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Boyfriend left me in recovery

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Clarity, May 24, 2018.

  1. Clarity

    Clarity Member

    It's a long story.. basically my boyfriend now ex.. got together a few years ago. He hid his addiction at first. I had moved in with him by the time I realised he was a heroin addict. I stayed and tried to support him, tough love, tried encouraging him and being a motivation in his life. He was using heavily so I went to live with a friend, I wanted to come back he said there's no room for you. He would go weeks, months without trying to see me "because he was using and I wouldn't accept him. I felt alone for a long time and let anxiety and anger take over.. I would express my emotions and lash out over texting and just carried so much resentment. There were many times he tried to be with me again and wanted everything to be ok. I needed him to stay and give me time to heal with him but that never really happened. He said he loved me more than any woman he ever loved, wanted a life together and kids. We both wanted that. Fast forward to now.. he says he's not in love with me anymore because of the way I acted and he's seeing someone else and he can't even be my friend. Ironically at the same time he decided to get on Suboxone, see someone else, and throw me away, he's just moving on. It hurts that for so long I thought when he finally got into recovery he could really be there and would want to and be capeable of treating me better. I made mistakes too but I'm just having a hard time understanding what he's thinking as he won't tell me much or isn't clear in his reasons. I know I deserve better. Heard that one a lot. Any advice or anyone that can she'd some light on this experience? Heroin addicts and early recovery is selfish? Will he realize what he could have with me? Does he need to push me away in order to recover?
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Clarity sorry you had to go through that. there could be a hundred reasons why this has happened and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. you are worthy of a healthy relationship with someone who can be present for you and reciprocate. if you're not healthy emotionally (codependency characteristics), then maybe get a counselor and start working on you. (or you might attract another addict, narcissist, or extremely selfish person).

    addicts can certainly be selfish, but so can a-holes that are clean. the relationship sounded toxic, and neither of you maybe healthy enough to make it work.... if it were me, i'd cut ties gladly and work on healing myself, learning what i could from the relationship, and create a beautiful life for myself. sure, it would hurt for a while, but i'd let that pain fuel my passion for a better life for me.

    hope this helps somehow.
    Clarity likes this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Clarity well it's hard to say what he maybe thinking and it does sound like you maybe turned into more of a authority figure to him but i can't be sure.Above someone mentioned a-holes and honestly I think that maybe the truth,i don't know your age or his this could also have alot to do with his decision but honestly the way i see it is if he were truly in love with you he wouldn't be able to just replace you,not even for sex true love just won't allow it at least in my experience.I'm a recovering addict and i lost everything,my wife and i have been apart for 3 years and I'm married18 year's and i honestly have been with no one sexually or emotionally simply because i truly love my wife and it's my fault that we are apart so now sober I'm trying to re connect with her and it's moving very slowly but i truly love her so I'm patient and it's not easy now sober to go see her and at the end of the day to leave and not sleep in the same bed but i understand that I'm lucky to even have a chance to be there again so i play by her rules.I'm sorry you are hurting but i agree that you need to work on you and if it's meant to be it will be but only your heart knows what it wants but make sure that your mind is clear because your heart may want something unhealthy and you will need your mind to tell you the truth.Stay Strong and God Bless Take Care
    Clarity and Dominica like this.
  4. Clarity

    Clarity Member

    I think your exactly right about either one of us being healthy enough to make it work. I keep thinking that I could have done better for my own life and have led by example to stay healthy, that would have given us both healthy space. I suffocate him tho, and myself. I have done quite a bit of work on myself since but maybe I'm underestimating the damage I perpetuated by being a co cependent which I really need to take a better look at. Thank you.
  5. Clarity

    Clarity Member

    I am sorry you lost so much. You sound incredibly patient and committed. I am 31.. he's 33. I think your right that I became sort of an authority to him, from his view anyways. I am trying to heal but with space apart I've wanted and have been ready to heal together. The part that is hardest is that he won't let that happen. I wonder if I remind him of his addiction and that he has to push me away really hard along with everything else in order to have a now start at a new life. I never meant to become that to him. Always made excuses or took bad treatment when he didn't show up or never had time or put the effort in a way that I could really find comfort in. I think he did want it and try... But I wonder if he was even capeable. He's been using most of his adult life. He said we need more time. I want to be able to do that but when he will not communicate further than that.. makes it hard. I wonder if he's just found someone better for him but I also have heard it's best not to get into relationships in early recovery. I don't think he understands how much it would mean to me to just be on a good level with eachother healing.. even if it's slow in a better direction, with a more clear intention. He just hold me to the same way I was so it's kinda difficult to show him any different. It's like he's not willing to give me a chance at all.
    Dominica likes this.
  6. Clarity

    Clarity Member

    It's so hard to know what to do in that situation. Especially when your not experienced or emotionally equipt for it. Just seems like he could realize that and not hold me to the way I was towards him which is why he fell out of love. Just seems that how much I thought he loved me.. he would want that chance now.
    Dominica likes this.
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Clarity it can be challenging to have a healthy relationship in early recovery... for sure...
    True concern likes this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Clarity You know it sounds odd for someone to suggest I'm patient because that is in no way the truth,i understand why it may appear that way and i have given that some thought since reading your response and i can only come to one conclusion,i just love her that much.I would not be alive if not for her,she showed me love and affection i have never felt in my life,shes my best friend and the love of my life all in one,i owe it to her even if she doesn't take me back i owe her the same effort she put in me so if it doesn't go my way i can at least live with myself without feeling guilty of not trying to be the man i should have been.I don't know i guess that's what being in love versus just loving someone is so it's hard for me to put myself in your boyfriends shoes without trying to consider my own feelings but we are all different but considering he is so cold to you right now i would have to say he doesn't have love on a higher level for you and i hate to suggest that and again doesn't mean I'm correct.Yes you are correct in it is not a good idea to get into a relationship early in recovery for multiple reasons one being it's easier to fall deep into addiction again as the person your with has no idea how severe it is and usually you can lie to someone new more effective than someone who knows and it is very unhealthy and creates another co dependent partner which creates pain and saddness for everyone.I will say this be aware of this scenario because addicts will sometimes do exactly what i described above and once they walk out of that relationship they return to the one person who really loved them and effectively exploit that and take advantage of a good person who they know has been waiting for them,so if this happens just remember that you will only bring yourself more pain and sadness so if by chance he does come back do yourself a favor and make sure it's healthy for YOU not just for him.Stay Strong and God Bless Take Care
    Dominica likes this.
  9. Clarity

    Clarity Member

    :O
  10. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I hope i didn't upset you,i was just trying to give you some insight into how an addict work's and thing's that maybe true but definitely does not mean I'm correct
    Dominica likes this.
  11. Clarity

    Clarity Member

    You haven't upset me. Actually the best insight I've had hence the :eek: a moment of epiphany that if he really did or does or could love me and be in my life.. he would give it a chance. But I also have realized that I've been in his life in an unhealthy way as a codependent. So I can see it's not all about me or his feelings maybe even more so about the situation. I know where I went wrong in allowing myself to be a codependent and he needs to do what he needs to do for his recovery and me for mine. I feel more capeable of having a relationship and or being friends knowing this, but he's choosing not to and I have to respect and accept that. Relationships have their trials... Especially when the presence of addiction is involved. I am realizing my not so good decisions and will be working on myself. Maybe later he will or will choose to be a friend, but I know he has some issues to address for that to be healthy for me too. I hope he is able to look at those things and make some positive changes in his life. I am choosing now to be the best influence I can be... Even if it's too late for reconsiling the relationship. Even if that means taking his word for it now and leaving the situation.. I can do that now with much more understanding and knowledge and insight.
    True concern likes this.
  12. Clarity

    Clarity Member

    I do have regret over a lot of things I said and did while involved in the relationship, but I realize no matter what happened.. what it came down to was.. I couldn't be with an addict. I just wonder if a lot of his decisions about the way he chose to be with me were because of the heroin addiction affecting him and his life... Or really I had a lot to do with it, like what i said and did..like he said. It's easy to put the blame on the addict but I believe it's not all his fault. One thing if I could give anyone advice if they are ever in a situation or relationship... To establish healthy boundaries, live your own life in your own interest to best take care of yourself, and lead by example. Don't become a co dependent or enabler. Be responsible for your own emotions, life, and choices.
    True concern likes this.
  13. Clarity

    Clarity Member

    Also I feel like he only liked me and wanted me in his life when he was using... But it's hard to understand the mind of an addict especially because it seems like they can hardly understand themselves. Maybe he was using me until he could find something better.. maybe I hurt him and his life and he can't bear to see me. Maybe I remind him of a time and guilt associated with it, or he really doesn't know what he wants right now and he's grumpy and having a hard time.. maybe he's stoked on a new life with no pressure now. Or he's just over me! But I do hope that I had some good influence on him and maybe he can see someday it was always with the best intention.
  14. Clarity

    Clarity Member

    I definitely didn't know what roller coaster I was getting on in the begining. That is for sure. That being said, I do not wish to harbor resentment or anger. I feel that I have already forgiven both of us and choose to focus more on healing, understanding and forgiveness.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  15. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You are a good person it's easy to see I'm going to think about some of your feelings and concerns and try in awhile to reply to what you feel.It's different to understand an addicts ways and be sober now and honestly i just try to offer honest insight into our minds useing and how we are sober
  16. Clarity

    Clarity Member

    Thank you for your insight I seek to understand. He doesn't want to talk about anything... Ever again. Leave it in the past. Easier said than done to just "let it go" but since it was a huge impact on my life and being and I wish to learn from it..
  17. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    From personal experience that's not possible to do if your actually in recovery,it's impossible to just forget it as it destroys more than relationship's it destroys everything we are as human's so considering he just wants to never speak of it i would almost say he's probably rationalizing his current use,again i can't be 100%sure but that's clear denial of a problem existing which means he's probably convinced himself he doesn't have a problem.I can't be sure obviously but it does appear that way from what i know
  18. Clarity

    Clarity Member

    Well, he's on Suboxone not under a doctor's care but managing it on his own. He's not getting the counseling therapy part. As for talking about things... We've already talked a lot, for aalong time, an now he just wants to let it go. I think he's been thinking about it/ mourning/ coming to terms for longer than I have before it was really over with us. I feel like if he doesn't get the emotional mental side of it... He may relapse. It's like he thinks a solution is putting himself around people who don't know him that way..... So he can be a new person to them. It's exactly what he was trying to do with me. Instead of looking into himself into much deeper issues. So stubborn.
    Dominica likes this.
  19. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I understand stubborn and it's tough.But you may have answered this with a statement you made above."He's putting himself around new people that don't know.it's the same thing he did with you"andi will simply point out that didn't work the first time so i suspect if that's his plan well I don't think it's going to work.i truly hurt for you and am so sorry i can't ease your pain but YOU absolutely deserve to be happy and loved,you deserve these thing's and i too have spoke alot about my addiction's and honestly I'm not even close to being able to forget it.My story maybe more severe but through it all im now sober and working honestly with the pain i feel as well as the pain I've caused.It takes alot of work.I will post my story here just to show what I've overcome and in no way to i feel pride or accomplished.Honestly i feel sad and embarrassed that i lived this lifeThis is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with A.D.H.D.at that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the Dr.to try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you
  20. Clarity

    Clarity Member

    This story just brought me to tears. I realize more than anything I want him to get into recovery and not die. It's not about me. It's about recovery. I saw him almost die he went a week or two detoxing then finally said we're going to town to get some. That's just what I'm gonna do. I said ok. Sitting in the Carl's Jr lobby waiting for him in the bathroom... Staring at the door.... The guy went to clean the bathrooms two minutes later parametics run thru the side door he's blue and dead looking on the floor. I yell at him to stay here stay with me. He took one big deep labored breath with my hands on his chest on the fourth try they brought him back. At the hospital all he could say was it wasn't that bad he would have loved and I was over reacting. Two years after, he's doing better, he's got money, a new truck, and building a house on his beautiful 40 acres.... And I don't get to be there now because he saw a part of me he doesn't like. I slept with other people in the weeks or months he didn't even try to see me, trying to get what I needed from other people who showed me understanding, caring, affection, consideration time but I always went back to him I always just wanted him but he could never seem to REALLY be there. Now he doesn't want to. I think if he were really in a real recovery tho, he would want to reconsile but since it seems he can't even handle talking about or deal with it or me at all... Maybe he's not ready for that part. Or maybe he's just doing it in his own way... But as far as my understanding, a major part of recovery is not walking away to start over but to face things that have already happened. I dunno maybe that's what works for him.