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Boyfriend is on meth

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by Anonymousgirl, Oct 24, 2017.

  1. Anonymousgirl

    Anonymousgirl Member

    hi everyone, I am new to this site. I just wanted to share my story and have an outlet for the feelings that I am currently going through.

    My boyfriend of almost 5 years has confessed to me Saturday that he is on meth. We broke up last night, not because I found out he was on drugs but because he also confessed that he cheated on me. He has a history of drug abuse. He went to rehab almost 2 years ago for a problem with oxy. He was doing really well for a while but he always had a problem with working. He had been unemployed for much of these five years and I just couldn’t understand why it was so hard for him to get a job and show up.

    He has these two friends who are a married couple and he would spend a lot of time with them. Last week, their house was foreclosed and he told me he was helping them move. This went on for 5 days, he was helping them move at 2 in the morning. Well Saturday night, he told me he would be home and it started to get later and later. I called many times, I sent him texts saying that I didn’t deserve to be treated this way. His friends get evicted and he’s with them day and night but he can’t even spend one night with his girlfriend of 5 years. I got nasty. I was enraged inside, I left the house and drive around. I went back and did the same thing about 3 Times. I was having severe anxiety. When he finally did text me back, he said yo I’m driving wtf. I didn’t reply, I somehow managed to fall asleep.

    He came home probably around 2 am and woke me and said I don’t know how to tell you this but I’ve been doing drugs. He told me it was meth. He’s already taking subs for his other addiction but apparently that does nothing for meth. So he traded one addiction for another. He said he wanted to take some space, he wanted to go to AA and really get help. He wants a future with me and he needs to get better in order for that to happen and he wants to give me the world and I deserve so much more. If I could wait and give him some time, he promised me a beautiful future with him. I actually believed him but I was not okay with us separating while he tried to get clean, I thought that was a bad idea.

    Also should mention, he’s on probation currently. So I had this nagging feeling that something else was going on that he wasn’t telling me. He stopped by my house Monday night for a minute, said he was really tired and was going straight to his moms to go to sleep. I didn’t believe him so around 10pm, I drove to his house and his truck was parked outside along with a blue car. I knew it was the female friend he had been helping move. The move of her and her “husband” had really been his helping her. He had her boxes in his house, her clothes in his closet that he later brought to her dads house or so he says. Yesterday I stopped by his house earlier and he wasn’t there but there was two backpacks in the bedroom with girls clothes in them and a toothbrush in a plastic bag in the bathroom. I knew something was going on, I just wanted to catch him so he couldn’t lie to me. So I see their cars at his house and he was outside so he saw me. He came over to my car and First told me that he was just helping her sort through her stuff because he was going to store it in his shed for her. I told him to make her leave, he said he wasn’t going to do that. I asked if he was cheating and he finally said that he did. He later came back and said it wasn’t sexual but who knows. He said he was sorry and I didn’t deserve this and he didn’t know what else to say so I left.

    So we are no longer together after 5 years. 5 years of my life wasted trying to help him get his life together. I’m not even angry at him but I have to separate myself now. There have been so many red flags over the years that. He has a problem and I can’t make him stop. I do t even know if he was being honest when he said he wanted to stop and get help. I now believe that he and this girl are doing drugs together. I was always waiting for him to come home and now that I’m gone, he’s home at 9pm where he would normally be out all night and come home long after I’d fallen asleep. I’m sure that they are doing drugs together, he doesn’t have to go somewhere else now, he can do it in the privacy of his home and not worry about me getting in his way.

    I feel like he is a stranger to me now. I know that I deserve better in my future, I want to get married and have kids and I won’t have a normal future with him. I haven’t spoken to him. I need to detach myself but it is easier said than done. How can you just end a relationship of 5 years and the next day you’re living with some girl? I know it’s best for me to stay away and I plan to but I can’t turn off the part of myself that cares for him and genuinely wants to see him succeed in life. I am worried now that he is going to overdose and die. I am worried that he is going to get caught and go to jail. His mom doesn’t know, she will find out soon enough. He is spiraling.

    Any words of advice or comfort would be appreciated. This is not how I expected things to turn out
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Anonymousgirl... Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing so honestly with us. I'm glad you found us and were able to get those feelings off your chest. Loving someone who struggles with addiction is one of the biggest challenges anyone can go through, and your story proves that.

    You have to remember what Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach about a loved one's addiction: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Those are hard words to accept, but they are 100% true.

    I would highly recommend that you pick up a book called Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. It's an amazing book that I think can really help you with your situation. It will teach you how to detach. And that doesn't mean that you have to stop caring; it just means that you learn how to care without making yourself crazy. Seriously, it's an amazing book.

    I know this is a very difficult time for you. You may also want to consider finding an Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or SMART Recovery Family & Friends meeting in your area. I think the support of others who know exactly what you're going through and feeling could really benefit you, too.

    I'm sending you lots of positive energy, love, and light. Please remember to take care of yourself. Self-care is very important. You are a lovely person who deserves to live a happy, healthy life, both physically and emotionally. Never forget that. And never forget that YOUR life should always be at the top of your priority list.

    We're here to help and support you however we can, so feel free to come back and post again anytime you'd like.
  3. Anonymousgirl

    Anonymousgirl Member

    @deanokat, thank you for your thoughtful response. I know this is the right thing for me but it doesn’t stop the pain. I think the initial shock has worn off and today is tougher than yesterday but I will get through it. I’m trying to stay strong. I actually do have the book codependent no more. I’ve started it a few times but then stopped not wanting to believe I was in a co-dependent relationship at the time. I’m going to give it another go. I will also look into meetings, I don’t know if I’m ready for that just yet though. I am trying to keep myself busy at the moment and take care of myself. Thank you for taking the time to reach out. I appreciate it.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    There's another book that might really help you, too, @Anonymousgirl. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for partners/parents of people struggling with addiction and it's full of fabulous information. It teaches how to communicate better with your loved one, how to help motivate them to want to change, and--most importantly, I think--how to take care of yourself while you're going through all of this. It's a book I really wish would've been around when my son was going through his addiction. It might be worth checking it out. And FYI, all of those support groups I mentioned have online meetings, too, in case that might make it easier for you.

    I will keep you and your boyfriend in my thoughts and prayers. Just know that you are not alone.