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Discussion in 'Alcohol' started by Ocean, Aug 21, 2018.

  1. Ocean

    Ocean Member

    Hi, I hope all are well and staying focused and strong. I however am on day 15 and having a really tough day just thinking too much, mainly about all the wrongs I have done the guilt and the misery that I’ve caused through my alcohol addiction. I’m feeling sorry for myself basically and I don’t want to!!! I’ve given up before lasted 4 months and went back to drinking, I’m fearful of going back down that road again, I don’t want to leave the house, have no motivation just want to curl up and die to be honest !!
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Ocean one thing I've learned about quitting abuse of any substance is that the feeling's of guilt,shame,embarrassment, self hatred,self pity,etc are all common regardless of what substance we abuse.To acknowledge the selfish, horrid behavior we displayed while intoxicated is never easy and infect it's always extremely depressing to think back in complete horror as the person we "Appear" to be while intoxicated is in most case's a complete false representation of who we truly are so this emptiness you feel only means you are human and have a heart and soul which proves my point exactly, those thing's you did while intoxicated definitely were not the real you, however we must make amends the best we can,we must be open and honest to release the guilt and shame the abuse has left behind,I know because I am currently still truing to make amends myself and though not all relationship's can be repaired at least you can apologize with sincerity and start to forgive yourself. "We must love ourselves before we can love other's"This is an absolute fact as it's completely impossible to love someone else while hating yourself ,I know I've tried and all it did was build up more self loathing and more self hatred.Focus my friend,on your self.Focus on getting your mind in a better place,focus on your recovery. Stay Strong and God Bless
  3. Ocean

    Ocean Member

    Thank you so much for those encouraging words of wisdom and the support, you are so right ! I really needed to hear that and if I’m honest it made me cry ! I struggle and have done for a long time to love myself it may come naturally to some but it sure doesn’t to me, how do you begin to do that though ? I suppose I need to change my mindset maybe ? Ive used drugs in the past to mask the real me and then Alcohol as I got older as it seemed more acceptable but instead of making me a better person it made me into a person even I would look at in complete disgust and shame, it just took my soul away ! I thank you from the bottom of my heart again for what you have said it’s made me open my eyes to what I need to do to continue on my road to sobriety and not that rocky road I’ve been on for many years. God bless you too my friend I wish you all the best and it sounds to me you are staying so so strong, it’s very inspiring !
  4. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Im happy to hear you took something positive from my reply.You said"It may come easy for some but not me"It doesn't come easy for anyone who is truly acknowledging their substance abuse has damaged their lives and those they love.No addict can use for an extended time frame then get sober and Poof all is well and all is forgotten, it is my opinion those who make such a claim are not telling the truth.A person who is truly trying to change for the better will be hit with strong painful emotions and this is how the healing process begins,it's at this time the individual stops hiding from the pain and start's addressing it.When I first came to this site every time I typed I cried for 2 month's but this community was there for me and I'm not better but I'm better than I was,I still cry at time's some stories just break me down and I cry,I don't care I cry because I care and I feel no shame for that.You asked "How do I start to love myself again"maybe not an exact quote but more or less that's what you asked.The only way I know how is to spill your heart out,talk about the pain you've caused other's, the pain you've caused yourself,open up and share openly about relationship's you may have damaged, talk about how that makes you feel NOW,be honest about it and yes if you're honest about thing's like this you will probably cry your eyes out and that's ok,I've done it and at time's I still do but it's necessary, these memories, this type of emotional pain will destroy you if you try to bottle it up and deal with it by yourself. Share it here on this site with us stranger's if you can't admit it or share it with the people in your life,again that's how I do it and though I don't know anyone on here personally these people have been there for me and they encourage, support,advise,etc in such a positive way it's truly leading me to the good person im starting to believe I am.Addiction is a son of a bit×h and it will make us do and say thing's that we never would sober,it doesn't have to own us we can change and fight to once again take control of our lives and once you consciously engage in the fight for sobriety the thing's you do from that point forward will ultimately be what defines you, every tear you cry,every memory you release,every fear you speak of takes strength away from your addiction, every wrong you right ,every choice to fight,all the pain you feel...Release it so you can heal.Stay Strong and God Bless
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  5. Ocean

    Ocean Member

    Hey hope you are well, I’m kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place today can’t seem to leave the house. I go to leave and something stops me almost frightened, feel like I will be walking and everyone will be looking at me and will know I’m a walking mess. It’s almost sounding like it’s me me me but I just don’t want to face anyone. I’m back at work next week and worried how I’m going to cope. All these negative thoughts keep running through my head they just don’t seem to stop !! I’m really determined to stop however when I drank it would take the edge off this anxiety I know I’ve always had. I know I need to face my fear and just do it but the panic kicks in and I can’t seem to do it, I’ve not eaten well for 16 days now so my energy levels are so low and my stomach feels so empty is it my body telling me to drink again ?? I thought I’d feel better but I just seem to be going backwards not forwards it’s like I’m walking up a hill but not going anywhere (if that makes sense) will I ever feel normal again or has the damage been done?
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You will feel normal again, actually better than normal.I will reply a little further soon I just opened my eyes....good morning by the way
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  7. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Ocean... Let the guilt and misery go. It's all in the past, and dwelling on the past will get you nothing but grief. Live in the moment. Today. One hour at a time. And concentrate on taking steps forward toward a better life. You can do this. You've got 15 days under your belt, and that's fabulous. Keep doing the next right thing. And know that we're here to help, support, and encourage you. You are NOT alone!
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  8. Ocean

    Ocean Member

    Good afternoon, Hope you had a good sleep I just been out after 4 hours of convincing myself I’m not going to die by going to the shops..got loads of healthy food actually feel quite good at the moment, how long it will last who knows ? I’m trying to embrace it and holding onto hope, don’t think I have anymore tears left to cry but they will soon build back up I’m sure ! Just want to thank you for building a little of that self esteem back up thanks!!! @deanokat just got that message whilst writing this message thanks also. I don’t want this to sound selfish but it’s a nice thought to think I’m not alone, it really is my last chance and I pray I’m not going to fail, holding onto hope and getting back that person I once was before my addictions is what I hold onto !! Thank you guys !!!!!!!
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  9. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Ocean... You are very welcome. Maybe get outside and just sit and experience nature a bit. That always helps me feel better. Try to forget the chaos around you and just listen to the birds, look at the trees, etc.

    Sending you tons of positive juju today!
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  10. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    Hey there. Super glad to meet you here in the Forum. Congratulations on now having 15 days sober. The rocky road of emotions is quite normal for now. But I assure you that it can get better. I want you to know that all of us contend with the same feelings you're feeling at some time in our lives. The feelings of Shame or that we're not good enough or that we're doing things wrong or that we should be doing better by now and so on, these are feelings common to man around the world.

    Part of the reason we're here on this life journey is to grow up creating a multifaceted "mask" that we wear around because we think that if people got to know us, they wouldn't like us. So we put on the mask. But the mask isn't our real selves. The mask is our ego, so we bump along on this journey trying to take the mask off, but we're petrified to do so, thinking that we will be rejected or abandoned. So these feelings of anxiety are not your true self. That's your ego, or all those racing thoughts or fears, and it's separate from your true self. Call that your spirit or your higher self or whatever it is you believe is at the core of each human. But honey, that is the beautiful part of you. The whole part of you. The freaking amazing, kind, passionate, innocent part of you, like when you were a wee little toddler. Before life caused you to start putting a mask together to parade around in.

    This is one reason I love forums, because it allows people to take their masks off and write from their authentic self. Because we don't judge here and lovingly accept everyone where they at at on their Journey. And believe for you that you'll be able to heal whatever needs healed in your life and grow in the areas that you need to grow in and experience more peace and more joy as well.

    Have you ever tried meditation to calm that racing mind? Just sit in silence for several minutes a day and focus on your breathing. Your mind is used to racing around like crazy, so you have to train it to get off that hamster wheel. Go within!

    I hope this is making sense.

    I just want to offer you hope, like the others that have beautifully shared here on the Forum. We're here for you and we are rooting for you! We think you're pretty awesome.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  11. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    Yes, I agree with Dean. Nature is such a healing force!! :) Even better to peel those shoes and socks off and walk around feeling the earth beneath the feet...
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  12. Ocean

    Ocean Member

    Thanks it was nice to get out been stuck in for 3 days so love getting out and about got lots of fresh air !!! Clear head aswell makes it feel so much better, hope you are having a good day and sending you positive juju back!!
    (Even though I have no clue what juju means lol)
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  13. Ocean

    Ocean Member

    Thank you what an amazing forum it is here, great to know no one judges others that’s so refreshing. It’s been a long time since someone has called me Awesome and that really has made my day even better, Thank you ! Your words again are so so true, to have to peel that mask off and reveal the true me again is really quite scary but I know she’s there I just haven’t been able to get at her or have seen her for such a long time. I have to change I know this even though it’s still scary. I have tried meditation years ago and yes I agree it did let my thoughts and mind stop racing as much as it does today. I need to try and put this into action again, and of course for me walking bear foot in the sand by the Ocean is just another of my greatest pleasures !
    I again can only Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the support I have received so far on here.

    You are all Awesome!!
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  14. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Ocean I feel like I know you. You have touched my heart in ways very few have,that 4 hour's of convincing yourself you weren't going to die touch's my heart in a very personal way,when I first met my wife she suffered from severe anxiety attack's often and she was scared to leave the house, she was "agoraphobic" at the time which means exactly that "scared she would die if she left the house "However this woman who was scared of everything trusted me from the very beginning, and though we are still married we have been separated for over 3 year's and I miss her deeply but my drug abuse left her no choice and after 15 year's of living together she put me out and nothing hurts me more than the knowledge I let her down and even though we have been apart over 3 year's I have not even attempted to meet another woman because I don't want another woman I want her and the reality is I may never have her again which will leave me alone until the day I die but I can't just turn my love for her off even though I believe I forced her to be able to turn hers off...It's very sad and it hurts like hell but I must keep pushing forward...alone but so be it.You said you return to work next week,how long have you been off work?I pray that once you get back to work it will help break down that wall of isolation and open up many door's of comfort and enjoyable atmosphere's.That fear you have of walking outside and people looking at you like your weird or something, well sometimes we live near noise,gossipy neighbor's and in most case's individuals like that are miserable in their own lives and they may be looking your way jealous of who you are and the happiness you radiate.I say strut your stuff and let them gossip like kids in junior high,honestly that says more about them than anything else. Enjoy being outside and enjoy that fresh air,walk on the beach just take it all in and smile.I pray your day's improve as they move forward and remember the fear you feel inside will fade away when you go outside.Stay Strong and God Bless
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  15. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    Thank you! Sending big love your way <3
    Ocean likes this.
  16. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Ocean... This forum is great because of all the people here. And YOU are one of those people. So thank YOU, too!!! :)
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  17. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I've been sober 7 month's now
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  18. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Oh and don't let my story make you sad,im still alive and i will never give up
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  19. Ocean

    Ocean Member

    Yep you are right what don’t kill ya hey :)
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  20. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    MAKES US SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO STRONG ;)
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