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Benzo Relapse/Feeling awful, Please help

Discussion in 'Withdrawal Symptoms' started by Bbkrr, Oct 29, 2018.

  1. Bbkrr

    Bbkrr Member

    I'm 17 years old, I've been dabbling and binging on benzos since i was 12/13. Ive gone to rehab twice and partaked in NA meetings, counseling, and therapy. Yesterday I relapsed from one week one being clean from klonopin. First thing in the morning I consumed only .5, my tolerance is high enough that it had very little affects on me, it simply kept me calm. I didnt go further than that because I knew I'd never come back this time. I atleast had that much self control, just not enough to keep my toes out of the water. Im not sure if its possible for me to experience withdrawal symptoms from only consuning so little, but it sure as hell feels like it. I took the .5 around 10 am and started feeling awful around 10 pm that night. I vomitted and immediately forced myself to sleep. Today I feel nauseous, sweaty, shakey, and disassociated. Also no appetite whatsoever. Im simply asking: 1. Am i experiencing withdrawal or am i psyching myself out?
    2. How can i make myself feel better w/o weening?
    3. How do I prevent myself from relapsing yet again?
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Your very young,very odd about the same age I was when I started "dabbling"I too had a few trips to rehab,but never actually stayed because, well though they would strip me down and take all my lighters and paraphernalia I was stupidly crafty and well it's not important but,ya I could have stopped when I was your age but instead I went this path.True story I hope this opens your eye's....

    This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you.

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  3. Bbkrr

    Bbkrr Member

    Beautiful story, thank u for sharing! I was also prescribed Adderall around the age that my addiction took off. It blossomed my curiosity and unfortunate love for narcotics. I've gotten clean so many times and stayed that way for a good while, i know i have it in me to stop. And the sharing of your story definitely inspired me. Much love, thank u.
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  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    If I help in anyway with my mistakes, that's the point.I wish my life on not my worst enemy
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  5. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Hello and welcome. I can't offer you much when it comes to withdrawing, b/c it's just not something I'm familiar with. It certainly does sound like you're struggling with it though. How can you make yourself feel better without weaning? Perhaps you can distract yourself somehow. Drink plenty of filtered water. Try to get some good food in your belly. Prey or meditate or whatever it is you do that way.

    How do you prevent yourself from relapsing again? You keep on the recovery path. Are you still in counseling? Do you still go to meetings? I'd say both are probably pretty good relapse prevention routes. As you know, the longer you stay away from recovery, the easier it is to dip your toes. Or fool yourself into believing you can just do a little bit of this and a little bit of that and everything will be all right. The addict's mind doesn't work that way. As you probably know.

    Make a commitment to your recovery path. A commitment to a life free from altering your mind with drugs. A commitment to creating the kind of life that you truly want AND letting others help you!!!!

    It takes a lot of work and time, but really worth it. Take it from us older folks who have been there and done that and glad that we made some change for the better.... and know that we're here to support and encourage you however we can.
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  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Bbkrr... Welcome to the community. I know all too well what an awful drug Klonopin is. It was prescribed for me for anxiety and I had no idea how addictive it was. I only took it as prescribed by my psychiatrist, but coming off of it was a nightmare. I had to wean myself off of it over a period of years...not months.

    I can't know for sure if you're suffering from withdrawal or not, but I would do what @Dominica suggested and NOT take any more Klonopin. The dose you took was small, so it should be out of your system relatively quickly. Please, please, please don't take any more. Benzos are evil, evil drugs. And, like @True concern pointed out, you are soooo young. Stop now, my friend. You will save yourself a lot of grief if you do.

    We are here to help, support, and listen, so please reach out and lean on us anytime you'd like.

    Sending you strength.
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  7. Bbkrr

    Bbkrr Member

    Thanks so much! I no longer go to counseling or anything treatment related. Ive given it many chances and i dont find it beneficial. However i'd liks to start meditating regularly because i have found that very helpful in the past. Again thank u for ur genuine and helpful reply!
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  8. Bbkrr

    Bbkrr Member

    Despite my young age I have first hand witnessed how ugly drugs make me, ESPECIALLY benzos. They weren't ny very first drug of choice, I didn't start liking them nearly as much as i do now until i faced even more traumatic events than i did in the past. I guess you could say my taste has changed. Im lucky this time it was so little, typically a relapse for me is nearly going off the deep end. I feel much better now though, I refrained from taking anymore regardless of how awful i was feeling. Thanks so much for the reply and advice! <3
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  9. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Bbkrr 'm glad to hear that you haven't taken any more and that you're not planning to. I do think that an inner spiritual journey, with meditation and/or prayer can be super helpful. So many people spend time on the tip of the iceberg, but never really go under the surface to see and discover all that's going on underneath that tip. And it can be a very cool discovery journey!! Glad to hear that you're up for it
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