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Being ignored after and during rehab..... help I am lost

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by Amandabeth187, Nov 18, 2015.

  1. Amandabeth187

    Amandabeth187 Member

    My boyfriend whom lived with my son and myself for a year before I dropped him off at rehab a month ago. I whole heartedly supported him going and I know it was the right thing to do because I have kept in contact with his mom whom said he is doing wonderful. The problem is..... he has not spoken to me since I dropped him off. He was released yesterday and completed the 28 day program. I contacted his mom and she has told me that he is leaving the area and no one will be contacted. Should I hold out hope and wait for him? Should I just accept the fact that this is what he needs for his recovery and will never contact me or my son again? I have never done drugs so this is very hard for me to relate to so I really need other people's input. He was mainly addicted to heroin but also used other drugs. Please let me know if anyone can relate to this. I am having a hard time dealing myself but I am attending therepy to help cope and deal with codependency.
  2. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I know how difficult it is to love an addict. Perhaps it is what he needs to get away from that area and start over again new somewhere. Maybe he finds there are just too many temptations for him to be there. He needs time on his own and for his recovery. I wish I could say that in time he will contact you but I can't say that. Nobody knows what another person is thinking. How long were you with him before he went to rehab? Was going to rehab his choice or did he feel he was pressured into it? I wish you all the best. I know your heart is hurting. Hugs
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Amandabeth187... People who go to treatment and are in early recovery need to focus all of their time and energy to staying clean and sober. At least in the early stages. My son--who's in long-term recovery from heroin addiction--went to treatment a few times and each time came back home and tried to go start living a "normal" life. But, like @L_B suggested, being at home and around familiar things were triggers for him to use again. It wasn't until he went to treatment 2,500 miles away from home, completed the program, and spent several more months in sober living in the same city, that he got and stayed clean. Recovery isn't easy. It's not just a matter of going to treatment and being cured. It's hard work, and completing a treatment program is just the beginning of the journey.

    My advice to you: Give your boyfriend some space. That's what he needs right now. Should you wait for him? As hard as it may be to accept, I would say probably not. But that doesn't mean that he won't eventually come back to you and your son. He just needs space right now. (I know that's kind of wishy-washy advice, but it's all I've got.)

    The most important thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself and your son. The fact that you're going to therapy is fabulous. Keep practicing self-care and consider educating yourself a little bit about addiction codependency. Here's a link to a blog I wrote with book suggestions for loved ones of addicts. Maybe reading one or more of these would help:

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One

    I will keep you, your son, and your boyfriend in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that we are here to help and support you any way we can. Loving an addict is one of the most challenging things anyone can experience. Just realize that your boyfriend isn't ignoring you; he's simply trying to get better. Love the addict, hate the disease.

    Peace and hugs.
  4. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    @OP you boyfriend probably has some good reasons for doing what he did. Since he isn't contacting his parents either, you shouldn't get too concerned about his unwillingness to come home immediately. Give him some time. Maybe he needs to stay away for a while. Or maybe he's afraid he'll slip back to his old ways and staying away is one way to find out if he can be in control.

    Just give him some time. Everyone needs some alone time.

    “Some journeys in life can only be traveled alone.”
    ― Ken Poirot
    deanokat likes this.
  5. MichelleVL

    MichelleVL Senior Contributor

    It would of been nice of your boyfriend to have said thank you for giving him the help he needed, and at least say good bye to you. But I do understand what he was doing. He was probably getting away from everyone as a self-defense mechanism. He probably felt he needed to get away from everyone and everything that could trigger his drug use to restart again.
    deanokat likes this.
  6. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    I have never experienced such a thing before, but I could really feel your pain right now, and I am truly sorry for that. It's really painful to be neglected just like that, but probably this is for the better. Maybe in the future, once he has fully recovered, he would try to contact you again. But for now, just focus on yourself and your son.

    All the best to you.
    deanokat likes this.
  7. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    If that is part of his therapy or program he was in, better to give him that time to fully recover. He probably will contact you again when he fully recovered or feel that he is a changed man already. There are things in life that we feel we better deal alone and makes us stronger.
    deanokat likes this.
  8. Dwayneu

    Dwayneu Community Champion

    I am sorry to hear that you may have possibly lost your loved one over this, but if this is what he needs for his recovery, it will probably be for the best. You should still not give up on him and hope that you can reunite when he is clean. All the best to you and stay strong!
    deanokat likes this.
  9. AngryItalian

    AngryItalian Member

    If you truly care for him, and this is what he truly needs for himself to recover, then I believe that your best option is to let him go and take care of his life. He probably wants to break himself away from his old life and he knows in his heart that he will fail if he returns to it. I broke away from my gambling situation by changing my entire life, living farther away from the casino and working another job that required more of my ambition helped me out a lot. I know it wasn't exactly on par with heroin addiction but all addicts have their own process of recovery, and this may be part of his. The best thing you can do as of now is support him in the event that he does come back to you. Best of Luck!
    deanokat likes this.
  10. artyarson

    artyarson Active Contributor

    I'd consider leaving him alone If he thinks it's really necessary.
  11. Zambiayum

    Zambiayum Member

    Sorry to hear that!
    I too had a similar experience. My boyfriend was also addicted to drugs, and it has reached to such a level that he cannot do without drugs. He himself told me that he needs treatment and I took him to a drug rehab program. After attending the program, he changed completely. He told me that he needs time and to wait for another month before we started living together. I gave him space and waited for another month. I think that time gave him sufficient gap to cope with the surroundings.
    My opinion is that you should wait for some time and give him some time. Everything will be back to normal. You can certainly approach him after his total recovery, and lead a happy life together.
    All the best!
  12. mattbasile77

    mattbasile77 Member

    I am in the same situation. My ex just got out of rehab. We were together 17 years before the divorce but started a relationship again 2 years ago. Her drinking caused us to split again last January. She just finished a 28 day program. While she was in I was so supportive of her. I even opened up about my feelings for her. I spoke to her on the phone and asked her if my letters interfered with her treatment. She said they didn't. I asked her if she enjoyed reading what I write in the letters. She said she did. I tell her now that I agree that she needs to focus on her sobriety and that I am not looking to begin a relationship with her. I just ask her where I stand with her. In her heart so that when she feels she is ready we can maybe start slowly all over again. Am I asking too much? If she doesn't want anything to do with me why disnt she just easily say that in a letter or on the phone when I spoke to her? Please help me. I can't stop crying.
  13. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @mattbasile77... I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with your relationship. Unfortunately, when someone is fresh out of rehab and starting out on the road to recovery--even if it's not their first time--they are frequently out of touch emotionally. Focusing on themselves, which is what they should be doing, makes it difficult to connect with others on certain levels. It's also possible that she doesn't even know what she wants. My best advice to you is to be patient. I know that's probably not going to be easy, but I think you have to give her some space and let her work on herself before she addresses the status of the relationship.