Hello, I am a 20 year old female that has been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half and for the last 9 months he has been struggling with an opiate addiction. Basically his addiction started when he was suspended for two years from the university that we both attend. The case was based off of a false accusation from his ex girlfriend who he was in a very toxic relationship with for about 2 years. He has already been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety so you can imagine his suspension was a pretty hard blow to his mental health. On top of his suspension he was also serving a year of probation for possession of marijuana. Around early July he started taking roxies, this drug eventually became too expensive so he switched to heroin. He admitted his drug use to me and his family early August and soon after he began attending an out patient rehab facility. At this time he seemed determined to quit opiates and really seemed like he wanted to get his life together again. He took ownership of the mistakes he made in the past and really seemed like he was at peace with his situation. He also regularly attended AI meetings where he could freely talk with others he felt he could relate to his current situation. He applied and was accepted to a community college near the university I attend in order to stay in close distance to his friends and I. Things were going well but I still noticed that he was still much more reserved than he use to be. He blamed this on the fact that he didn't want to hang out with his friends too much because he knew that they would be smoking and since he was still on probation he didn't want to be tempted into participating. I also believe that he was resentful towards his friends because when he was going through his difficult time they did not make a huge effort to reach out, at least thats what he said. I decided to not push him to be more social because I was worried that he would get upset with me and then start to shut me out as well. Around January I started noticing some weird behaviors such as that he was always sick and tired had absolutely no sex drive. I asked him multiple times if he was ok and if there was anything I should know about. Every time he would look me in the face and say "No I'm ok I swear" or just say I'm over analyzing the situation. I didn't have any proof and I never thought he would lie directly to my face about the situation so I decided for the time being I would let it go. I also new that his probation hearing was coming up so I just assumed that he was probably nervous or stressed about the outcome of the hearing. Finally around mid February the judge decided to terminate his probation. I was ecstatic because I figured that this huge weight had finally been lifted of his shoulders and that maybe he could start getting back into the groove of living a semi normal life. A little over a month passed and I still noticed that he was behaving weird. Every time I confronted him about the issue he would either get upset or tell me it was nothing. It wasn't until one day that I noticed these very large bumps on his hands... I asked him where they came from and he said that he had scraped them and they had become infected. I tried to look up causes for this insane "infection" and stumbled across a medical article where I then found out that these bumps were most likely caused by a collapsed vain (which most commonly happens when people shoot up). The same day I found out this information one of his friends messaged me and shared there theories and concerns with me, so at this point I knew he was definitely using again. I would like to state that I have NEVER been one to look through peoples phones, computers, etc., but at this point he had already lied to my face for about three months so I knew I couldn't trust what he had to say, so I decided one night when he was asleep to look through his phone just to further confirm what was happening. I felt terrible and I know it was wrong but at this point I wasn't sure if he would survive much longer if I didn't take some sort of immediate action. I found out that he had been using for the past three months and that every time I thought he was working or hanging with his friends he was actuating shooting up. Once I confronted him he was VERY upset with me for looking at his phone. I was shocked because I honestly thought he would be more apologetic about the fact that he had been lying about his heroine use. After hours of arguing and talking he admitted to me that he has been very depressed and feels like he's stuck in a rut. The next day he called and told his parents that he had relapsed and then came up with the idea that he would start going to a local methadone clinic where he would then be able to start weaning his body off of heroine and that is what he has been doing to this present day. I understand that every addict handles their addictions differently but to me he doesn't seem as determined to break his habit like he did last time. And even though the methadone clinic is safer than just getting dope off the streets I still worry that instead of working on his mental health and actively trying to control his addiction he is just replacing one opiate for an even stronger and more addictive opiate. Myself and one of his close friends also have a very strong suspicion that he's still buying roxies and taking those as well as the methadone. It is also concerning because he is not showing the determination I once saw in August when it came to quitting. He is not attending any meetings or removing himself from potential triggers like he once did. I guess I'm posting this because I'm desperate and I would really like to help him. He's only 21 years old and on top of his depression and anxiety he has a nasty addiction. My boyfriend is a genuine, kind and loving person and I know that if he really wanted to he could push through and overcome his addiction, the problem is I don't think HE believes he can beat it. Throughout his struggles I have been supportive and none judgmental, but lately I have just been building up this resentment towards him and I hate it. He calls me his rock but at this point I feel like I'm starting to crumble and just feel like I could scream. I know I should break up with him, not only for thee sake of my mind but I also feel like I am continuously condoning his lies and wrong actions by staying with him. I love and care deeply for him but at the same time I am only twenty years old and although I am trying to be mature and handle this situation to the best of my abilities I can't help but think about the fact that it would just be easier and better for myself to break up with him. I still want to be someone in his life however and be someone he can still reach out and talk to because he truly is one of my best friends and if anything ever happened to him because I wasn't there... I really just don't know what I would do. If anyone has any advice that may know what I'm going through (or just advice in general about how to handle a situation like this) please let me know.