be so difficult. Thanks again for sharing.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I wanted to weigh in on this post again. In a strange stroke of bad luck, about a week ago I found myself in a situation sort of like the one being discussed here. I won't go into a lot of detail, but one of my boys was arrested and taken to jail for something they did in our house (not drugs). It was the first time either of my kids had ever had a run in with the law, and it was very upsetting.

    My son ended up spending the night in jail. The next morning, I got a call from the county prosecutor asking me if I wanted to press charges. And you know what the first thing I thought of was? This thread.

    I remember having posted earlier on about maybe bailing my son out of jail the first time, just to give him a break. There was no bail involved in this instance, but I was given a choice: Press charges and give my son a criminal record; or not press charges and give my son a free pass. I should mention that what my son did was extremely out of character for him. He suffers from depression and anxiety and my wife and I believe that could definitely have been a contributing factor in all of this.

    In any case, I did not press charges against my son, and he was released. We also managed to get the arrest stricken from his record, so he has a clean slate.

    I certainly didn't expect to be thrown into a situation like this so soon after commenting in this thread, but it was eye-opening. Having a child go to jail was incredibly difficult and unsettling. So much so, I'm not even sure how I would react if he ended up in jail again. I thought I knew before this incident happened. Get him out the first time, let him suffer the consequences the second time. But I honestly don't know what I'd do now. It's strange how you think you know exactly how you will behave. Then you're faced with a situation and all bets are off.

    Anyway, I just wanted to share that experience with @pineywood and everyone else in this thread.
  5. pineywood

    pineywood Community Champion

    First off, I want to express my sorrow for you and your wife having to experience this situation. Words really can't really explain the emotions of having a child (not matter the age) in jail. I understand, although every situation is different, the complications of depression and anxiety. It can be frustrating when others dismiss these "attributes" as being easily "cured" or a matter of "mind over matter", if only it were that simple.

    I am glad that you thought of this thread, (although - again - not that you experienced your son spent the night in jail). It took me awhile to even talk about this particular situation, but it is comforting to know that others can relate without claiming that tough love is the only route to go in every situation. To tell you and others the truth, I needed to step away from this forum for a couple days. Not because I do not appreciate reading everyone's thoughts and experiences, but more to regroup. As stated many times, it is still a pretty fresh experience. At the same time, I revisit this thread to thank you for sharing and wish you and family the very best.
    deanokat likes this.
  6. kylerlittle

    kylerlittle Community Champion

    @pineywood Thank you for sharing that as well. I'm really sorry to hear about your sorrow and I hope it works out for the best for you. There is hope.
    pineywood likes this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Thanks, @pineywood. It was definitely a rough night and part of the next day. Life is so unpredictable. We just have to do the best we can with the hand we're dealt.

    I continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Know that you're not alone.
    pineywood likes this.
  8. Corzhens

    Corzhens Active Contributor

    This is the story of my nephew who seemed to be a hard core addict. When he was arrested, his grandmother moved heaven and earth to get him out of jail. Since a drug case is not bailable, the grandma borrowed money to bribe the cops. She was successful though. The grandson was out in a few days and sent to a faraway province to let the situatio cool down. But what happened next? You can guess it.