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Being an empty shell

Discussion in 'Alcohol' started by Rosyrain, Aug 3, 2015.

  1. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    My OH has been going through some major life issues lately and he just appears to be an empty shell and drinks a couple of drinks just about every night. Back in December he started texting with a female behind my back, literally hiding it from me. His family has known her for years, but he lied to me about it, and the drinking has continued. He told me stopped texting her, but I just found out that he was doing it again.

    He has been like an empty shell for the last couple of years and I am at my wits end and don't know what to do. I do not think he physically cheated on me, but there was something going on on an emotional level. He refuses to get help for his depression and is self medicating instead. What should I do? We have been together for 11 years and he just needs help.
  2. Zimbitt

    Zimbitt Senior Contributor

    Well not much you can do if he refuses to get help, I guess just somehow make him realize he needs to get help for this, but don't pressure him it will just scare him off.
    Rosyrain likes this.
  3. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Sorry you are going through this but I agree with Zimbitt, there is not much you can do if he doesn't think he has a problem and refuses help. Now that the other woman is involved even if only on an emotional level you don't want to scare him off and he goes running to her. It is hard to trust somebody once you find out they are texting another woman behind your back. I have lived through that one and it is an awful agony. She knows about you but yet she continues to text him and put herself in your relationship. People like that really upset me. I wish you all the best. Continue to come here to talk. We may not have all the answers but we can listen and sometimes just having people to talk to really helps.
    Rosyrain likes this.
  4. Rex

    Rex Community Champion

    Well i think its up to him to get help and if he doesnt want to there is very little you can do.
    The main thing is you do whats right for you and try to be happy yourself
  5. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    For the last couple days we have not been doing much talking. I have been leaving him alone so that he can figure out what he wants and needs in this world. He actually destroyed his cell phone after I confronted him. I do not know what that means, but I guess I do not have to worry about him texting her for a while.

    I realize that there is nothing more that I can do for him. He has to rally dig deep and understand his own feelings and decide what he wants in this world. I have done what I can do, and it is up to him now. If I did not love him or have so much invested in our relationship I would just walk away. We have been together for more than a decade, so that would be hard to do. Thanks for your support everyone and I will keep you updated. Right now I just have to worry about myself and taking care of the kids.
  6. doatk22

    doatk22 Community Champion

    Yes please take care of yourself and kids and I wish you all the best. I'm sorry you're going through this. I really hope he realizes he needs help and sees his condition.
  7. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    So how have you been doing? You and your children have been in my thoughts.
  8. pwarbi

    pwarbi Community Champion

    He's the one that as to start the ball rolling and realise he needs to get help, the next step is he then as to accept the help he gets offered.

    A lot of people will recognise a problem but then fail to act on it, and its a process that needs full attention. Until he realises that there's not a great deal anybody else can do.
  9. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    Just as an update, things are getting much better at home. My OH does not drink nearly as much as he used to and has started opening up to me more. I hope this is a sign of good things to come, but I still have to keep my guard up ever so slightly.
    L_B likes this.
  10. Sleeper

    Sleeper Member

    Glad to see that. How did you managed to get him back on track? Or did he just woke up by himself? Will he consider therapy?
  11. henry

    henry Community Champion

    How about an intervention with family and friends? If he's so depressed, I'm sure his friends and family have noticed it as well and would be willing to help you convince him that he needs to get some help. If that still doesn't work, then you have to make the decision whether to live with it or live without it.
  12. karmaskeeper

    karmaskeeper Community Champion

    If his family has known this other female he is texting with for years. Then that means she is probably like family to them, and he hides it from you to keep from getting you upset. This other female may just be someone he can talk to. You should ask him if that is why he is texting her?
  13. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    I'm glad to read that, do you think he is still talking to that woman? Just try to be more understanding and loving with him, he obviously felt he wasn't receiving enough or the type of attention he craved from you, so he started texting that woman. But don't worry, the fact he is opening more to you means you are doing something very right, keep that up! Sometimes we tend to take the love of our partners for granted and sub estimate what a few nice things (done for them or to them) can do. I started talking to a friend of mine for the same reason... my partner didn't make me feel safe and loved enough at.
  14. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Hello there @Rosyrain. I am glad to know that things have been working pretty well with you and your OH. I hope this would continue in the long run. Just try to motivate him even more. I know you could still be able to fix things up. All the best!
  15. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    \
    Glad to hear that you are working things out and that your home life is getting much better. Everything takes time and it is so important to have an open line of communication between the two of you. Hang in there. I hope that things just keep getting better for you and your family. Hugs
  16. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    Thanks @L_B I am taking things one day at a time. There are some days where I get angry and bitter and have to step away from him for a while. I am sure this is all normal and the feelings will stick around for a while. I just need to not confront him and get in his face all of the time.
  17. oraclemay

    oraclemay Community Champion

    I am glad to hear that things seem to have settled down for you and I hope this is in fact so. However, If someone's behavior is causing harm to them or anyone around them you need to take firm steps. There is no way your children are not aware of something going on and this makes them insecure. If you sit around waiting all the time you become a doormat and you will be walked over.

    You need to know that there is a time limit on being patient. You can be doing more damage to yourself and your children than you know. Neither are you helping him. If he's behavior is unacceptable you need to be firm and even consider leaving. It is better to give your children a balanced life than have them stay in an insecure situation.

    I was in this as a child and I wish my mother had left. I still battle insecurities today from my childhood. Sometimes you can only truly help a person by forcing them to get help and make changes. You can never go back until this has taken place and it can take time, 6 months, a year, you should never rush it.

    You don't really love someone if you don't get them the help they need, by whatever means possible. Neither do you value yourself if you remain in a bad situation that requires more than you can give it. This may sound harsh, but you should want the best for all involved not something mediocre. No-0ne should have to live as though they are walking on eggshells!
  18. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    Rosyrain, now that your husband is opening up more you could try to find out why he lost his zest for life. There has to be something that's troubling him. Coax it out of him and help him, if you can, solve the issue. If it's something which can't solved then try to get him to change his attitude and maybe this would help "fix" everything.
  19. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Its called emotional infidelity. This is something that some people think is ok. Its not, but many find it easy to fall into its trap. It hurts you just as much, even more so than physical infidelity.
    He is like a shell. Depressed and doesn't want to get help. Self medicating and you are at wits end. Its difficult to say what is right for you to do since its really best to make your own decisions in life. I can certainly understand your need for ideas.
    Its always a shame when people don't want to improve themselves or their relationship. There are many avenues that you can take with this one. I would say the best though would to be direct. Say how you feel about him and that you love him. What you want for the two of you in the future. Appreciation that he is around. Do your best with it.
    What you are talking about is the classic growing apart scenario that people fall for. I wouldn't ever make any threats of divorce or leaving. Stay positive and supportive. Your intention will have everything to do with how it goes.
    I don't know. I think this kind of behavior is an immaturity. I'm sorry he is doing that. A husband and wife should be like best friends. Talking to each other and enjoying time together. Seeking to tell each other good things or needing a shoulder. Perhaps the immaturity of it is also an insecurity or an inadequacy of their own. Doesn't feel like someone's got your back when they are busy confiding in someone else. Express yourself to him. The shell thing has many facets to it. Just ask him what's going on, you are not yourself?
  20. Aescopri

    Aescopri Active Contributor

    Is his current state the state that you've fallen in love with? As @Adrianna wrote, you guys may be growing apart. Think about him and whether you really want to stay in a relationship where he is making it a habit to lie to you.
    Is he trying to cold turkey his drinking? Because that can have a significant emotional and physical impact on his being.
    Have you tried to talk to him about this?