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Boyfriend addicted to opiates need advice

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by kate328, May 7, 2018.

  1. kate328

    kate328 Member

    Hello,

    I am a 20 year old female that has been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half and for the last 9 months he has been struggling with an opiate addiction. Basically his addiction started when he was suspended for two years from the university that we both attend. The case was based off of a false accusation from his ex girlfriend who he was in a very toxic relationship with for about 2 years. He has already been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety so you can imagine his suspension was a pretty hard blow to his mental health. On top of his suspension he was also serving a year of probation for possession of marijuana. Around early July he started taking roxies, this drug eventually became too expensive so he switched to heroin. He admitted his drug use to me and his family early August and soon after he began attending an out patient rehab facility. At this time he seemed determined to quit opiates and really seemed like he wanted to get his life together again. He took ownership of the mistakes he made in the past and really seemed like he was at peace with his situation. He also regularly attended AI meetings where he could freely talk with others he felt he could relate to his current situation.

    He applied and was accepted to a community college near the university I attend in order to stay in close distance to his friends and I. Things were going well but I still noticed that he was still much more reserved than he use to be. He blamed this on the fact that he didn't want to hang out with his friends too much because he knew that they would be smoking and since he was still on probation he didn't want to be tempted into participating. I also believe that he was resentful towards his friends because when he was going through his difficult time they did not make a huge effort to reach out, at least thats what he said. I decided to not push him to be more social because I was worried that he would get upset with me and then start to shut me out as well. Around January I started noticing some weird behaviors such as that he was always sick and tired had absolutely no sex drive. I asked him multiple times if he was ok and if there was anything I should know about. Every time he would look me in the face and say "No I'm ok I swear" or just say I'm over analyzing the situation. I didn't have any proof and I never thought he would lie directly to my face about the situation so I decided for the time being I would let it go. I also new that his probation hearing was coming up so I just assumed that he was probably nervous or stressed about the outcome of the hearing.

    Finally around mid February the judge decided to terminate his probation. I was ecstatic because I figured that this huge weight had finally been lifted of his shoulders and that maybe he could start getting back into the groove of living a semi normal life. A little over a month passed and I still noticed that he was behaving weird. Every time I confronted him about the issue he would either get upset or tell me it was nothing. It wasn't until one day that I noticed these very large bumps on his hands... I asked him where they came from and he said that he had scraped them and they had become infected. I tried to look up causes for this insane "infection" and stumbled across a medical article where I then found out that these bumps were most likely caused by a collapsed vain (which most commonly happens when people shoot up). The same day I found out this information one of his friends messaged me and shared there theories and concerns with me, so at this point I knew he was definitely using again. I would like to state that I have NEVER been one to look through peoples phones, computers, etc., but at this point he had already lied to my face for about three months so I knew I couldn't trust what he had to say, so I decided one night when he was asleep to look through his phone just to further confirm what was happening. I felt terrible and I know it was wrong but at this point I wasn't sure if he would survive much longer if I didn't take some sort of immediate action. I found out that he had been using for the past three months and that every time I thought he was working or hanging with his friends he was actuating shooting up.

    Once I confronted him he was VERY upset with me for looking at his phone. I was shocked because I honestly thought he would be more apologetic about the fact that he had been lying about his heroine use. After hours of arguing and talking he admitted to me that he has been very depressed and feels like he's stuck in a rut. The next day he called and told his parents that he had relapsed and then came up with the idea that he would start going to a local methadone clinic where he would then be able to start weaning his body off of heroine and that is what he has been doing to this present day. I understand that every addict handles their addictions differently but to me he doesn't seem as determined to break his habit like he did last time. And even though the methadone clinic is safer than just getting dope off the streets I still worry that instead of working on his mental health and actively trying to control his addiction he is just replacing one opiate for an even stronger and more addictive opiate. Myself and one of his close friends also have a very strong suspicion that he's still buying roxies and taking those as well as the methadone. It is also concerning because he is not showing the determination I once saw in August when it came to quitting. He is not attending any meetings or removing himself from potential triggers like he once did.

    I guess I'm posting this because I'm desperate and I would really like to help him. He's only 21 years old and on top of his depression and anxiety he has a nasty addiction. My boyfriend is a genuine, kind and loving person and I know that if he really wanted to he could push through and overcome his addiction, the problem is I don't think HE believes he can beat it. Throughout his struggles I have been supportive and none judgmental, but lately I have just been building up this resentment towards him and I hate it. He calls me his rock but at this point I feel like I'm starting to crumble and just feel like I could scream. I know I should break up with him, not only for thee sake of my mind but I also feel like I am continuously condoning his lies and wrong actions by staying with him. I love and care deeply for him but at the same time I am only twenty years old and although I am trying to be mature and handle this situation to the best of my abilities I can't help but think about the fact that it would just be easier and better for myself to break up with him. I still want to be someone in his life however and be someone he can still reach out and talk to because he truly is one of my best friends and if anything ever happened to him because I wasn't there... I really just don't know what I would do. If anyone has any advice that may know what I'm going through (or just advice in general about how to handle a situation like this) please let me know.
    Last edited: May 7, 2018
    True concern likes this.
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I will reply after my meeting but let me see if i can bring in people who have been there for me @Dominica @deanokat @CMMW please help here if your on im at first NA meeting.Thank you and God Bless you all
    kate328 likes this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I will reply in about an hour Stay Strong
    kate328 likes this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @kate328 my apologies meeting was 2 hour's let me re read your post and i will give the best advice I can,my post are usually very long but yours is impressive in length and detail so i want to do this correctly and re read it
  5. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @kate328 this is my story and i share this with you because this is where your boyfriend could be headed,i hope you read this to him and he wakes up because the hardest thing I've ever done in my life was looking my wife in the face before I was supposed to die.This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with A.D.H.D.at that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the Dr.to try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you.i pasted my story but i got to be honest with you it took those extemes to push me to the saddest day of my life as i have been separated for 3 years and i can't blame her one bit.i pray this will help start a serious conversation as both your lives truly hang in the balance.Please keep in touch i have more to offer as far as advice and opinion on what may work but ultimately in the end you have to do what's best for YOU before you can be any help to him.God bless you and Stay Strong
  6. Cametobelieve0202

    Cametobelieve0202 Community Champion

    How was your first meeting?!? :)
    True concern likes this.
  7. Cametobelieve0202

    Cametobelieve0202 Community Champion

    Hi dear,
    I have recently been in a similar situation with my fiancé’s brother. I wrote out a very long story about my take on his heroin addiction. I was about to post it and realized that it wasn’t my story to tell. It’s his. I can share my experience with my own addiction though. I’m only 28 and have been with my fiancé for 11 years (with a month or two break in there a few times). For 7 of those 11 years I drank, 5 of them I drank a bottle of vodka everyday. I was a hot mess, blackouts every night , getting arrested. I have no idea why he stuck with me for so long but I have no doubt I’d be dead if he hadn’t. He kept me safe granted he enabled me as well. If it had been the other way around I don’t think I would have stood by him. Now that being said he left me shortly before I got sober. Him leaving wasn’t the sole reason I got sober but it was one of many. I could never in good conscience advise someone to stay with an active addict, the rollercoaster your on emotionally is likely unbearable. But someone did that for me. He and I got back together while I was trying to get sober and have been ever since. He’s some sort of saint and I’m a very lucky girl that he has been so willing and open and accepting all the changes and struggles my addiction and recovery has brought us. Good luck, I hope he gets sober, heroin is so hard. My fiancé’s brother is on vivitral (essentially it blocks the opiate receptors in the brain so if he were to shoot heroin he wouldn’t get high) it’s been working as far as we know and seems like a much more sound alternative to methadone. Although it has it’s drawbacks, I guess sometimes the heroin addict will take heroin not get high because of the vivitral and then try to take more heroin to overcome it and overdose. But it’s important that the addict knows about this.
    True concern likes this.
  8. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @CMMW so glad you were able to stop drinking and that your husband stuck by you. that's pretty awesome!
    True concern likes this.
  9. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @kate328 hey kate. thanks for sharing. it's quite challenging to stay with an active addict. if he is making some effort toward change, then it makes it a bit easier to hang on... but if he refuses, that's a tough situation.

    is he willing to get back into treatment? that is what i would recommend. he is sick and needs professional help. also, he may need therapy for a while, as there are almost always some underlying root issues going on underneath addiction. and, it may take him some time before he makes the final break from drugs... maybe even years. that's just reality. he may do ok for a while, and then he may spiral down, and then he may reach out for help, and then he may be alright again for a while, and then another round of some sort of use, and so on. it can be a cycle that last for years.... not always, of course, but sometimes.

    there's not a whole lot you can do.... you can take care of YOU... practice self-care. if you're going crazy, then get yourself some help to learn how to cope with an addicted loved one. there are meetings for loved ones of addicts... Narcotics Anonymous.... or maybe see a counselor.... your college probably has a counseling department. go there and ask to see a counselor; it's usually free.

    i know you don't want to cut him off... you care for him. at some point, if he continues to use and you're going crazy, you may benefit from lovingly detaching.... and you may need some support for that... but i hope he will get back into therapy.

    does his parents know he is using again?
    True concern likes this.
  10. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    It was good,very different honestly just to shut up and listen and i struggled for a quick min with that selfish urge to make it all about me,but quickly got over that and actually observed people giving a genuine sh×t about one another.No doubt i will go back
  11. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Dominica @CMMW thank you.i tried but honestly you two are so much better at relating to the effected by the user than myself as...well i keep posting where the addict is headed,i do struggle with the support aspects but im not going to give up
    Last edited: May 8, 2018
  12. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @kate328 I truly hope collectively here we have supplied you with not just a story of where thing's could get,and i always want to be clear and state i am an extreme case and i say that not because of the addiction or substance's i would abuse,but because I literally allowed myself to love that dope more than myself,but it didn't sink in until that talk where i told my wife to make one promise if i didn't survive and i meant that,and by then her watching me nearly OD and die so many time's and literally protecting me and loving me enough to get me to the hospital those 3 time's in that 27 day's and waiting for me to walk finally on day 28 to still have her wait a few month's to make sure i was "ok"and then sober have her leave me,which i deserved and good for her that's the extreme i speak of as im learning my addiction was no more extreme itself than any one else's but extreme in i let it take the most wonderful thing god had ever given me in my life next to a second chance to redeem myself as best i can.Stay Strong and God Bless
  13. Cametobelieve0202

    Cametobelieve0202 Community Champion

    Yay!! I’m so glad you liked the meeting!! I just went to one of my favorites this morning and I feel refreshed and grateful. And don’t sell yourself short, I find you’re postings and stories very insightful, relatable and genuine. I think you have so much to offer other addicts both on here and in the outside world.
  14. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Thank you if im one thing it's genuine i will give myself that and again thank you for being there on my anniversary date,i don't know if you realised it or not but either way i thank you as your just talking to me supplied the strength to sit in my first NA meeting
  15. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @True concern awesome that you liked the meeting and that you'll go back. and that you observed your "selfish" part of you and opted to be quiet and listen. Jesus said we have that carnal nature that tries to make it all about us... and yes, we are important, but in balance to others.....

    i hope you have a wonderful day!
  16. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Dominica thank you very much and yes it makes sense it definitely can't be all about me,im starting to understand that's exactly the mentality that cost me so dearly.I hope you to have a beautiful,terrific,wonderful,amazing,Peaceful day
    Dominica likes this.
  17. Cametobelieve0202

    Cametobelieve0202 Community Champion

    I just wanted to mention one more thing. I go to both NA and AA. The programs have a very similar concept but they are different. You would think I would prefer NA because at least in my area it consists of more “young” people. But my preference is AA, I just like the vibe better. I always feel so welcomed. Both programs are great. So certainly find what works for you, but give AA a whirl if you feel like it. AA isn’t just for strictly alcoholics, many of its members had addictions to other substances as well.
    Dominica likes this.
  18. Sara

    Sara Member

    Honestly ive been an addict for a long time ..
    And in my addiction nobody could tell me to stop getting high and if they tried i was like a crazy person .the drugs have so much control over you it took me loosen everything!! My home my kids my sanity..but after all that me hitting rock bottom ...i knew the then tjat the only way to go was up ..hope everything gets better
    deanokat likes this.
  19. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Sara awesome you were able to kick it and get your life back!! yay!
    deanokat likes this.
  20. AdamR

    AdamR Member

    Hey Kate,

    My heart goes out to you and your BF. Neither of you are on an easy path. This is going to be tough to hear. I ignored this bit of information when I was your age and trying to help my GF stay off drugs. The sucess of your BF's recovery rises and sets with him and him alone. There is nothing proactively you can do or say to change that. I know, it's tough to swallow. But this does not mean that there is nothing to do. You can support his recovery without enabling him. And by enabling I mean don't make excuses for his using or give him money under any circumstances. You can buy him things. Just no cash. As far as support, know that getting off any drug is difficult and not a clear cut path is found. Sounds like your BF does heroin. As a heroin addict myself, and also one who struggles with mental health issues, the path to recovery is not easy, nor will abstaining from the drug come easy. I would suggest that they only thing you should be holding your BF to is his commitment to getting off the drug. His level of commitment may vary day to day but when you get the sense that he either is just going through the motions or giving up entirely is when a serious discussion should be had. Shy of that know that he will get high from time to time, make decisions that are not healthy and can add more stress to his life, your life, and the life you share. Things will not go as planned quite often. Having a ridged mindset on how recovery will go doesn't work. Try and avoid having him make long term promises as far as sticking with a treatment plan or not using. If you want to support his recovery successfully, you have to be okay with all of this. Give him a reason to come to you with everything, not reasons to hide things from you. It's going to take a lot of patience, understanding, and restraint on your part. And hey, there is no shame in putting some distance between you two if this lifestyle is going to drag you under with him. Just as he is the only one who can dictate his recovery, you are the only one who can make sure you are living the life you want to live. Take some time to figure out what you absolutely won't put up with and if those things arise, take some time from him. It is not your job to save him. And as your BF, it is his responsibility to be good to you regardless of what he's going through, Addiction is no excuse for being a crappy partner. You don't take a back seat just because he's having a rough time. I hope he has a friend that will remind him of that. Whatever happens with him and your relationship, which I hope it will only get better and you two get closer, remember that his willing to get a stay off drugs is of no reflection of you. If he does, be proud of him. He has a lot of hard work ahead. And if he doesn't, you are not to blame. It is of no reflection on who you are, your commitment to him, or that he would of made it if you only did more. From your post, you sound like a loving girlfriend who wants her man to shine. Regardless of what happens you will still be that. Best of luck to you both and please keep us posted,
    Dominica and deanokat like this.