@Drug free world...
I responded to your post in another thread. I'm copying and pasting that response here as well. Here it is:
@Drug free world... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing so openly with us. I'm sorry that you're experiencing what you are with your boyfriend, but I'm glad you found us and reached out. There's no doubt that loving an addict is one of the most challenging things anybody can do in life. Addiction is a family disease, and it greatly affects everyone who loves the addict.
The most important piece of advice I can give you is this: Take care of
yourself first. This might sound backwards and selfish, but it isn't. You know what they tell you on an airplane before you take off? In the event of an emergency, put your
own oxygen mask on first,
then help other people. Because you have to be at your best before you help someone else. If you don't, everyone will suffer.
Addiction is the same way. You have to be at your best physically and emotionally in order to deal with your loved one's issues. Plus, you
deserve to be at your best physically and emotionally. You can't allow yourself to become addicted to your boyfriend's addiction; if you do, you'll both end up going down the same rabbit hole.
There's an amazing book out there called
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. I suggest you pick up a copy ASAP and read it. It's written specifically for partners/loved ones of addicts and it's full of incredibly helpful information. Not only about how to deal with your loved one's issues, but about how to take care of YOU, too.
I also suggest that you find a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting in your area and attend it. (My wife and I prefer Al-Anon.) Being around others who know exactly what you're going through/feeling can be super helpful and comforting.
As far whether or not your boyfriend means what he says about wanting help but being afraid...it's hard to say. Addicts are great manipulators and liars, and they will very often say what they think you want to hear just so they can string you along and keep you in their lives. I'm not saying that's what your boyfriend is doing; I'm just telling you what's very common.
If he's serious about wanting help, be supportive and help him get over his fears. Tell him that you'll be there for him on his journey. But definitely set some boundaries. Tell him that him getting clean is a condition for your relationship to continue. And if you say it,
mean it. Nothing makes an addict happier than someone who sets boundaries or ultimatums and doesn't follow through on them. It's then that they know they have you in the palm of their hand.
You may want to check out the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration's (SAMHSA) website. They have a Treatment Locator tool that can help you find treatment facilities near you that offer no cost/low cost treatment, or that offer payment assistance based on how much you can afford to pay.
I did a search for the Portland, Maine area and here's a link to what came up. (Click on the "More Information" link for each facility to see if what their costs/payment policies are.)
SAMHSA Treatment Locator Results for Portland, Maine
You are not alone, my friend. There are so many people who have been where you are, or who are where you are now. Addiction affects so many people. Just know that we are here to help and support you however we can. You can always come here to lean on us, ask for advice, or just to vent. That's why we're here.
I will keep you and your boyfriend in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending you lots of positive vibes and hugs full of hope. Your boyfriend can beat his addiction if
he wants to. And you can help him through it. But remember: If he doesn't want it, it doesn't matter how much
you want it. Like Al-Anon teaches...You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It's up to him.
Feel free to reach out via private message if you want to. Or just come back and post here whenever you feel like it. I have never dealt with a partner's addiction, but my son has battled addiction for more than 10 years and I have a pretty good idea of what you're going through.
Love and light to you.
-Dean
Click to expand...