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Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Searching4strength, Jun 17, 2018.
I'm totally new here and STRUGGLING
What's going on?
Welcome to the site this community is compiled of very caring understanding individuals,you are not alone.We don't judge we just want to help as much as possible
What are you struggling with?What substance?
WITH ALL MY HEART, THANK U. I have written my struggle which was lengthy but I couldn't post it. So I did it again trying to remember every detail. I prayed it went through. I admire your attentiveness and sincerity, it truly makes a difference. U responded and I smiled. I'm thankful. I look at my situation and just say HOW?
Stay with me on this thread
I am going to share my story so you understand that you are not alone and i have been exactly where you are and i will wait for your response and then i will respond.Oh and no need to thank me i care and just want to help where i can
This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with A.D.H.D.at that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the Dr.to try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you
Unbelievable yet remarkable. I'm at the lowest and can't turn to anyone. My dad just passed and I can't bring myself to open his box of ashes. I'm just going through it and want to smile. I'm playing ping pong. Can't get H so I'll take a piece of the SUB strip,, then that call will come thru and I'm like ok. I don't know how good or bad it was that the dealer who is an addict himself told me he needs to make his money so giving me possibly a dime bag is out of the question. That's when I came in my dark room n just cried
How long ago did you take your 100$ addiction to a 20$addiction daily?How long have you been using?
I'm sorry to hear about your dad,i just found out my dad has Prostate cancer and throat cancer.I live with my parents since i've been separated from my wife and in the beginning i stayed because i had no body and no where to go now i stay because my parents were there for me so i can't turn my back when they need help.My kid's didn't call or even send me a text today so that hurts but i have to push forward and i tell myself this is their way of getting back at me for me not being there for them all those year's but that probably has nothing to do with it.When i first came to this site i was lost and alone,i stumbled across this site on accident and when i first saw the web site i was praying for God to give me a sign anything just show me there is hope,there is a way and then i saw the site and i actually threw my phone down and paced around for about 45 minutes and i kept stairing at the phone thinking"could it be"and i paced,then i walked over picked up the phone and hit the link.What i got when i started on this site made all the difference in the world,people actually cared in a world so hard to figure out here on this site i was able to connect,and release,and the feedback and support absolutely have gave me hope.
I cried and thought. For hours I contemplated on turning my ringer off so that when that call comes perhaps around midnight or so I wouldn't hear it. I can't believe I'm this weak. This dealer is the one who slipped me the stuff and he has a habit that's out of this world. I lost a lot. I don't how to look at that as possibly being a sign for me to stop. Because without mo ey, I can't purchase. I do have some dignity n a lil pride so I know I can't bring myself to sell my body. I bust my azz all my life and as a single mom I raised my daughter well without government assistance n sent her to college. I never touched drugs. I'm a social drinker but the H cancelled that out also. Once I got my taste for it I never wanted coke again nor alcohol. In April I let a cousin hold my brand new Camaro that my dad and myself picked and rode in. It was straight off the showroom floor, no car note, no issues. He pestered me like crazy and took advantage of my weakness that day. I had a diabetic episode and really wasn't in a decent state of mind, so after my daughter went to her house he convicted me to let him go do something REAL QUICK. No sooner than he left I was calling him saying bring me my car please.something wasn't feeling quite right but I got no answer then ten minutes later he called and I just threw my phone! He ended up wrecking my car in the worst way. It has sentimental value to it because it's the last thing my dad and myself did together. It hurt soooo bad. And he has no way of paying for it. He doesn't even call at this point. So I'm just stuck without transportation, can't go make money, can't call on anyone, my daughter is out of state worried about me. I can't get my insulin. I'm the person everyone comes to for help so to them- it's impossible for me to take a fall.no one knows of my addiction. It's my battle, my darkness, my secret, my pain. So I can NEVER turn to relatives- NOT FAMILY-RELATIVES. I YHINK THEN I CRY--EVERY SINGLE DAY. I HAVE NO FOOD-NONE. So I can't take what insulin I do have. Despite these troubles the dealer will just so happen to ride through and say here u go,, he says I know u will take care of me when u get back on ur feet! These ppl think I'm too pretty to get on drugs, or I have too much going for myself to do drugs,, if only they knew. I wrestled with the thought that maybe God allowed this so I would have no way to travel to get anything. Then my and my dads accounts are frozen because ppl whom I've never met nor heard of began calling and inquiring about my dads money so they froze BOTH accounts!therefore I'm without funds until who knows when! Still, I'm trying to look at things from another angle that perhaps without money n transportation God believes I will stop. Funny how when ur using you will FIND a way and u become the most creative mind there is to get that fix.i pawned a lot but had my boundaries like my new Ninja motorcycle that dad also went to pick out with me and again brand new and paid full with cash. There so much jealousy n animosity within these relatives that I will only get a laugh and cheers if I were to confess in search for support. These r ppl who prey on my downfall.Im hungry and want to eat but can't. Don't even have bread. This the first that I've "voiced" my closet. But who cares? I don't wana use anymore. Hoping this SUB will get me through the night and tomorrow. I don't want to call him, I don't want to be degraded or belittled because someone knows I'm in NEED. I don't want to be teased because I'm asking someone for H, someone who was a bit envious of me themself.this dealer cringed when he saw my bike n wanted to ride n everything else,, so to see me at my low right now is BIG SMILES inside. He can't stop using and won't stop using probably til the day he dies,,but I would totally support his decision if he chose to. He looks down or me n perhaps smile inside like Oh, wow SHE NEEDS ME!
About 2016 into 2017,, I was maybe $100, every other day n sometimes daily. Just this year, around February or March it got down to 30 then 20. And then throughout April n may it's been 10-15... And sometimes I would do half of it so I would have some the next day. That's how it's pretty much BEENthis month. I couldn't get any today so I used part of the SUB.
IN MY MIND I WOULD LIKE TO BELIE E THAT ITS NO LONGER PHYSICAL. I WANT TO BELIE E THAT ITS MENTAL NOW. Like I'm making myself believe that I NEED it once I'm up. I find myself getting up and listening to music or watching reruns of the Jeffersons and before I know it- it'll be 3-4 hours since I've been up and hadn't thought of or did anything and I would have my lil bit of H near me on my nightstand. Then my mind begins to play tricks on me,,so I'll play back with things like-- I wana see how long I will go before I take that first hit. I'll end up walking away from it n doing lil things to get it off my mi d,, next thing I know it would be well over 6-8 hours without anything! And then my mind says it's ok now- u get a reward!
I'm so sorry your struggling and believe me you are worth more than your addiction has to offer
I went nearly 3 days after I'd taken a SUB strip. I felt good for those days too. Like I was in a pleasant mood, I wasn't cranky or irritable and most importantly----- I DIDNT CRAVE IT NOR THINK ABOUT IT,,, but low n behold,, here comes Saran in the flesh n says HERE GIRL,,this was last weekend starting Friday,, and he came around Tuesday. The weird thing is I hadn't thought about stopping or anything, I just didn't have the money to pay for anything.i wish I hadn't heard nor answered my phone when it rang. No one calls BUT him. I can only receive incoming calls because my phone is off right now.but had he not came around I would have been very pleased with myself and would have wanted to keep it up and look forward to five days the A WEEK! I hate myself for being so dam weak!,, uuugh
Your body and mind are going through major physical and emotional changes right now due to the fact you are tappering down quite a bit since feb-march but you are on the right track and i am happy to hear your pride is to much to sell your body.Please don't ever let go of the beautiful person you are inside.I read you want to help homeless people and that is inspiring and admirable as people generally speaking don't think about other's but here in this community people are great and sooo supportive.
HAPPY HAPPY FATHER' S DAY,,,,,HAPPY HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TOOOOO UUUUU,,,,,,
U R CARED FOR!!!!!
Your not weak your sick there is a big difference,addiction grabs us and never want's to let go but if we try hard enough and fight back it can be defeated
Thank you so much your the only person to say that to me today