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Boyfriend is new in recovery

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Drandolph, May 6, 2017.

  1. Drandolph

    Drandolph Member

    Good evening,
    Im new to this. I will try and make my experience as condensed as possible.
    I have been with my bf for 3 years and 3 months...
    I found out about a year and a half in that he was using meth.
    He did not verbally tell me he was using...he got sloppy and left his pipe out. I had never seen a meth pipe since Im not a drug user nor have I ever been.
    I had to google it! He blamed his 17 yr old daughters bf. Which was a little sketchy...
    But I noticed other things...that hindsight 20/20 make sense now. I.e. the smell of cat pee..weight loss...him being up all night..always fixing on his phone..him being gone for days
    Lack of hygiene..the 3 hard comedowns when he ran out of money..stealing from me ect
    However he has held the same job for 22 years and never went to jail until December 3 2016.
    He was forced to do prop 36 which he began about 1.5 mo ago mandated 6 mo with testing n 3 yrs probation.
    He told me he had been clean since December and decided he chose to quit it was time.
    He stated he has been using meth
    Since 2001! I was floored...
    My issue?its been 5 months and he doesnt communicate with me...he works goes to program cones home eats and goes to sleep. We havent had sex in 2 months he doesn't seem interested in me or the relationship. ..though he texts me he loves me very trying to be understanding but I've spent 3 years trying to help him and I forgot to care for myself. Is there any hope?

    Thanks for reading
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Drandolph... Welcome and thanks for sharing your situation with us. I'm sorry you're having to go through this with your boyfriend. Addiction is a horrible disease and loving someone who struggles with it is incredibly challenging.

    There's a great book out there that I think could really help you. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change and it's written specifically for partners and parents of people with addiction. It teaches how to help and support your loved one by using love and compassion instead of anger and confrontation. It teaches you how to communicate better with your loved one; how to help motivate them to want to change; and how to take care of yourself while you're dealing with your loved one's issues. (Self-care is absolutely essential when your loved one is struggling.) Get the book and read it. I know it will make a difference in your life. It's that good.

    I also suggest that you check out a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting in your area. Being among others who know exactly how you're feeling and what you're going through can be super helpful and comforting. You will quickly realize that you are not alone.

    We will help and support you however we can, so if you need to reach out here again please don't hesitate to do so. I will keep you and your boyfriend in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending you lots of love, light, and hope. Along with some virtual hugs, because I'm guessing you can use them.

    Drandolph likes this.
  3. toolbelt_1

    toolbelt_1 Member

    They say in the program that for the first year you should focus on yourself. However if you are in a relationship already, which most of us are then you need to deal with it. I would venture to say he isn't fully working the program if he is shutting you out like that.

    Whether you like it or not you both are in recovery, your what is called an enabler or codependent. The disease of addiction/alcoholism has affected you. I would suggest going to some Al-Anon meetings. You will find them extremely helpful. If the first meeting you go to doesn't help, go to a different meeting until you find a group that you can feel safe and be able to share in. Al-Anon is about protecting you and your life, not the other way around. It is a program that allows you to get better and to take care of yourself.

    Let us know what you decide you want to do and share your experience if possible.
    deanokat and Drandolph like this.
  4. Drandolph

    Drandolph Member

    Thank you for your response and input.I also feel that he is not working the program but simply going through the motions....I want to be positive however he doesn't share much.
    Im not to familar with prop 36.
    All I know is he goes to "program" Monday thru Friday from 5:30 P.M to 6:30 Pm.
    I gave him a ride of couple of times and asked what he did there.
    He told me they were watching a movie.
    He also didnt go one day because the class was to full (only 12 people are allowed at one time).
    He has left appt cards laying around for a DR. Hes supposed to meet with?im guessing therapy?
    Im not sure if hes embarrassed?Or what the issue is?
    I know the last I spoke to him regarding his addiction was December 2 2016...I had asked him if he had plans on quitting? He answered without skipping a beat that he"d never though about it...he got upset and took off at 11 pm...on dec 3rd he came home briefly still in his work uniform and picked up his bike around shower since thursday and it was now sat.
    He left is his car without a word....the next time I heard from him was Sunday 12/4 AT 12:00 from a bondsman trying to bail him out.
    Charges were a felony warrant for missing court for traffic issues and an added charge of possession...
    According to him?That turned him around?
    I don't know what "Working on recovery " looks like so its hard for me to state for sure?
    It almost seems like he is laying low until his program is over?He has to test so I dont think he would risk using but il not sure
    I can say he is clean at this point. He has gained at least 30 lbs since December...he walks to the bus stop and to program as well as home and plays Pokémon go on his phone 2-3 hrs early morning Saturday and Sunday....
    Other than this?its hard getting him to do much else!
    I will look into the meetings I hope I can find some around the time I get off of work.
    Any insight you can give me would be great!
  5. toolbelt_1

    toolbelt_1 Member

    @Drandolph Like I stated you are a codependent, don't worry that isn't a negative connotation it is just simply what I see. You are preoccupied with him and his comings and goings and it just isn't healthy. Saving your relationship is obviously very important to you. So listen up, get to an Al-Anon meeting, find one that works for you and your schedule. Secondly stop obsessing with his timeline of movement and moods and start obessing about getting better yourself. Research online, look up what Al-Anon is and then find a meeting and go.

    As for him, it just doesn't matter whether he goes to meetings or not, you can't monitor or run his program for him. It sounds to me like he is going through the motions. I have never been to a meeting that shows movies nor has a limit on the number of people that can attend...outside of fire codes of course. AA and NA meetings are about helping people, not excluding people. However like I said earlier, this isn't about him it is about you and your recovery. It is about getting healthy yourself because if you aren't healthy you can't help him nor yourself. The first thing Al-Anon provides is the ability to create boundaries and stick to them. Staying up worrying about his comings and goings, that pit of pain in your stomach that goes off every time he tells you something you know is a lie is the biggest indicator that you need help.

    Again it isn't about him anymore, it is about you and keeping you healthy. Trust me I have been to quite a few Al-Anon meetings even though I am not a codependent. I went to support my wife as I am the addict and she is a codependent. Her recovery is as important as my recovery, you can't have one without the other and continue going down this road.
    Stop worrying about him and his recovery and focus on yourself.
    deanokat likes this.
  6. Drandolph

    Drandolph Member

    You are correct.
    I will look into it and try to make sense of everything that has happened in the last 3 yrs up to this point....
    And the program isnt like NA or AA meetings which I find odd it's a court mandated program in leui of jail time....I felt he should be going to meetings to gain inspiration and be around others that can provide support but I have to learn to let him be and find his way.
    I do know a saying im guilty of that goes "When you are working harder to benefit someone more than they are doing for themselves?You know you have a problem".
    Obviously its not helping either of us the way i am and tne way he is....I need to learn another way.
    I will keep you updated.
    Good night.
    deanokat likes this.