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Brother in Law with addiction (ADVICE needed)

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by wiremanireland2017, Sep 14, 2018.

  1. I need guidance on what to say or do! My sisters boyfriend has a problem with drinking and coke(which my sister has no knowledge of). He has no control over himself, once he starts he can’t stop. They have young child together who is only after turning one. They struggle to pay bills and I now have people texting me looking for money from him for bags of coke. He is a completely different person when he’s not drinking but I am absolutely sick of this now it has been going on way too long. My sister and my nephew deserve much better! I want him to be there for my sister and my nephew, I want to help him so much but I don’t what to do. I’m now begging for help before it’s too late.. What do I say? What do i do? How should i approached him about this?
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @wiremanireland2017... Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about your sister's boyfriend and his addictions. I'm sure it's not a very comfortable situation for you. I'm curious... What does your sister have to say about her boyfriend's issues? Has she talked to him about it?

    You may want to read up on the subject of addiction to get some ideas of how to approach your brother-in-law. There's a great book out there called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's full of very helpful information, including how to communicate with someone who is battling addiction. I think it would be a good book for you--and your sister--to read.

    Addiction is a family disease and, as you can certainly attest to, it affects more people than just the addict. If you want to approach your BIL without doing any reading first, I would suggest you talk to him when he's sober. And it's best to talk to him in a caring, empathetic tone, without getting angry. Anger only breeds more anger. Just be honest. Tell him that you care about him and your sister and your nephew. And offer to help and support him any way you can if he wants to get help.

    Thanks for coming there and reaching out. You have a big heart, I can tell. It's great that you care so much about your sister and her son. I hope things get better for everyone.
    Lostboy8731 and Dominica like this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @wiremanireland2017 hey there! welcome to the forum. i'm sorry your brother in law is struggling so much. i'd feel the same way if i were you..... are you able to sit down with him and have a real heart to heart? i know that might feel scary.... but i think a direct approach can be very helpful. be calm and sincere, letting him know your concerns and how you feel that your sister deserves someone who is not actively addicted...and continually broke. maybe your conversation can get him thinking about things....

    i do advise against lending him money, as that simply enables keep using and not take full responsibility for his life.... how does your sister feel about all this?
    Lostboy8731 and deanokat like this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @wiremanireland2017... Definitely don't give him money. For anything. Especially drug suppliers who are owed money. I can't stress enough that giving an active addict money is doing anything but helping them. Trust me. I've been through it with my son. The money he needs to pay the cable bill will go to support his habit. And those people he "owes" money to? You can bet that that's a concocted story. Drug dealers don't sell their wares on credit. My wife and I got suckered into that scheme more than once. "I need to pay this guy or he's gonna hurt me," my son would tell us. Nope. Not true. He just took the $$ and bought more drugs.

    Praying for your brother-in-law and family. Come and lean on us anytime you feel the need.
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @wiremanireland2017 hey there... .hope you're doing alright. wondering if you approached your sister's boyfriend... just curious as to how it went if so....

    would love to hear from you.